What's Bothering You?
- Thread starter Oblivia
- Start date
I’m going to be going in depth on my experience with auditory and visual hallucinations and it may be disturbing to some so I’ll hide them in a spoiler tag.
For those who don’t know, I have a condition that isn’t quite schizophrenia that gives me visual and auditory hallucinations. I don’t remember the name of it since it was very specific and technical. Ever since I was a kid I’ve experienced them. Even with strong medication I have at least one a day. It’s always people either giving me rude gestures, approaching me, facing me, giving me nasty smiles, or saying horrible things to or about me. Usually it’s gossip about my appearance or behavior. They often look and sound like the people actually around me so I always have to reality check things and decide they would never say or do things. I can’t even hang out with my friends without hallucinating them leaning into each other and talking quietly about my mental illnesses and taste in music. I’ve had multiple times where I’d be around family members and I’d hallucinate statements in their voices saying that they were disappointed in what I’ve become despite telling my parents later that same day they were really happy to see me. I’ve even hallucinated entire text conversations or webpages online. It all looks and sounds close or sometimes exactly like the real thing and it makes the world seem so much more unpleasant than it is to me.
A lot of my trauma from school wasn’t even real. Many of the encounters were entirely in my head and only some of it actually happened. If I had to guess it was probably only real around half of the time. I can only really confirm a few events since my friends, teachers, or parents caught the students doing it. Whether the rest were real I have no idea. I think the mixture of the actual bullying, the Psychosis over being stalked online and that everything was real, plus the disturbing hallucinations were what gave me the complex PTSD.
The whole thing is straight out of a horror movie. It makes me question my entire life. I’m very lucky I have around a dozen friends online and IRL that stick with me despite most of them knowing the existence of my mental illnesses. A lot of people would cut contact out of fear of safety upon finding out. I couldn’t even hide it from them long since they all figured it out on their own. I’d hallucinate them saying something they’d never actually say, ask them about it or mention the made up statement, and then they’d realize it was a hallucination. Thankfully they all know I’m not unsafe or anything and are nice enough people to accept me despite being afflicted with these conditions.
Unless some sort of miracle pill gets made I’ll be stuck hearing and seeing hallucinations at least some of the time for the rest of my life. Even with the strong antipsychotic that gives me some brain fog and makes me thirsty 24/7 I still have them. I’m gradually getting better at recognizing what’s real and what’s not, but it’s difficult. Some people on those accurate short film simulations of psychotic auditory hallucinations on YouTube called them “ASMR voices” and that they wanted to have them since they “seemed relaxing.” No they’re not. They are soul crushing, paranoia inducing, and horrific. No one deserves to live with them. I would do nearly anything to get rid of them. I just want to live a life where I don’t hallucinate getting treated poorly multiple times a day.
A lot of my trauma from school wasn’t even real. Many of the encounters were entirely in my head and only some of it actually happened. If I had to guess it was probably only real around half of the time. I can only really confirm a few events since my friends, teachers, or parents caught the students doing it. Whether the rest were real I have no idea. I think the mixture of the actual bullying, the Psychosis over being stalked online and that everything was real, plus the disturbing hallucinations were what gave me the complex PTSD.
The whole thing is straight out of a horror movie. It makes me question my entire life. I’m very lucky I have around a dozen friends online and IRL that stick with me despite most of them knowing the existence of my mental illnesses. A lot of people would cut contact out of fear of safety upon finding out. I couldn’t even hide it from them long since they all figured it out on their own. I’d hallucinate them saying something they’d never actually say, ask them about it or mention the made up statement, and then they’d realize it was a hallucination. Thankfully they all know I’m not unsafe or anything and are nice enough people to accept me despite being afflicted with these conditions.
