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What's Bothering You?
- Thread starter Oblivia
- Start date
Adios kimchi...
Alolan_Apples
āAssortedā Collector
Iām sorry that this happened. I donāt like it when outdoor sounds wake me up either.
itās only been a week since i had that conversation with my friend/ex bf about how heās hurt me, and already weāre back to the same old bs. he made more of an effort to be more open with me and communicate with me for only 2-3 days before going awol again, and i havenāt heard from him since saturday. heās been active on social media, though.
i understand his mental health is bad and heās exhausted all of the time from how much he works. lord knows i donāt really have the right to complain when i take forever to reply to messages half the time. but this is ridiculous. it would take him a minute to shoot me a quick message saying, āhey, iām gonna be really busy and wonāt have time to talk until -estimated date-ā, or āhey, iām not doing well mentally and need some spaceā. all iām asking for is basic communication and for him to actually treat me like iām important to him like he says i am.
but iām not. i know iām not. i think he keeps me around because iām familiar and comfortable and heās already lost so much. iām apparently one of the last connections he has to his mom because apparently most of his more recent good memories with her from before she passed were from talking about me. but he doesnāt keep me around because iām me. his supposed best friend for almost 7 years. not because iāve validated, comforted and talked him through his grief for hours. not because i offered to send him money so he could afford to get his cat cremated. not because i go out of my way for his birthday. all i have done for him, and not a single ****ing thing he has done for me.
i was naive to think anything would change. i was naive to think that getting into a relationship with him would fix anything when he hasnāt even been my friend for years now. i was dumb to think things would be better once we broke the distance. i know how dumb i mustāve looked and sounded these past couple weeks, but iām done. i love him with all my heart, but i think i love who he was when we first met. not what grief and adulthood has turned him into. as much as i wanted him to be, heās not my person. him being hurt shouldnāt mean hurting me, and i refuse to let him hurt me anymore.
i understand his mental health is bad and heās exhausted all of the time from how much he works. lord knows i donāt really have the right to complain when i take forever to reply to messages half the time. but this is ridiculous. it would take him a minute to shoot me a quick message saying, āhey, iām gonna be really busy and wonāt have time to talk until -estimated date-ā, or āhey, iām not doing well mentally and need some spaceā. all iām asking for is basic communication and for him to actually treat me like iām important to him like he says i am.
but iām not. i know iām not. i think he keeps me around because iām familiar and comfortable and heās already lost so much. iām apparently one of the last connections he has to his mom because apparently most of his more recent good memories with her from before she passed were from talking about me. but he doesnāt keep me around because iām me. his supposed best friend for almost 7 years. not because iāve validated, comforted and talked him through his grief for hours. not because i offered to send him money so he could afford to get his cat cremated. not because i go out of my way for his birthday. all i have done for him, and not a single ****ing thing he has done for me.
i was naive to think anything would change. i was naive to think that getting into a relationship with him would fix anything when he hasnāt even been my friend for years now. i was dumb to think things would be better once we broke the distance. i know how dumb i mustāve looked and sounded these past couple weeks, but iām done. i love him with all my heart, but i think i love who he was when we first met. not what grief and adulthood has turned him into. as much as i wanted him to be, heās not my person. him being hurt shouldnāt mean hurting me, and i refuse to let him hurt me anymore.
Dunquixote
Mrrrroooooow! T-Treasure...
Today was a pretty good day. My racing thoughts and feeling a bit oversensitive about something silly got me a bit depressed though in the last couple of minutes. :/
So, I recently found out that my job may have shortened money back from me without my knowledge throughout the entire school year. At roughly $20 and change an hour with them shortening me 30 minutes a day (we get paid by the minute by the way), totaling roughly 2 and a half hours per week of work that I never got paid for. If this is true, they may see the last of me very soon. Union is looking into it right now.
I wish I didn't rely so much on other people for my emotions. I've done things in the distant past I'm not proud of because of my BPD, and no that isn't an excuse but I've been seen as a bad person in the eyes of others because of it. I've gotten better in terms of not acting impulsively or even wording things poorly, but it hurts to know that those from my past have probably made up their mind about me: that I am a bad person.
I've seen articles online about "how to survive a relationship with someone with BPD" or "how to survive living with someone with BPD" and it's disheartening that these are what people see from an outside perspective. People with BPD are often seen as manipulative or as bad people, when in reality I used to try to avoid forming close bonds with people to avoid hurting them.
I'm gotten better in terms of being more confident in myself as a person. And not in a "I'm attractive or comfortable with how I look" way. It's in a "I'm confident in my interests and not ashamed of the way I am as a person" sort of way. The fact that I'm more confident in what I like means I'm not picking up interests from those around me or getting into things solely because I want to fit in with specific people. I have friends now, and while we don't share all of the same interests, I'm okay with what we do share in common. My friend has gaming sessions with other people for a game I'm not particularly into, and I'm okay with that, because we do our own things together.
I remember a conversation with my therapist from high school that I ended up keeping in contact with. She said that just because your friends are hanging out with other people, it doesn't mean they forgot about you. Outside validation was a big thing for me and I used to rely heavily on other people for my happiness, and most of the time it ended up being one person. When that one person was with other people, I felt internally attacked.
I feel like I've improved a lot as a person despite a few of the struggles I have here and there, but I'm making progress. I just feel like I'm seen as a bad person in the eyes of some people because my actions in the past and there's no way to recover from that. I can better myself as a person, but will it change the way people see me? I don't think so.
I've seen articles online about "how to survive a relationship with someone with BPD" or "how to survive living with someone with BPD" and it's disheartening that these are what people see from an outside perspective. People with BPD are often seen as manipulative or as bad people, when in reality I used to try to avoid forming close bonds with people to avoid hurting them.
