What's Bothering You?

I just sent a lengthy email to my therapist explaining how worthless I feel. I never try to attract attention, but I've become such a bland and uninteresting being that it's resulted in my friends leaving me and my talents mostly going unnoticed. Like, I want to try and make cool things, but the few times I share always results in disappointment feedback-wise. I don't view external positivity the same anymore. It doesn't really make me feel better. Nowadays, it takes a lot of effort and motivation to get a genuine positive emotion out of me. I don't know who or what to blame. It's caused me to end up in an endless anxiety circle where I'm told to take the first step and do something about it, but a random negative thought will always cause me to chicken out. Every. Single. Time.

Why do I always feel like no one is giving me actual, helpful advice on how I can meet new friends? I'm literally by myself at this point. It's essentially me against the world, and everyone wants me to suffer. It doesn't help that I keep hearing about society slowly descending into madness, so who knows if there's anyone left that shows genuine sympathy for my problems. Everyone only cares about themselves, and it really does show with my lack of friends and relationships. It sucks.
 
Super annoyed right now and not going to be able to get sleep anytime soon because of my sensitivity to smoke. My parents had a fire in the backyard (because they love doing that for some reason) and the half of the house where my bedroom is strongly smells like fire. My throat has been sore for hours. It could possibly take all day for the house to air out. I was already struggling with sleep and this is the last thing I should have to deal with. I am sick of living in this stupid house.
 
I pre-booked a taxi for this morning. It was late. I waited with two 4.5 month old kittens in -7C weather for an hour. We were over a half hour late to the vet, but thankfully, they were understanding - I kept them updated via phone calls.

Sebastian has had his surgery and is awake. šŸ„³
Delta is currently having his. šŸ˜¬

I've been holding my jaw so tense for hours that it actually hurts to eat bread.
 
My sinuses are making my head feel funny still and my cough still hasnā€™t gone away, though the cough medicine has helped reduce it by a lot.

Struggling a bit with some personal stuff.

Also, more minor. I had some bad customer support again from hoyolab. I feel like in the first reply, they donā€™t really read the whole context or content I message them about since their response is different especially after I show them a screenshot contradicting what they say.

No comments or dms please.
 
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This morning, I found out that people have been spreading rumors that I made out with three different people, on three different occasions, in the school bathrooms. I don't know who they were/are saying I was doing that with, but I know that none of them were my boyfriend. Speaking of my boyfriend, the same people have been talking about us in group chats and saying we should... I think you all can fill in the rest.

I don't understand what I did to bring this on, and I don't know how and why they came up with that. I am polyamorous, but my boyfriend is well aware and fine with it. I haven't told anyone except him and a few very close friends. I'm hoping that the reason for these rumors isn't because that information got out. It is also important to mention that I'm asexual, and even the thought of making out with my boyfriend, let alone anyone else, makes me sick to my stomach.

All I've done is be openly queer, be friends with the stereotypical "weirdos", and call people out on their BS. I don't see anything wrong with that. My friends did nothing wrong, my boyfriend did nothing wrong, none of us did anything wrong. I usually laugh off their remarks and carry on, but this has gone too far. My best friend's trying to get the admin to address this, but this has been happening for months. The most that anyone's done for us is our gym teacher sending a request to switch us into another P.E. class, back when this was a simpler issue with just two girls harassing our group of four and not the majority of the student body against the whole huge friend group. That email hasn't been answered and it's only been getting worse.

I want to tell my mom, dad, or anyone in my family about this, but I don't know how much I can say without outing myself. I might talk to some trusted teachers on Monday, but I doubt anything will happen. The only good part of this is that we're all graduating this year, so my likelihood of seeing most of them again is slim.
 
Thereā€™s a reason why I avoid watching news channels completely. If something bad is talked about consistently, even if it doesnā€™t affect me, Iā€™ll start feeling anxious and suffer major mood swings. I let it affect my mood on Thursday night, and it darn near affected my mood again tonight. It usually goes away after a few days if I donā€™t hear about or see a bad topic again, but certain bad events mentioned on a consistent daily basis by pretty much everyone causes me to develop a mixed feeling of annoyance, anger, fear and sickness.

I do not want negative news to give me anxiety attacks, but unfortunately, the same things are still being indirectly mentioned by the outlets I usually turn to in order to avoid hearing about them again. I might start using my phoneā€™s personal do not disturb feature more often if this keeps up.
 
TN4U said:
- snip -
Click to expand...

I know this was yesterday, but I just wanted to say that a LOT of your posts have made deep impressions on me, whether you meant to or not. I can relate to you on a lot of things, especially with feeling bland and uninteresting and not having friendships or connections in-real-life. I only have two friends left, one of them is out-of-state and I never get to spend time with him anymore because of it, and the other only ever wants to go to sports games. A lot of other friendships I've had have petered out over time.

I just wanted to say I feel your pain and can understand it, and it makes me more sad than I already was as of writing this. I sat here crying for the past 10-15 minutes, and then started up again after reading your post again.

Believe me when I say you are absolutely not worthless. Just from reading your posts I can sense that you have a great sense of humor, you're good at expressing yourself, and you always have interesting things to talk about. If I was anywhere near where you live I wouldn't mind being your friend at all. You seem like an amazing person and I think it'll just take the right people to notice that in order for you to have new friendships/connections. In the meantime I just hope you're able to have more peace of mind in general. Thank you for being you. šŸ’š

(I know this seems like a really unprompted response, but I felt like I had to say something. Take it or leave it)
 
I'm still on edge from yesterday. Not sure why. I know my kittens are fine - they're recovering extremely well with no side effects from the anaesthesia. I brought them home 25hrs ago.

Yet I'm still so tense and have no appetite. Can't settle or concentrate on anything. So drained but can't relax or nap.
 
These thoughts that Iā€™m a bad person keep coming back. I talked about a store I used to work at being robbed on my shift. Someone in a YouTube comment told me that bad things donā€™t happen to good people. Iā€™ve also done something in the past Iā€™m not happy about and thatā€™s still in the back of my mind. I know that some others think Iā€™m not a good person.

Being thought of as a bad person by other people isnā€™t a good thing.
 
I know this is a silly little one that will never happen but I wish so badly I could delete my old posts on here. Like yeah sure I can snip them and remove the og message or whatever but its not the effect Im looking for. I want that stuff gone forever I dont ever want to remember that time in my life I want it to be like I was never here at all. Times were very difficult and sometimes I avoid logging on because theres no way for me to completely ignore that I used this website frequently while I was sick/in bad circumstances. I deleted all my old accounts from back in the day on other platforms and the platforms that didn't let me make new accounts I just quit, but TBT is the one site I held out for lol.
I've been through all of my old posts a million times and removed a number of them that make me uncomfortable but so long as I cant just delete everything from like.... pre 2020 time I frustratingly cannot get over the anxiety of it all. What a silly problem to be so deeply upset over. I guess I just cant get past the fact that Im not who I was 4 years ago and I dont ever ever ever ever want to go back or think about it or remember it in the slightest. I will do everything I can to forget what happened before I turned 18 and I think Im gonna continue that right this second and look through my posts again to remove even more stuff. Perhaps one day I wont care? Though I actually think I'd quit TBT before I stop caring.

Edit: It's a MUCH worse feeling when I see something I'd rather delete and I can't because the threads old and locked or whatever. Yeah sorry let me just go scream rq
 
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