Unless some sort of miracle pill gets made I’ll be stuck hearing and seeing hallucinations at least some of the time for the rest of my life. Even with the strong antipsychotic that gives me some brain fog and makes me thirsty 24/7 I still have them. I’m gradually getting better at recognizing what’s real and what’s not, but it’s difficult. Some people on those accurate short film simulations of psychotic auditory hallucinations on YouTube called them “ASMR voices” and that they wanted to have them since they “seemed relaxing.” No they’re not. They are soul crushing, paranoia inducing, and horrific. No one deserves to live with them. I would do nearly anything to get rid of them. I just want to live a life where I don’t hallucinate getting treated poorly multiple times a day.
xSuperMario64x
call me Bug 🇨🇦💜🐛
I've bought a few pricey things for myself this pay period, namely a new pair of Converse (bc my old ones were quite literally falling apart), that pink Spongebob plushie (which I adore ♡), and a tie-dye hoodie that I found in the mall (which I also adore hehe). and honestly, I feel like I deserve it after being stressed for over three weeks, dealing with a manic episode, and all the crazy stuff that came with that. not to mention, my birthday is tomorrow. 
and yet, I feel this overwhelming sense of guilt. I pretty much always feel guilty for spending money, even on things that I do need, but I feel even more guilty when I spend it on things that I technically don't need. I mean, I needed the shoes, but not the other things. I don't know, I wish I could let myself actually enjoy things like this sometimes. I guess I could compromise and only spend what's necessary out of my next check.
besides, like I said, I really really love the new things I got, and I know that I'll always enjoy them. it definitely wasn't frivolous spending, I've been much more mindful about that.
and yet, I feel this overwhelming sense of guilt. I pretty much always feel guilty for spending money, even on things that I do need, but I feel even more guilty when I spend it on things that I technically don't need. I mean, I needed the shoes, but not the other things. I don't know, I wish I could let myself actually enjoy things like this sometimes. I guess I could compromise and only spend what's necessary out of my next check.
besides, like I said, I really really love the new things I got, and I know that I'll always enjoy them. it definitely wasn't frivolous spending, I've been much more mindful about that.
One of our pets got onto the table and stole a slice of pizza I was saving from the store. I found the box opened and empty on the floor.
...I was really looking forward to that pizza. oh well. animals will do animal things. that's why we love them.
>.> but now I'm hungry.
...I was really looking forward to that pizza. oh well. animals will do animal things. that's why we love them.
>.> but now I'm hungry.
AshtonDraws
Ash
So earlier today, somebody asked me for a commission on another site.
For context, there is a type of currency on that site (kinda like TBT), in which they used it all for that commission. Keep in mind that I couldn't find out how much they had, as the site doesn't show or have an option like that.
Keep in mind this was also a discount. I was asking for 150. The actual price would be a little over 400. For those standards, 150 is pretty cheap.
However, the person who commissioned me seemed to have ignored how much they had, so now they are lashing out on anybody who won't give them the currency on that site and possibly me because of it.
I refunded them and canceled the commission because I did not want to deal with the rigmarole. They also made two posts about it, the second one with an angier tone that's likely directed at me.
Thanks to that, I am going to add "Cost of the commission" in the form. It'll also help in case they say the incorrect amount, so I can correct them on it.
Again, not mentioning anybody, but..it got real ugly and I'm still awaiting a response.
For context, there is a type of currency on that site (kinda like TBT), in which they used it all for that commission. Keep in mind that I couldn't find out how much they had, as the site doesn't show or have an option like that.
Keep in mind this was also a discount. I was asking for 150. The actual price would be a little over 400. For those standards, 150 is pretty cheap.
However, the person who commissioned me seemed to have ignored how much they had, so now they are lashing out on anybody who won't give them the currency on that site and possibly me because of it.
I refunded them and canceled the commission because I did not want to deal with the rigmarole. They also made two posts about it, the second one with an angier tone that's likely directed at me.
Thanks to that, I am going to add "Cost of the commission" in the form. It'll also help in case they say the incorrect amount, so I can correct them on it.
Again, not mentioning anybody, but..it got real ugly and I'm still awaiting a response.
