What's Bothering You?

I’m not gonna be able to finish my tattoo design in time. But i still love it and made good progress on it, so I will definitely finish it when I get the chance!

As for creature feature, I got really ambitious with the drawing idea so there is no way on earth I could fit my internal idea in to my packed schedule, but I did write a description so I will post that just for fun ^^ And maybe a really rough concept sketch of what I wanted to make.

I’m glad I was able to make a collectible design though! Very proud of how mine turned out, especially given that I have virtually no experience with pixel art XD
 
hummm i haven't been on the site for a few days. kind of a reason why.

i was diagnosed, formally, with OCD. i have known i have hypochondria for a while, but wasn't well aware that hypochondria is TECHNICALLY OCD, despite the new name for hypochondria being "health anxiety." it follows the same obsessive and compulsive patterns as OCD, and my therapist has taught me several ways to "pick up" on my other compulsions to see if i notice them. there is a lot of them. constantly checking locked doors to make sure theyre REALLY locked and cant be pushed open, checking that my bank & uber balances aren't beneath $25 or else i get really stressed, etc.

the worst thing though is the health anxiety, and most unfortunately, i'm going through another episode right now. i start some new type of therapy soon i've never done which is basically exposure therapy, and im not sure how its going to work because my health anxiety is about a ridiculous specific problem that can't really be replicated. so that's going to be interesting. never the less, i HAVE to get it back into remission. the last 5 months have been worried about some invisible boogieman of a condition that I DON'T HAVE, yet it's causing me such horrific distress that you'd think it's real. it's not. and it's not even the end of the world if it was real, it would just hurt a lot.

just needing a place to get it out i guess. i wish i had the desire to participate in the last events more, like the fair and the halloween event, but this is just really holding me back :[ maybe next year.
 
I've been having chronic headaches for a while now, and it's really bothering me. At this point, they feel more like migraines than anything. Thankfully, I'm seeing my doctor tomorrow, but I also work so I'm gonna be late. My manager also hasn't answered when I called, so I'm getting anxious.

Also...
I found out today that one of my coworker's boyfriend died recently. I only had one shift with her so far, but she's been really nice with me. My stepmom also knows her personally, so she felt upset about the news as well. As someone who's dealt with loss, my heart goes out to my coworker.

Generally, I'm just not having a good day off. :confused:
 
My mother is upset because I got a two week jury duty summon and I don't have arranged transportation. (I can't just not go. The penalty, at least for here, is imprisonment).

The irony is that the jury dates are directly before I become eligible to take my driver's license test. If it were just a little later this wouldn't be an issue. Because I could just take myself to the court each day.

The most I can do is try and write an appeal letter. It's all just really bad timing.
 
my anxiety has been in and out the past week and i am unproductive
dad's in the hospital & my uncle isnt able to eat properly yet (he keeps throwing up) so me and my mom have just been kinda all over the place?
the other night i was watching over my dad in the hospital, he's feeling fine but still lots of labs to do since theyre trying to pinpoint the cause of his infection. mom's with him now, im at home since they discharged my uncle and i have to be with him but he's been throwing everything up so we might have to readmit him
im just trying my best to be calm so. yea. idk

on the plus side: i finally got checked for my stomach pains yesterday and doctor said it could be IBS. he gave me a med that actually worked for once? ive never felt better. maybe it could be IBS lmao
 
Just feeling a bit frustrated at the moment since my parents decided to rearrange the whole house while I was at work. My bedroom is already in the backyard basically so I have to go up the back steps to get into the actual main part of the house, but the way they've rearranged their bedrooms now makes me have to go around the whole block and go through the front door instead every time now, which it was already awkward going up the stairs at night but now it's even more awkward.

Honestly not even that big of a deal, I've made myself laugh a little cuz I'm realising how silly that is but it's just a frustrating thing to come home from work to ig lmao 😂
 
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My stress-induced vomit happened again. That hasn't happened since the incident at my last job, except this time, it has nothing to do with work. I feel like I'll always be a terrible person in the eyes of my mom, as if I can't do anything right.

I wasn't expecting to get so stressed out by my mother that I would give myself a migraine with stress-induced vomit. I'm sick of hearing that everything that's wrong with me today has to do with my dad. I'm sick of feeling like I'm improving as a person only to be brought down by unnecessary comments. She told me that "I can quit my job for the hundredth time because of my coworkers pissed me off again, [meaning her]." It's comments like that that are hurtful to hear after having made improvements to my life.

I'm sick of being seen as a bad person in her eyes and having things from my past used against me when I'm no longer that person. I'm sick of not being able to enjoy the Dodgers WS victory like I should be simply because my mom is insufferable.

I'm sick of my mom telling me that she doesn't see me as a bad person, but that I've been brainwashed by my dad. She also bought a hotel last night; She told me specifically that she didn't trust me to not hurt her in her sleep. This is not what I need to be dealing with as somebody that already disassociates because they are bipolar. I'm sick of feeling like I'm an ungrateful **** because I can't appreciate the fact that she's taking my friend and I on a week-long vacation because in my opinion, the nice things do not justify the emotional abuse.

Either way, this is an improvement from last year. I'm actually eating something filling. Last time this happened, I hadn't eaten for five days.
 
today is the 3rd anniversary of my Zeva passing away. my grief has turned into numbness, and I feel more disbelieved than anything else today. I don't understand how it's been 3 years. I don't understand how I haven't been able to pet her, cuddle her, hear her purr or meow, watch her breathe, or just be with her in 3 years. some days, I feel like I'm still sitting in the parking lot of the veterinary hospital she died in, and other days my life with her feels like it was several lifetimes ago.

I've had some truly wonderful experiences in the past 3 years. I've had good days. I cry for her less than I used to. it all just makes me feel so guilty, because I was so certain I would die when she did. I couldn't fathom there being life after her, and some days it feels like there wasn't supposed to be. some days I wish there hadn't been. most days I don't know how to begin living without her or even wanting to— I've just been existing.

I don't know what to do with this version of my grief— this version that still feels so consuming and agonizing, a pain in the centre of my very being that hits me in the middle of the night and it's all I can do to not curl into a ball, and yet so hollow at the same time.

Bonk helps, and it's so special to me that I'm able to share her as much as I do and that so many of you know her and love her as well, but I think it'll always hurt that I didn't share Zeva the same way. she shaped me into who I am. she is the most integral part of my being, even now. everything I do and will do is for her.

IMG_0190.jpeg
 
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