What's Bothering You?

I hate people. 😐

My partner likes when I crossdress, so I did that for our date tonight. Result? I was out the house less than 3 minutes before someone wolf-whistled from their car. Like what the hell dude. Is this what women have to put up with?
Yeah, I hate people too. Last year or maybe it was two years ago now, I tried to take Nicholas out for a walk by myself (usually my husband goes with us) - I didn’t even make it past the next block before I was cat-called. I immediately called my husband and told him I wasn’t going to go by myself anymore. And we live in a nice neighborhood, it’s a shame.
 
There was this one post I made in this thread a long time ago. The reason I’m bringing it up is because I hate that I still feel this way. Why do I give a **** about someone else’s opinions on me? Why do I have to be insecure? Why can’t I just not care. Whatever, I’ll just stop now. I don’t think this will ever change.
 
Somebody that was 10 years old told me that they used to like Pokémon, but they grew out of it. He told me he was too old for it, and was even making fun of me for liking it, among other things, despite being the same age.

Having any interests at any age is okay. I'm realizing that people are more open about their interests now rather than keeping them hidden, and I think that's great. It's obvious with anime. It used to be taboo or unheard of to like it, or you were seen as weird. Now, I can't go a day without seeing somebody wearing anime merch. It makes me happy that it's more widely accepted now, and that people aren't embarrassed to show love for their interests. There are even anime movies coming to theaters. I can't say I could've ever predicted that ten years ago.
 
Wish that my fear of failure and anxiety would go away.
I know anxiety just makes the fear of failure worse. Just remember, Thomas Edison said when inventing the lightbulb, “I have not failed. I’ve just found 10,000 ways that won’t work.” That change in mindset is what can turn every perceived failure into a success. It’s just that each of those little successes might look different than the big one you’re hoping for. ❤️ 🫂
 
So glad today is over. To top the day off someone was sure I had put something of theirs in the bin. I told them I was 100% sure I didn't. They kept going on, that I must have put it in the bin as they couldn't find it. I probably wouldn't have done this in normal circumstances, but today has pushed me to the limit. I took the bin bag in from the kitchen and emptied it piece by piece into another bin bag in front of them. Their 'item' was not in the bin. Hope they apologise when they do find it. Even though I was 100% sure, they had me starting to doubt myself. Going to bed and listen to some Elton and hopefully destress.
 
I hate having POTS. When it gets hot outside like this, it feels like it’s a lot hotter due to my POTS; at least in my opinion. I sweat a lot and it is so difficult to try not to pass out from this humid freaking heat. The migraines from it being so hot also don’t help. As I get emotional and much more anxious when I get migraines. I worry my friends don’t like me anymore; or that I did something wrong to them. I try to remind myself everyone has a life outside of me and the friendships in general, my friends are allowed to have other friends; my friends are allowed to be busy.. but my anxiety has been controlling me lately, making me fear they dislike me. This is also probably my BPD kicking in— again.. :’) I can’t help but feel like I’m a terrible friend.
 
It’s such a huge shame that someone whose music got me through a lot of pain, whose music was a huge help getting me from minute to minute through some of the worst intrusive thoughts of my life, behaves in this hurtful, hateful, way. So, so, ****ing sad.
 
I’ve deleted all of the photos of myself that show my face on here, every Discord server I’m active on, and on social media. People have insulted my appearance in unspeakable ways and many have used it against me. I’ve posted selfies of myself on Discord servers and been called ugly or worse twice. I also share more info online than I should and a face would make it even easier to track me down anyway.
 
Severe storms are supposed to be coming up in a bit, including a flood watch. I’m gonna go and pick up the stuff on the basement floor ;-; Oh, and I should go put my bird sculpture my boyfriend gave me in the garage. She could easily be blown over.
 
So, the internet connection I've been having problems with (saying there's the a strong connection but no internet), seems to really only effect my laptop. Which I really don't understand why. Because I have the correct password and everything to the internet. Usually I just have to wait for it to stop saying that but it is so frustrating 😒
 
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