I read through all of the last page or so posts one by one and just wanted to say I'm really sorry you guys are going through these things, truly. It's tough and I wouldn't wish these things on anyone. I really hope that you all can get some peace of mind sooner, rather than later. 
---
I'm not too bothered at the moment, but I'm running on low sleep, so I'm probably going to head to sleep soon.
---
I'm not too bothered at the moment, but I'm running on low sleep, so I'm probably going to head to sleep soon.
Dunquixote
Mrrrroooooow! T-Treasure...
I’m feeling guilty about how I responded in a thread. It might have came off rude. I should’ve wrote thanks since I appreciated the tip even though I knew it already but I didn’t. I would’ve edited my post but it got a response and I’m pretty sure I came off rude even though I didn’t mean to >.<
My grade average went from 1,5 (A-) to 1,6 (B+) this year. It kinda sucks that it changed my overall grade, but I definitely deserved it after writing a D on one of the final exams lol. Of course it's pretty good either way, but I slipped up too much the last couple of months. One more year, I definitely want to get back to 1,5 for my final final grades.
But also at the same time I don't care about school and I hope we don't have to do group projects anymore. We probably will, but for two I had to do 90% of the work (and got those bums an A) and the one time I had a good group we got a B because we trusted each other too much. School is bothersome.
But also at the same time I don't care about school and I hope we don't have to do group projects anymore. We probably will, but for two I had to do 90% of the work (and got those bums an A) and the one time I had a good group we got a B because we trusted each other too much. School is bothersome.
ZeldaCrossing64
Sugary Cynic
My family had gotten sick recently, but I was feeling fine for a bit... Until this morning when I woke up with a sore throat, the day of my 1st math exam. :\ Hahaha... Great timing.
I hate exam week. Too many people and too much noise, it's overwhelming me. I wish the world would shut off for 5 minutes so I can collect myself.
I hate exam week. Too many people and too much noise, it's overwhelming me. I wish the world would shut off for 5 minutes so I can collect myself.
xSuperMario64x
call me Bug 🇨🇦💜🐛
ugh I had another stupid dream that really stressed me out (ironic given that the dream was actually initially about me relaxing and having a spa day). and now I've woken up, 8:45am, feeling really tired and anxious and cold. 
haaaaaa maybe I should get up and get dressed and go get an iced coffee.
haaaaaa maybe I should get up and get dressed and go get an iced coffee.
thinking about labels after hearing people talk while commuting. mostly a bit annoyed that my brain gets stuck on topics for way longer than they should until i dump my thoughts out
Sometimes I hear people say or imply that they find labels pointless/excessive/etc. and that we don't need labels for everything (from topics like gender or sexuality, to just general dichotomies of stuff). And it's not a rare or bad thought, just one that I find... a bit... Maybe the right word is just that's it's a bit narrow minded...? Often, I don't think it comes from a bad place - usually a thought of "we're all people and I respect everyone, so why do we need labels to divide us" or something. Which I get, and it's a nice sentiment, but... hm...
I feel like I usually hear this when someone's lacking perspective in a way, but sometimes they just don't think to apply their perspectives on some topics to other realms? In the case of labels, from my perspective, they're particularly helpful in making you feel like you're not alone in what you experience. For the longest time, I didn't know that asexuality was a thing, and so when I saw that I was like, "Oh! I'm not strange. This is a thing!" -- before then, I always just shrugged and felt maybe I was weird? Lacking the vocabulary to describe yourself, your experiences, is a bit frustrating at times. I think some people chalk it up to a desire to be unique, but I think it's the opposite - people want to have a sense that they aren't alone.
It would be silly to say things like subclassifications of medical conditions are unnecessary, right? Although I'm sure there are such conversations -- very few people will debate things like "why do we need all these different types of diabetes" or something, but maybe they'll question the different types of flus. Being able to more clearly classify something is... convenient. If you have a rare condition, having a name to put to it means that you weren't alone in your experience and that someone else has gone through it. I think that's comforting.
