What's Bothering You?

My dad treats my middle niece worse than the other two just like he treated me differently from my sister. She just threw a fit over what we had for dinner and it is easy to tell he is irritated (also that he is anxious since he doesn’t treat it) by his tone and pretty much screams at her or has an attitude. He is a bit more patient with her older sister.

This is part of why I want less and less to do with him. He always had a bad temper and treated me weird because of my issues (even though to other people he openly acts like he knows i have anxiety, depression, and am on the spectrum; he really doesn’t understand or try to understand me at all). He still does. whenever i say something that might not be normal to bring up or ask a question, he treats me like i’m stupid. Or when I have a panic attack he screams at me what my problem is instead of being supportive. He never has been supportive when I show any anxiety.

To some degree i think he treats my nieces better, but when any of them cry or has fits he gets hysterical and freaks out.
 
I am tired of always being anxious about work, even though I do not work tomorrow I am already stressed about Monday. I'm always afraid I am going to get in trouble or something even though I feel like I haven't done anything wrong. I'm trying to change my mindset but it's a struggle. I really hate having anxiety and OCD. It's an awful combo.
 
I’m friends with someone that I do what I can to hang out with, but they don’t do much for my suggestions or join my interests. We naturally have pretty opposite interests, but when I find some that partially align, they don’t care. We had a little debate about it today and I’m sick of it. It’s not like I put the most effort ever into that friendship, but I’ve tried to keep up and it’s after learned experiences of putting in too much for people who can’t reciprocate. I JUST thought I got out of this kinda thing.

I deserve to be a bit selfish here, considering how much I try to do for people. When everything I really care about is niche, this sucks. I don’t know what this friend expects from me, this is just how I operate. This is something I do for my own mental health/knowing my limits and debating with people about it makes me feel like a jerk. I am getting so depressed about dealing with this specific kind of thing, it’s crap. The more this happens the more I’m just going to be stubborn about it.

And I don’t expect 1:1 effort or the same kind of friendship from everyone but hell… every suggestion bounces off and their suggestions are not tailored for me. It reminds me of the guy I cut out where it felt more like “let’s do my thing, you can join for the ride”. I do care about this friend but it’s been this way for the longest time. I’m tired of hanging out for its own sake with people who don’t put in a bit more effort. It honestly doesn’t have to be ostentatious but something as simple as including my interest like asking if I wanna stream my game or something they know I love, or hell joining me and my other friends in voice chat, would go a long way.

Hell man. Having flashbacks to some other failures of mine. But I know I’m doing good enough. Just wish I felt it.
 
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Last night, two of my nieces spent the night—the youngest and the middle child. And the middle niece threw up. I was in the kitchen when I heard him ask her if she was done throwing up? If i sad something like that, my dad would act like I’m the ******* or not normal one and if I say anything back he would freak out and ask what my problem is. But when i said to my mom quietly (but not quiet enough) what kind of question is that? He says pissy oh because you two are perfect. Okay i realize i shouldn’t have asked that (since I’m on the spectrum, couldn’t he just say nicely you shouldn’t say things like that. and nicely i mean sincerely nice and not passive aggressive) Still kinda odd to say instead of, how are you feeling? Are you still sick?

His temper always scared and intimidated me when I was little and it still does now. He makes me hate myself the way I am even more since he freaks out whenever I show some of my symptoms whether it is anxiety or something else. He never acts this way with my sister or at least not as bad.

My mom wants me to go to a dance recital or something that is coming up for my oldest niece but i really don’t want to go anywhere with him anymore. it is stressful enough leaving the house but being around someone who treats me like i’m stupid and not normal makes and who doesn’t treat his anxiety makes mine 10x worse. I’d honestly leave if I could but i’m still dependent on my family. I know I’m being selfish, but at the same time, the more they push me to leave the house, the less i want to :/.
 
I'm back with another minor complaint. More of a first world problem annoyance than an issue akin to the usual bad stuff reported in this thread.

I found out that AMC is going to be introducing ads and ad tiers to their streaming services, which includes the streaming service I'm subscribed to the most often throughout the year: Shudder. Which, as I've seen from other services I've subscribed to on shorter term bases, like Hulu for example, will mean there will probably still be an ad-free tier but it will be way more expensive to try to encourage the ad tier. I don't like ads in general, so I'll have to fork out extra for the ad-free tier whenever these changes come into effect.

Bleh.
 
I don't know what happened, but I feel like sometime around late March and early April I went through a torrent of changing mindsets, working through trauma and evaluating my current relationships and going through waves of depression/hypomania and trying to figure out what it is that I want to do with my life. I've been stagnant for a long time, and now a lot of stuff is hitting me all at once. I've been feeling really tired lately (as in, I could fall asleep right now) and my energy for socializing is even less, I thought it was already pretty bad last month. I don't know. 😞
it's because I feel like I need a change in my life--getting out of this house and starting a life of my own and advancing my career--and I need to put in the effort to make my change because my parents sure as hell won't do it. but I sometimes forget that I'm autistic and I'm very sensitive and I get overwhelmed easily, so I've been dealing with that a lot. 😭

as a side note, I'm supposed to be working on an art commission for a friend, it's been due for like a month, and I haven't done anything with it. and it's absolutely haunting me because I know I need to do it, but I just... I can't right now. I can't even finish stuff that I've barely started recently. I wish I could just take commissions like a normal artist, but no. this is why I very rarely open art shops, and they don't stay open long. I'm not consistent and it ends up being overwhelming and, as a result, not fun.

hopefully my friends and acquaintances can understand that I've been very inactive, not because I don't care, but because I'm really struggling to take care of myself right now. just don't have that energy at the moment. 😔

jiny said:
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I hope you don't mind me responding, but it may help to remember that, even if he's not around and can't always talk to you, he still cares about you a lot. people get busy sometimes and that's okay. as long as he knows how you felt about that and understands it and still tries to do his best then it'll be okay. 🥺
 
Now that it's spring, my plants are super happy and thriving. I have close to 100 plants and growing. However, for the life of me I can't get my two alocasias and two caladiums to come out of dormancy. My Silver Dragon alocasia came back with one leaf then died back again. I moved it outdoors to my porch where the humidity is more favorable. After weeks with no more luck, I bought a pop-up greenhouse on Amazon to help with humidity but both it and my Black Velvet alocasia won't wake up! There's no root rot, the base on both of them are hard, the soil isn't soggy, there are no parasites. I'm just at a loss and I really want to see new growth. I took them out of the greenhouse for now as I'm worried it's too much humidity. As for the caladiums, I thought they were dead but I found tons of healthy bulbs in the soil. They're not pushing leaves either. I'm not sure what else to try and it's disheartening.
 
I hate coming to this thread but leave it to that one neighbor to be  the annoying loud neighbor whose stupid bull**** keeps you from going to sleep.... This person sounds like they're dying almost every single night. AND sometimes during the morning, too. Idc if that sounds harsh.

Or maybe I'm to blame for letting every little disturbance, every little sound get to me, rip me.... ****ing brain, just turn off already.... I can't stand dumb crap like that.

Edit: fixed a typo because I was too angery to notice it lol
 
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