I'm gotten better in terms of being more confident in myself as a person. And not in a "I'm attractive or comfortable with how I look" way. It's in a "I'm confident in my interests and not ashamed of the way I am as a person" sort of way. The fact that I'm more confident in what I like means I'm not picking up interests from those around me or getting into things solely because I want to fit in with specific people. I have friends now, and while we don't share all of the same interests, I'm okay with what we do share in common. My friend has gaming sessions with other people for a game I'm not particularly into, and I'm okay with that, because we do our own things together.
I remember a conversation with my therapist from high school that I ended up keeping in contact with. She said that just because your friends are hanging out with other people, it doesn't mean they forgot about you. Outside validation was a big thing for me and I used to rely heavily on other people for my happiness, and most of the time it ended up being one person. When that one person was with other people, I felt internally attacked.
I feel like I've improved a lot as a person despite a few of the struggles I have here and there, but I'm making progress. I just feel like I'm seen as a bad person in the eyes of some people because my actions in the past and there's no way to recover from that. I can better myself as a person, but will it change the way people see me? I don't think so.
Dunquixote
Mrrrroooooow! T-Treasure...
Sorry for posting again so soon. Iām just really struggling today. Woke up to a dream that reminded me a little of high school (high school was a nightmare for me). Depressed because I miss my best friend. Iām also feeling bad about how I reacted in the past to some things because I misread mood or wasnāt feeling good or something else.
Also still feeling discouraged and a bit oversensitive about silly things.
I canāt get myself to get out of bed; I still need to take my medicine too. I hope once I do I feel a bit better.
Also still feeling discouraged and a bit oversensitive about silly things.
I canāt get myself to get out of bed; I still need to take my medicine too. I hope once I do I feel a bit better.
Neb
Cosmog Enthusiast
My phoneās having battery issues too and Iāve only had it two years. Itās an iPhone 12 and it drains way faster than when I first bought it. Every time I use it for more than a little while the screen gets super warm. My previous iPhone I kept for around 3 years and it bricked out of nowhere and the person at the Apple Store said I had to get a new one. Iād switch to Android, but Iām too lazy to transfer everything over.
xSuperMario64x
call me Bug šØš¦šš
called my dad earlier while I was on my way to go somewhere before work, and he told me that my mom's surgery went well (she had a fusion of her left SI joint), but after the surgery she had complications with a collapsed lung and she was put into ICU. so I was already worried about her, but he just called me back a few minutes ago and gave an update. he said that not only did she have two collapsed lungs (not by any fault of the anesthesiologist, rather an underlying medical condition that we're aware of), but apparently her heart stopped for a few seconds?? the doctor said that she's stable now, but they will continue to monitor her over the next 72 hours to see if it may have affected brain activity and kidney functioning at all. so instead of coming home tomorrow, now she's gonna be in ICU for a few days and is slated to come home on Monday (hopefully).
so yeah... I know there's no sense in worrying myself to death but like, good lord.
so yeah... I know there's no sense in worrying myself to death but like, good lord.
VernalLapin
š©µ
Well, Iām going to an event tonight, which I am happy about. But Iām supposed to dress up which i lowkey ****ing hate in the summer because finding casual dresses is so hard and none of mine fit me anymore, neither do my dress pants which I donāt wanna wear either cause its 80 ****in degrees. I have a maxi skirt but no clean tops that go with it. As I didnāt ****ing hate doing laundry enough, the ****ing washer is broken and beeps errors at me everytime I try to use it I wanna ****ing kick it and smash it and the eventās probably only in like 2 hours
SkyKnight03
ā©
It hurts when I step down on my foot. I checked and there's nothing visibly wrong with it. I thought I might have found glass in it or something. But there was nothing.
I have to make a doctor's appointment soon anyways. Worst case scenario I just schedule it early.
hm :[
I have to make a doctor's appointment soon anyways. Worst case scenario I just schedule it early.
hm :[
Today, our boss forced several of the drivers (around 10 or so) who finished very early with their routes to sit and do nothing in the lounge for over 30 minutes before they could leave, and none could simply walk out and take no pay. Oh man, were they super angry about that. I left a note for our union representative (who was still driving), and I'd imagine this will get talked about for most of next week.
Surprisingly, it didn't really bother me all that much, but I'd be mad too if I was forced to sit and do nothing at work. I don't care that I'm still getting paid; let everyone who already finished go home and enjoy the weekend.
Surprisingly, it didn't really bother me all that much, but I'd be mad too if I was forced to sit and do nothing at work. I don't care that I'm still getting paid; let everyone who already finished go home and enjoy the weekend.
Dunquixote
Mrrrroooooow! T-Treasure...
I canāt sleep. Iām restless because Iām anxious about my switch.
I hate how my dad talks to me like Iām stupid. right now Iām not processing anything because iām tired and anxious. he told me oh did you know you can get a 10% off discount from the repair site if you enter your email? Iām like well.. and heās like well what. Even if i was more awake, i take a long time to process things and to think of a way to response and when he pressures me to hurry up it makes me freeze up.
i almost want to just say screw it and wait to get it with my mom. I donāt know how to interact with my dad anymore or deal with it.
I hate how my dad talks to me like Iām stupid. right now Iām not processing anything because iām tired and anxious. he told me oh did you know you can get a 10% off discount from the repair site if you enter your email? Iām like well.. and heās like well what. Even if i was more awake, i take a long time to process things and to think of a way to response and when he pressures me to hurry up it makes me freeze up.
i almost want to just say screw it and wait to get it with my mom. I donāt know how to interact with my dad anymore or deal with it.
