What's Bothering You?

Got the heating engineer back out on Thursday and supposed to have fixed boiler and even got it serviced. Just got up and it's not working, exactly the same error codes are appearing. They don't open until Monday, so it's going to be another weekend of trying to reset it whenever we want hot water, and no heating. Can't anyone properly fix anything these days, or am I just unlucky? 😞
 
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I got myself a little sick from being so anxious and upset about a stupid mess up. I’m starting to consider removing some sessions that haven’t been signed up for yet and taking a complete break from here and discord; at the same time, I feel like if I do that, I’ll probably end up feeling worse with nothing to distract me.I’m still having a lot of fun with the sessions; after, when I’m doing other things like animal crossing, I’m feeling kinda miserable and not enjoying it like I was before this happened. I wish there was an undo button :/

Please no replies or dms or discord messages.
 
This years McDonalds monopoly prizes are really hard to find, usually I've had lots of instant win food prizes by now 🥲

Nor have I been able to sleep since Sheila wiped me off her Pokémon go friends list. So sad.
 
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saving money is so hard, I just got paid and unless my parents give me the money they owe me I will have literally $100 to work with this pay period. I don't want to dip into my savings but something has to give at some point. 🥲

also, I think? I feel a little better today? but I'm still feeling lethargic and I'm struggling to get out of bed. I wish this depressive episode would stop so I can get back to what I need to do, being a normal functioning adult. so many things have fallen into disarray in the last few days. 😭
 
I remembered something that lead to me getting in a bad mood about certain decisions companies make. I wish I didn't know someone who is technically part of the problem since that makes me feel worse, but whatever.
I wish I was in a world where people could actually get along and not be like this.
 
A little about myself:

I am a devout animal lover. I regularly seek to learn about them. I keep an eye on conservation statuses. I've always had pets.

When I was rejected on the spot from a job working with animals a few weeks back I cried.

My mother thought I was crying because of the rejection, but that wasn't exactly it. I was crying because it felt like a dream had been shattered.

Life will go forward. I'll hug my dog and cat and love the animals that I have in my life. I'll try not to feel bitter. Eventually maybe life will circle back around and I'll be able to work with animals. Until then maybe I can donate and support specific originazations.

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If someone views me as a bad person, it feels weird doing nice things for people... All it feels like is 'me trying to prove them wrong.' Like, are my actions coming from a place of niceness, or do I believe inside that I'm a bad person like others think and I'm trying to convince myself otherwise? Am I... not genuine? That in itself would make me a bad person.
 
Tired and drained, and tired of putting up with other people's immature and irresponsible behavior. I need a vacation, lmaoooo

In other news I expect things to be very different by spring of next year, so still looking towards the bright side I guess.
 
These nightmares are really starting to get to me. When I’m awake, it’s like I’m constantly fearing the worst based off a dream I had while I was asleep. Having BPD doesn’t make it any better either. I’ve lashed out on a few people today and I feel so guilty. 😞
I know it’s just because of my nightmares; because they’re only ever about one or two people specifically. I miss my boyfriend.. I ruined it with him *again* after things have been going so good.. TT
He’s still so patient, which makes me feel bad.. I’m so tired of being mentally ill. Despite therapy, despite medication.. nothing seems to work when I’m really in a crisis. Or when I’m in a fit of blackout rage.

I’m not going to let this consume me. I have been doing very good the past month or two. I don’t want to let this ruin my day; but after riding this ceaseless high of anger all day— I’m starting to feel very down; and low.
 
My cat has cancer. I found out today.

I don't know how to process this aside from crying and snuggling her. I don't know when it is right to... send her on to the next life where I hope to see her again. I am broken at the moment I know the time is coming where I will say goodbye. She is the only thing relevant in my life. I don't know what to do or how to handle this
 
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