What's Bothering You?

It's so angering how much my depressive episodes genuinely impair me. I'm actually lightheaded from how foggy and out of it I am. I can't think clearly. I'm having the hardest time communicating, both verbally and through writing. Everything I write right now just looks wrong. I don't have the energy to engage in any of my hobbies. I feel so lonely but I can't talk when I'm like this, and not being able to respond in the way that I want to or even at all would just make me feel worse. I don't understand how I'm supposed to live when I feel like this 90% of the time. I literally see things different when this happens, like my eyesight is focused yet foggy and blurred at the same time???

I can't do anything right now except wait and pray that tomorrow will be the day I wake up feeling better. My doctor's appointment next month genuinely can't come soon enough because I am tired. I am exhausting. I just want my brain to be normal.

The temperatures are also insanely hot and humid this week, so I'm back to feeling sweaty, sticky and humid, which isn't helping. 😩 I want winter, and I want my brain to get its **** together and function!!
 
I spilled my coffee all down myself for a third time this week. Not once, not twice but 3 different times. I also barfed all down myself again while driving. Idk what is wrong with me but hopefully it's just stress. I'm on the list for a family doctor so hopefully they will contact me soon. My dad gets so enraged when I spill my drink too. Why ya gotta be like that father, just chill out. He was like "there's something wrong with your brain, just like mine". Oh great pep talk.
 
It bothers me how exclusive I am now and I feel like I just need this for my sanity.

I wish I could give you guys the same energy I want to. I wish I could do friendships right.

I forgot to tell my psychologist about my anxiety over my online presence.

I wish I could really like myself again.

Also, I dunno, I watched a certain online cartoon because I hadn’t seen that new episode in the last couple weeks and that line about how he looked up and didn’t realise how low the other guy thought of him, wow that hit close to home.

Edit: also I miss how I used to feel for art and I wish the boy had much more
 
SkyKnight03 said:
My cousin is autistic and loves birthdays. He's always reminding me of my birthday coming up.

...I kinda feel terrible because I'm not going to be home for a few days. It means I won't see him on my birthday.

So I want to give him a gift. I realize the backwards nature in that. (searching a gift for someone else on my own birthday) but I think it would be soothing. Maybe I'll get him a new video game. Or I'll take him to lunch before I leave.

He's actually been on my mind more than I would like to admit. I think I've grown a soft spot for him and the sudden guilt is starting to hit me.
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I guess I can update this now. Took him out for some ice cream today. It was quite nice. There's a gas station/fast food stop 10 minutes from us.

We sat inside and I got myself some cheese curds and fries for only $6.00. They also sell 99 cent ice creams.

We had fun. Will definitely have to do it more often.
 
I hate people. 😐

My partner likes when I crossdress, so I did that for our date tonight. Result? I was out the house less than 3 minutes before someone wolf-whistled from their car. Like what the hell dude. Is this what women have to put up with?
 
Earlier today, my mom told an embarrassing story that happened to me to our friend. It's been 10 years now. The story's way too much information to tell here on the forums, despite me telling her not to tell it, but she told it anyway, and she even said that she told her story to same friend, which also was too embarrassing and it's way too much information, it happened to her when she was 11, and she also said that, "I don't understand that it's okay to laugh it off because I'm not old enough." I'm only 23, but she was just saying that because I'm not older compared to my mom and our older friends.

Also, my mom thinks Juneteenth is woke. :c
 
I’m looking back on years of experience and what I’ve learned, and I feel like I can’t make anything out of it anymore.

Kind of just feels like nonsense and the ultimate point bing that I can’t get too attached to people. I want life to be so much more. Every tome I go through trauma though I get more resigned and this has really been a massive breaking point.

This is going to sound so vindictive and I guess it is, but it really bothers me the people responsible for contributing to this are never going to understand or face comeuppance. I thought I was better than this. Maybe I was and I’m not anymore. Progress isn’t linear but going back on years of mental development…..
 
My dad (stepdad) has been in hospital twice this last week with pneumonia on top of stage three lung cancer. He’s down to under a hundred pounds and hasn’t eaten anything the past few days. They decided today to let him go home on hospice. It’s not going to be long. We’re about to go in and my plan is to stay as long as my mom & dad need me to stay. I lost my other day in may 2020 so this is a huge hard blow even though I knew this one was coming. He was diagnosed last august. My heart aches for him and my mom.
 
