What's Bothering You?

I'm really struggling with depression right now. Part of it is a situation in my life right now causing a TON of stress that I don't know what to do about. Anytime I try to distract myself or think positively I get dragged down by dread and hopelessness
 
I don't wanna be a responsible adult, I wanna lay in the grass
Idk what to do with my life. I've been a longshoreman for over a decade and it's the only skill set I have but working down on the docks is hard work. It's not just the labour that makes it hard, it's the environment with all my coworkers too cause everyone yells at each other with no filter. My partner is also in college so I make significantly more money then them and if I changed careers we would probs have to move out of Vancouver. I get a pit in my stomach thinking about going to work. It's become the bane of my existence. Also my dad will probably have a meltdown if I quit my job cause he got me this job. I've tried to quit before and he told me I'd get stuck working minimum wage the rest of my life and I got scared and stayed. I'm probably gonna end up working this job I hate my whole life and then end up all grumpy and unlikeable like my dad and uncles.
 
My latest auction failed once again. My collectibles aren’t selling well.

If nobody wants to buy my collectibles (or anybody else’s collectibles), I would at least like to get 2,000 TBT from some other member. I tried selling my collectibles for months, only to fail. I wish I could earn loads of TBT.
 
Got sick for the second time after eating tofurky slices 😔 they weren't expired and didn't smell or taste weird, but I'm hoping it was just a bad box. They've been great for quick sandwiches and I'd hate to have to cut them out of my diet (especially since this was also my favorite flavor of them aaa).
Praying the next box won't lay me out for an afternoon, but now that I've identified the perpetrator I'm already kinda hesitant to give them another chance, even though I've eaten tons of these before and never had a problem hhhh
 
I am so tired of suffering every day. I was actually having a lot of fun on a browser game today but my health and the state of this house are unavoidable and pretty much ruin whatever mood I had. No wonder I can't get myself to play on my Switch anymore...
 
my flatmate is very good at leaving rubbish on the kitchen bench and it makes me unnecessarily angry. Sometimes she likes to use bits and pieces for crafts or wants to separate the plastics for proper recycling, but my god, keep it somewhere else other than the bench. The rubbish bin is in the kitchen, put the rubbish away!! The recycling bin is only a few steps away outside, put it in that!!

As I said, very petty complaint, but it makes me unnecessarily angry!! 😡🤣
 
Who wouldve thought that being illegally beaten by police would leave me with some traumatic feelings. 2 weeks tomorrow and every night Im thinking about it. I'm 5 foot, disabled, physically unable to defend myself - how is that a fair attack? An extra part of this for me is the fact I witnessed police brutality in 2020 and then 4 years later and (bafflingly) just 100 meters down the road I got beat myself.

I seem to only ever post on here now to be sad, I got to find new hobbies other than being depressed.

EDIT: police just rung me for the separate assault that happened to me 2 years ago. they're going to take my statement in an hour
 
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Had a meltdown in front of my boss. That was an hour and a half ago and I still can't calm down. Just spent my lunch break in my office sobbing instead of joining my colleagues in the staff room. I really hate being neurodivergent some days. I just want to go home, curl up under a blanket on my couch, and be alone. 2.5hrs to go, with a call from my boss in that time to look forward to.
 
Eye infections always painfully show me that I cannot control myself. Nothing I try ever seems to make me stop subconsciously messing with it, and then it takes me longer to go to sleep. I tried taking a shower twice in the past 24 hours (which did make it better at the time) and I have still gone back to the same stupid problems. I really hope I can sleep soon and then have it bother me less when I wake up, but I know from past experiences that sometimes even sleeping isn't enough.
 
Chris said:
Had a meltdown in front of my boss. That was an hour and a half ago and I still can't calm down. Just spent my lunch break in my office sobbing instead of joining my colleagues in the staff room. I really hate being neurodivergent some days. I just want to go home, curl up under a blanket on my couch, and be alone. 2.5hrs to go, with a call from my boss in that time to look forward to.
Click to expand...
Well, this got worse.
Physics teacher walked into my office about a half hour after I posted this going, "Chris, can I borrow you?" and I was still a blubbering mess and told him it wasn't a good time.

And I guess he went and told the head biology teacher, because less than a minute later she runs in asking me what's wrong before she's even seen me. She accepted I didn't want to talk but made me a cup of tea and even offered to get me lunch after realising I hadn't eaten.

It was lovely that she cared and wanted to help but oh god I feel so humiliated. Why can't I be normal? Emotional dysregulation is a *****. I'm in my 30s this shouldn't be happening at work. I've been home two hours now and still feel awful.
 
My dad is so mean to one of my nieces; he treats the other two different and better - just like how he treats my sister better than me. My middle niece was crying earlier and he kept yelling at her, just like how he freaks out when I show anxiety or show symptoms of being on the spectrum (like saying something that is awkward or weird). My mom is fed up and talked about moving or us keeping the place and making my dad move; she kept saying she should’ve left dad years ago.

I’m not sure how I feel even though I’m tired of how he treats me.

Aside from that making me worry, I’m doing okay. Trying my best not to think about my best friend; I’ve been feeling a bit lonely off and on even though I’ve been talking to friends. Part of me misses having personal friends to hang out with too; at the same time, I wouldn’t want them to see how I still haven’t unpacked everyone or really how I’m not taking that good care of myself anymore.
 
the past 6-7 months have really done a number on my mental health, and it's so frustrating because before then I was feeling really good about how much progress I'd made and how well I was doing. now I'm only fine as long as I have something actively distracting me. as soon as I'm taking a shower, trying to go to sleep at night, or just whenever I'm by myself I am the furthest thing from okay.

and it's weird because in my present life, I'm happy. but I'm so terrified of the future taking that away from me again. I'm so used to everything always going wrong and getting worse and things being suddenly ripped out from under me that I can't be excited or hopeful about the future anymore, all it does is scare me. I just want to feel safe and stable but nothing feels certain, and nothing can reassure me on that because I know for a fact that nothing is certain.
and I've always been able to take refuge and comfort in my favorite things, and they still make me happy to a degree. but they don't make me feel as better as they used to, and sometimes now I look at these things and they feel pointless to me, and I don't know why or what's changed, but I don't like feeling it and that's scaring me too.

and I know I should really talk to my parents about this. I know. I've known that I should talk to them for weeks now. but we've just had so much going on that every time I think about it, I can't bring myself to add that one more thing for them to worry about. I know they'd want me to anyway but I just can't do it.

edit: I caved and talked to my mom about it this evening and starting to feel a little better about things
 
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