I admit, I'm not an outdoors-y person. Don't know much about the outdoors, to be honest. But I've done my research! I totally know what I'm doing.
See, I'm wearing multiple articles of clothing with the word "outdoor" in their names. Three to be precise. It's literally in their names, so they have to be good. I'm also wearing binoculars around my neck so that I may spot both great views and great threats from afar. Also, I've seen people in movies just walk around with a leaf in their mouth? Which I don't understand, but I just grabbed this leaf from some random bush to fit in. Maybe it'll help me feel more connected to nature?
I bought the gaudiest tent with the brightest colors, which deters predators, like bears, or snakes. It's also extremely ugly, which deters ghosts. I have a fishing rod since any bears will be too intimidated by my threat display to bother me. A fish can also be used as a weapon in a pinch. And I made sure the fishing rod itself is "outdoorsy," as opposed to fishing rods meant to be used indoors. I also brought a lot of food in my cooler, and I have cookware ready to go, so hopefully I don't have to resort to eating these mushrooms growing on this log...
Lastly, I have a laptop with me, and I'm using my phone as a hotspot. I know, I know. I should be soaking in the wilderness and going off-grid. But how else am I supposed to make these posts to TBT? Or find guides on identifying poisonous plants and mushrooms? I can blast loud music to scare off any bears. Or ghosts. Or bear ghosts! Also, I'm using it to keep a journal in case this ends up being an account of my final moments.
Hopefully this doesn't double-post. The signal is just so spotty here... I'm sitting here just waving my phone around. I think it's helping?
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Credit to Aronthaer for the TBT custom design!)