My heart hurts so much. What hurts maybe more than my friend getting a gf is that he hasn’t been talking to me. i haven’t heard back from him yet since the last time i annoyed him. i just want him to still talk to me; having a gf now shouldn’t change that
.
I was going to wait for him to reach out but I messaged him on whatsapp and asked if we are even friends still. i’m scared he’s never going to talk to me anymore. I can’t help having negative feelings towards his gf.. Also wishing i knew the name of the company that hired him and went unpunished for hiring someone that wasn’t a citizen. there is nothing i could have done and if so i probably would have made it worse, but I still want to think i could call them out on social media or something and get them in trouble (deep down I know it’d be no use since the way our country is allows them to get away with hiring non citizens while the worker gets punished) if it wasn’t for that and other things that followed, things maybe would’ve stayed the same between us
My mom did try to find a dating site; the one she found was meetup and looking at the reviews, i don’t think that’s what I’m looking for. when she was talking about it with me, i was close to tears so i guess maybe i’m not ready. I knew I wasn’t ready to think about it but at the same time I’m so lonely and want to meet someone to help me move on. I don’t know what I want though since I still want my best friend. I don’t want anything else, generally speaking either. I’m starting to cope a little better but now I’m having more trouble getting out of the house. my mom told my sister to buy me a ticket to go to my niece’s concert and i just can’t go even though she’s going to make me. being around kids and families just makes me more depressed. Making me go out makes me want to go out even less and more anxious than I already am about leaving the house.
I having been coping a little better in some ways, but am honestly not much better in other ways. Talking to my doctor (the last time i posted here) honestly made me feel worse since i was put on the spot and made to talk and didn’t feel comfortable to share the core reason for my despair and depression. I can’t talk about it anymore and even though I should’ve told my psychiatrist more, I couldn’t because I’m ashamed and it hurts more thinking and talking about it. I don’t want to and can’t open up anymore.
your kind words means so much to me. wishing the best for you in the coming days (and in general) 
Hopefully you can get more sleep too 