DaCoSim said:
My dad (stepdad) has been in hospital twice this last week with pneumonia on top of stage three lung cancer. He’s down to under a hundred pounds and hasn’t eaten anything the past few days. They decided today to let him go home on hospice. It’s not going to be long. We’re about to go in and my plan is to stay as long as my mom & dad need me to stay. I lost my other day in may 2020 so this is a huge hard blow even though I knew this one was coming. He was diagnosed last august. My heart aches for him and my mom.
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I'm so sorry to hear this @DaCoSim. It sounds like he's really suffering, so I hope he's getting the best end of life care. Cherish this time with him and try to remember him as he was in health. All my love to you and your family. 🖤
 
Chris said:
I'm so sorry to hear this @DaCoSim. It sounds like he's really suffering, so I hope he's getting the best of end of life care. All my love to you and your family. 🖤
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Thank u so much. Yeah, I’m hoping they are giving him plenty of meds to keep him out of pain. We’re leaving here in about to 30 min to head that way so we should be there by 5-6 my time. I just hope we make it in time to say goodbye. I didn’t get to say goodbye to my other dad.
 
DaCoSim said:
Thank u so much. Yeah, I’m hoping they are giving him plenty of meds to keep him out of pain. We’re leaving here in about to 30 min to head that way so we should be there by 5-6 my time. I just hope we make it in time to say goodbye. I didn’t get to say goodbye to my other dad.
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I really hope you get there in time. Absolutely here to talk later if you want someone outside of family to air thoughts to.
 
Today it's canadian statistics and mandatory surveys that bother me, like "you have been chosen among millions to answer our survey and if you don't do it, we will go to your house" kind of survey. They chose my family more than 5 times already, and since nobody wants to do it I'm always the one forced to do it in the end and I'm really not good with those or any kind of surveys because questions are too confusing for me. Plus I hate phones or talking to ppl in general.

Like once they asked me if I could afford dentist once a year and I said "yes" (because I have no choise because of condition), then they asked me if I could afford clothes and I said "no", restaurant "no", cinema "no", I was being honest, the dentist takes all my money 😠 so I can't afford anything else but I couldn't explain that, so I don't know how they interpreted this. Once on the phone, I don't remember what it was about but the lady said I was contradicting myself all the time, and I told her she was not asking the right questions, then I got so flustered and annoyed that I answered "I don't know" or similar answers to all remaining questions. The rest of the family is no better, my mom being deaf just answer anything, we are messing their statistics, so they should stop bothering us! Today my mom couldn't understand what they were saying so she just hung up...🙃 ...ah...they might show up now...

With all that agitation I'm so behind with my diversity project...
 
i literally asked my manager for more hours and what do they do? proceed to give me less hours 😐 i’m not even considered part-time atp, i am actively looking for new jobs but haven’t heard back from any employers. i’m at my last straw w my current job honestly lmao
 
I'm so angry and frustrated. All I did was slip while walking. On the flat sidewalk!!! I wasn't going up or down a hill or hiking or anything. Just regular walking. And now my ankle is broken and I feel so useless.

I miss the babies at work. My boss is going to call tomorrow to see about me going in next week and I just want to cry. I don't know what to do. I can't get around effectively. I'm hopping on one leg with my crutches still because it hurts to put any weight on the stupid broken ankle. And I can't hop around for long because then my other leg gets really tired. And my job is super active. I'm always on my feet.

It doesn't help that the hospital doctor didn't really tell me much. He left that for the specialist to do but I don't see them until July 8th so. Am I just supposed to keep hopping around and spending the day in bed until then?? I hate it. I hate this. I feel so useless and hopeless honestly.
 
This is pretty minor (and it hasn't even happened), but I'm pretty frustrated about something.
My brother is at a friend's house right now, and my parents are going to Montreal for the night. I was excited that I get to have the house to myself, since I like to be home alone... But my brother is coming back home with his friend.

This is just a disaster waiting to happen. My brother doesn't usually listen to me to begin with, but he's even more defiant when a friend is over; He doesn't listen to me AT ALL by then. It's incredibly frustrating and I have to contain my anger, which is really hard for me. Also, I have to do all the chores myself, since my brother insists I do it so he can spend more time with his friend. I get that, but it's not fun for me.

Honestly, I shouldn't even be complaining. This doesn't happen often, and there's probably others who have to live like this in much worse situations. But... I dunno. It sucks to know that my evening's gonna be wasted just so my brother can enjoy himself.

Also, we might get another storm tonight, so there's a good chance our power and Internet will go out. Which is exactly what we needed. :T
 
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