I think when it comes to ones self, it's perfectly fine to pick a label or to choose not to label yourself. For example, I don't really care to bother labelling my gender identity too much and will go with whatever's convenient or what I prefer at the time. On the other hand, I'll label myself as aro/ace when asked, because that's more important to me as a distinction. For some friends, their gender identity is very important to them, but then they don't care for some other labels like on their sexuality. Some people prefer no labels at all, and others like to have clearly defined labels. And I think all of those are absolutely fine!
But I think it's a bit selfish to say that labels are unnecessary, even if the thought behind it is well-intentioned. Of course, I don't think everyone has to understand or memorize every label for every topic. For example, it might still be on me to explain what asexual means when it's a new term to someone, but it also means that someone who wants to learn more has a specific term to search for. I can't possibly expect like... the older generations of my family to understand without explaining. (until I say something like "i'm like a monk" -- this is a whole other funny topic though.)
... It'd be nice if I could articulate my points a bit better, especially when this topic comes up in conversations. "Let other people live their lives, if they want to use labels, that's not my/your/anyone else's problem." lacks a lot of nuance. But then my alternative is like 3 paragraphs of text.
my overthinking/explaining is now a whole other topic, but one that i don't need to dump out. ahh... why does my brain go through so many things at once.
I feel like I usually hear this when someone's lacking perspective in a way, but sometimes they just don't think to apply their perspectives on some topics to other realms? In the case of labels, from my perspective, they're particularly helpful in making you feel like you're not alone in what you experience. For the longest time, I didn't know that asexuality was a thing, and so when I saw that I was like, "Oh! I'm not strange. This is a thing!" -- before then, I always just shrugged and felt maybe I was weird? Lacking the vocabulary to describe yourself, your experiences, is a bit frustrating at times. I think some people chalk it up to a desire to be unique, but I think it's the opposite - people want to have a sense that they aren't alone.
It would be silly to say things like subclassifications of medical conditions are unnecessary, right? Although I'm sure there are such conversations -- very few people will debate things like "why do we need all these different types of diabetes" or something, but maybe they'll question the different types of flus. Being able to more clearly classify something is... convenient. If you have a rare condition, having a name to put to it means that you weren't alone in your experience and that someone else has gone through it. I think that's comforting.
I think when it comes to ones self, it's perfectly fine to pick a label or to choose not to label yourself. For example, I don't really care to bother labelling my gender identity too much and will go with whatever's convenient or what I prefer at the time. On the other hand, I'll label myself as aro/ace when asked, because that's more important to me as a distinction. For some friends, their gender identity is very important to them, but then they don't care for some other labels like on their sexuality. Some people prefer no labels at all, and others like to have clearly defined labels. And I think all of those are absolutely fine!
But I think it's a bit selfish to say that labels are unnecessary, even if the thought behind it is well-intentioned. Of course, I don't think everyone has to understand or memorize every label for every topic. For example, it might still be on me to explain what asexual means when it's a new term to someone, but it also means that someone who wants to learn more has a specific term to search for. I can't possibly expect like... the older generations of my family to understand without explaining. (until I say something like "i'm like a monk" -- this is a whole other funny topic though.)
... It'd be nice if I could articulate my points a bit better, especially when this topic comes up in conversations. "Let other people live their lives, if they want to use labels, that's not my/your/anyone else's problem." lacks a lot of nuance. But then my alternative is like 3 paragraphs of text.
my overthinking/explaining is now a whole other topic, but one that i don't need to dump out. ahh... why does my brain go through so many things at once.
I'll be honest, I was fired a few days ago. There's a lot that goes into this, and I'm trying to make sense of it all.
And yes, I'm looking for retail jobs now. I'm much more suited for a retail environment anyway. My longest held job of almost four years was a retail job, where I was an overnight cashier and overnight stock.
