What's Bothering You?

My stress-induced vomit happened again. That hasn't happened since the incident at my last job, except this time, it has nothing to do with work. I feel like I'll always be a terrible person in the eyes of my mom, as if I can't do anything right.

I wasn't expecting to get so stressed out by my mother that I would give myself a migraine with stress-induced vomit. I'm sick of hearing that everything that's wrong with me today has to do with my dad. I'm sick of feeling like I'm improving as a person only to be brought down by unnecessary comments. She told me that "I can quit my job for the hundredth time because of my coworkers pissed me off again, [meaning her]." It's comments like that that are hurtful to hear after having made improvements to my life.

I'm sick of being seen as a bad person in her eyes and having things from my past used against me when I'm no longer that person. I'm sick of not being able to enjoy the Dodgers WS victory like I should be simply because my mom is insufferable.

I'm sick of my mom telling me that she doesn't see me as a bad person, but that I've been brainwashed by my dad. She also bought a hotel last night; She told me specifically that she didn't trust me to not hurt her in her sleep. This is not what I need to be dealing with as somebody that already disassociates because they are bipolar. I'm sick of feeling like I'm an ungrateful **** because I can't appreciate the fact that she's taking my friend and I on a week-long vacation because in my opinion, the nice things do not justify the emotional abuse.

Either way, this is an improvement from last year. I'm actually eating something filling. Last time this happened, I hadn't eaten for five days.
 
today is the 3rd anniversary of my Zeva passing away. my grief has turned into numbness, and I feel more disbelieved than anything else today. I don't understand how it's been 3 years. I don't understand how I haven't been able to pet her, cuddle her, hear her purr or meow, watch her breathe, or just be with her in 3 years. some days, I feel like I'm still sitting in the parking lot of the veterinary hospital she died in, and other days my life with her feels like it was several lifetimes ago.

I've had some truly wonderful experiences in the past 3 years. I've had good days. I cry for her less than I used to. it all just makes me feel so guilty, because I was so certain I would die when she did. I couldn't fathom there being life after her, and some days it feels like there wasn't supposed to be. some days I wish there hadn't been. most days I don't know how to begin living without her or even wanting to— I've just been existing.

I don't know what to do with this version of my grief— this version that still feels so consuming and agonizing, a pain in the centre of my very being that hits me in the middle of the night and it's all I can do to not curl into a ball, and yet so hollow at the same time.

Bonk helps, and it's so special to me that I'm able to share her as much as I do and that so many of you know her and love her as well, but I think it'll always hurt that I didn't share Zeva the same way. she shaped me into who I am. she is the most integral part of my being, even now. everything I do and will do is for her.

IMG_0190.jpeg
 
It has been a chaotic day with a lot going on. And it didn't start off on the best foot either - I forgot to pack my lunch and my jeans (I had the gym before work) so I've been wearing my workout trousers all day. Super unprofessional.

A £1400 (US$1800+) piece of equipment brokedown. I managed to repair it thankfully but it was out of commission at the time it was needed!

Cut multiple fingers opening new glassware this morning. And I didn't even do it on the glass - it was with the blade I used to open the packaging! Thankfully the first aider was free but my hands look awful covered in loads of plasters. 😅

I'm very much looking forward to the weekend. Two more hours and I can go home!
 
ive lost my appetite the past few days? weird. just the thought of eating something, especially something with fructose makes me feel sick in the throat. i wonder what's up. even remembering an acai bowl thing i had a week ago gives me this feeling t-t the memory is soo gross, but at the time it tasted fine.
 
for some reason i keep waking up in the middle of the night with my body feeling like i just had a nightmare, but i sincerely dont remember my dreams? it's interrupting my sleep and it's really strange. like i just wake up in a panic and go "that was odd" and then try to fall back asleep, but it takes a few hours. hrrrm.
 
To be honest, I'm just so fed up of a few people in real life. No matter what I do, it's never enough or right. I can't avoid these people due to circumstances, I've tried to tell them how I feel and they say 'You're overreacting' or they tell a whole completely different versions of events. It's never ever their fault, always mine even if I'm not even there.
 
I've had a slight headache and been in a bit of a daze all day. Hopefully it doesn't turn into a full blown migraine... But the slight headache and fuzzy headed dazed feeling is often like the first phase of a migraine for me. (Well, I guess the first phase is actually hyperactivity for me... Since that usually happens the day before the foggy head day, but I didn't even know hyperactivity was a migraine symptom until recently, and that phase doesn't really bother me.) Sometimes it does just pass without going into the one sided agonizing headache stage though, so fingers crossed
 
I feel like I shouldn't be complaining about my job, because there are people in the world who struggle to work for a multiple of reasons, but I can't stand it. I'm physically and mentally exhausted after every shift. I have to rush to eat/drink because my time is crunched, and it makes me feel nauseous. I'm still having headaches and it gets worse at work. I deal with so many rude, impatient, and overall difficult customers when I'm just trying to do my job. Earlier afternoon, I had to delay my break by 40 minutes because there was so much to do (cooking, cleaning, serving) and the customers are still being ungrateful. I'm working my ass off for a minimum-wage job, and I can't foresee myself doing this forever without dropping. My coworkers left a huge mess of dishes and cleaning for me and my other coworker to do during our closing shift, so that was just wonderful. I couldn't stop thinking to myself about how much I hate it here. My work isn't too difficult, but I hate dealing with the exhaustion and stress.
 
I really want to get back into practicing and playing piano pieces but it's been so difficult for me 😞 it's something I enjoy but it also feels like a chore. probably a remnant from college. I don't feel like I'm doing it for fun anymore. but I have all of these really cool sheet music books that I've borrowed from the library, and I'm so excited at the idea of looking at them and trying to play them. I want to enjoy it but I just can't, and I don't know what to do 😭💔
 
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