It started on a Wednesday. I was scheduled to work a double shift (10:00 AM to 9:30 PM). I've been very vocal about preferring morning shifts, but I'll always take a double over a close. The dishwasher that works four days out of the week needed off on Friday and forgot to request it. He came in on my shift that I was scheduled for and the manager had no hesitation in sending me home. She said I have to give him the benefit of the doubt and even tried taking the blame for it.
I worked these double shifts so I didn't have to work after him. There's zero gap between the shifts that we work after this guy and somehow, it still ends up being buried in dishes when the other person gets there. A little bit is okay, but there's an issue when you are being left two full bins (decent sized bins, at that) because you cannot physically keep up. I came into Wednesday thinking that my day was going to be a walk in the park and I was proven wrong when my shift was stolen, resulting in myself being buried.
My new shift that day started at 3:00 PM, and I was angry for the whole day. Firstly, if somebody forgets to request off, that's okay. Do what you can to give them the day that they need off, but absolutely DO NOT send somebody else home because he wants to make up for the day he'd miss. 8:30 PM rolls around, and I find myself outside by the dumpster area puking my guts out because I'm stressed about the situation. Thursday was my day off, and I spend it in bed, not eating. I try to work on Friday, but I have to leave early because I'm still sick. That was when I discovered that my vomit was stress-induced.
This was when I tried ending my employment with them, but the manager manipulated (lack of a better word) me into putting a two weeks in despite me saying that it was causing me to be physically ill. There was also a stretch of four days that I did not eat a single thing with an exception of a few Ritz crackers. I decided to do what was best for me, or so I thought, by not coming to work on Tuesday. Tuesday was a closing shift for me after the aforementioned dishwasher, and if there was a chance of myself being sick again after finally getting better, I did NOT want to take the chance. I was a "No Call No Show," as they like to call it.
The manager calls me on Tuesday after discovering that I'm not at work, and I answer feeling that I owe somewhat of an explanation. I explain to her that I think it's best to end my employment for mental health reasons, and she ends up persuading me to finish out the week, working the three shifts that I'm scheduled for. She used phrases such as "You're really going to screw us over?" and "I think you owe it to us to at least show up for your scheduled shifts." You mean, like I did on Wednesday?? And you sent me home???
So, I finish out the shifts, working exactly what I'm scheduled for. At the end of my shift, I ended up asking for a transfer to a particular store that I thought would be a better environment for my mental health, and for a few days, I was in contact with the assistant manager at the store I was supposed to be transferring from. Everything was fine, and he said the store manager was alright with myself transferring.
Then, just before the transfer is supposed to be made official, I was informed that I was terminated for my "No Call No Show." That's a valid reason, and I'm well aware of that, but here's the problem: If they were going to fire me for that, they should have done that on the day that I never showed up. Don't convince me to finish out the week and then choose to fire me.
This just makes it seem that I was fired for asking for a transfer. I hate to feel that way, but is there really another explanation?
And I'm not saying this justifies my actions in any particular way, but the other closing dishwasher had already threatened to quit because of the older guy.
I'm at fault here, sure, but management seems suspicious? This isn't adding up, and I've spoken to a few other people, some of which are in manager positions at different stores entirely, and they agree with my bolded point above.
I worked these double shifts so I didn't have to work after him. There's zero gap between the shifts that we work after this guy and somehow, it still ends up being buried in dishes when the other person gets there. A little bit is okay, but there's an issue when you are being left two full bins (decent sized bins, at that) because you cannot physically keep up. I came into Wednesday thinking that my day was going to be a walk in the park and I was proven wrong when my shift was stolen, resulting in myself being buried.
My new shift that day started at 3:00 PM, and I was angry for the whole day. Firstly, if somebody forgets to request off, that's okay. Do what you can to give them the day that they need off, but absolutely DO NOT send somebody else home because he wants to make up for the day he'd miss. 8:30 PM rolls around, and I find myself outside by the dumpster area puking my guts out because I'm stressed about the situation. Thursday was my day off, and I spend it in bed, not eating. I try to work on Friday, but I have to leave early because I'm still sick. That was when I discovered that my vomit was stress-induced.
This was when I tried ending my employment with them, but the manager manipulated (lack of a better word) me into putting a two weeks in despite me saying that it was causing me to be physically ill. There was also a stretch of four days that I did not eat a single thing with an exception of a few Ritz crackers. I decided to do what was best for me, or so I thought, by not coming to work on Tuesday. Tuesday was a closing shift for me after the aforementioned dishwasher, and if there was a chance of myself being sick again after finally getting better, I did NOT want to take the chance. I was a "No Call No Show," as they like to call it.
The manager calls me on Tuesday after discovering that I'm not at work, and I answer feeling that I owe somewhat of an explanation. I explain to her that I think it's best to end my employment for mental health reasons, and she ends up persuading me to finish out the week, working the three shifts that I'm scheduled for. She used phrases such as "You're really going to screw us over?" and "I think you owe it to us to at least show up for your scheduled shifts." You mean, like I did on Wednesday?? And you sent me home???
So, I finish out the shifts, working exactly what I'm scheduled for. At the end of my shift, I ended up asking for a transfer to a particular store that I thought would be a better environment for my mental health, and for a few days, I was in contact with the assistant manager at the store I was supposed to be transferring from. Everything was fine, and he said the store manager was alright with myself transferring.
Then, just before the transfer is supposed to be made official, I was informed that I was terminated for my "No Call No Show." That's a valid reason, and I'm well aware of that, but here's the problem: If they were going to fire me for that, they should have done that on the day that I never showed up. Don't convince me to finish out the week and then choose to fire me.
This just makes it seem that I was fired for asking for a transfer. I hate to feel that way, but is there really another explanation?
And I'm not saying this justifies my actions in any particular way, but the other closing dishwasher had already threatened to quit because of the older guy.
I'm at fault here, sure, but management seems suspicious? This isn't adding up, and I've spoken to a few other people, some of which are in manager positions at different stores entirely, and they agree with my bolded point above.
And yes, I'm looking for retail jobs now. I'm much more suited for a retail environment anyway. My longest held job of almost four years was a retail job, where I was an overnight cashier and overnight stock.
They're absolutely punishing you for threatening to quit / trying to transfer.
Are you part of a union at all? Have you spoken to the manager of the other store since this happened?
Hey, thanks for responding. I don’t believe our company is a union, but I’ve been told to go to HR by more than one person. I’m considering getting in touch tomorrow or even today, if anything to get closure.
I am actively looking for new jobs because I’ve come to realize retail is a better environment for myself by far, but I do want to prevent this from happening down the road, and if that means letting HR know of the situation, I’ll be doing that.
Get ahead of it ASAP. If they're malicious enough (and sounds like this person might be) they could give you a bad reference if you apply for a new job purely out of spite.
ZeldaCrossing64
Sugary Cynic
Well, I'm pretty sure my family and I have strep throat. This is just... Fantastic. My final week of school and during my exams, and I get sick. I guess I just feel... Mildly annoyed about the inconvenience. I'm not steaming with anger, just miffed about the timing. I'm not having terrible symptoms YET (and I hope—but doubt—that it'll stay that way), but my throat is killing me.
I've been procrastinating on my schoolwork, and now I'm sick in my final week of literally all of high school. That's on me for putting off my work, but still. I think I better get started before I feel too sick to do anything.
I've been procrastinating on my schoolwork, and now I'm sick in my final week of literally all of high school. That's on me for putting off my work, but still. I think I better get started before I feel too sick to do anything.
i’m having cramps right now.
In the last couple of days I guess I’m less comfortable having my stuff on a public forum, even one as lovely as this. I’m just becoming more and more exclusive due to the last few months.
At least it’s getting to a point I can prioritise working through some of it and not just faffing doing nothing.
At least it’s getting to a point I can prioritise working through some of it and not just faffing doing nothing.
