Sexual Orientation & Gender Identity Support Thread

[Lady Timpani]

This probably isn’t the most helpful answer, but I’ve met LGBT just by being out there. I frequently travel and I see a lot of people that are openly and/or visibly LGBT. I’ve met coworkers who are LGBT as well. I think it’s a matter of putting yourself out there and not necessarily go looking for other LGBT people. Although, I completely understand that it’s easy to coexist with those in the community.

I get where you're coming from, but for me personally putting myself out there actually entails actively trying to meet other LGBT folks! Up until this point I haven't really been trying to do so, and I just haven't really met any LGBT people, so it seems to me that I should start trying.

Thanks for your advice, guys! I'm hopeful that things will get better with COVID in the next year or so and I'll be able to go to local meetups. For now I might try joining some LGBT forums. There was one I used as a teen but unfortunately deleted my account because I thought my parents were gonna find out lmao

 

[Croconaw]

I get where you're coming from, but for me personally putting myself out there actually entails actively trying to meet other LGBT folks! Up until this point I haven't really been trying to do so, and I just haven't really met any LGBT people, so it seems to me that I should start trying.

Thanks for your advice, guys! I'm hopeful that things will get better with COVID in the next year or so and I'll be able to go to local meetups. For now I might try joining some LGBT forums. There was one I used as a teen but unfortunately deleted my account because I thought my parents were gonna find out lmao

I hope there’s some LGBT forums that are active. It seems that forums are becoming less popular by the day. I was a member of another forum as a teen but it closed down, and another video game forum I was apart of also closed down. It sucks that everyone seems to be drifting to social media, because forums really are a safe space for most people. Social media can be extremely negative and toxic.

 

[Lady Timpani]

I hope there’s some LGBT forums that are active. It seems that forums are becoming less popular by the day. I was a member of another forum as a teen but it closed down, and another video game forum I was apart of also closed down. It sucks that everyone seems to be drifting to social media, because forums really are a safe space for most people. Social media can be extremely negative and toxic.

Yeah I've thought about joining Twitter but I left in 2016 during the US Presidential election because of how bad it was getting, and from what I understand it's just gotten worse lol. I definitely prefer the forum format!

 

[cornimer]

This is so dumb but I'm gonna post it anyway... how have you guys been able to meet fellow LGBT folks once you left school? When I was in high school I did marching band which is pretty much where I met all my gay friends, but in college I was too shy/ashamed of my sexuality to go to the on-campus LGBT group, and aside from some very visibly LGBT people in my classes I never really met any. One of my coworkers recently came out to me and even though I haven't explicitly told them I'm gay myself I've confirmed their suspicions, and I'd forgotten how nice it is to just openly exist around other LGBT people.

I was also too shy in university to seek out LGBTQ2S+ groups (or any groups for that matter). However, while I was in university both of my childhood best friends (and myself) came out as LGBTQ2S+. So now we always joke about how we unconsciously attracted each other haha.

I would love to join a group and meet more people one day though!

 

[moo_nieu]

really frustrated with everything i see online and hear about from family about gender identities and pronouns. the world isnt ending and we arent ruining society just because some people dont want to enforce gender roles on themselves. i just want to scream and say who cares how people identify as long as they are kind towards others and feel secure about themselves. im not ruining gods plan or society. i just want to be happy and be myself. im moving across the country next week and thinking of just messaging my and my s/os families and saying btw please use they/them since im nonbinary. i know his family would likely gossip and mine would send me really sad faces and messages asking why and my mom would probably cry. they would likely send me materials to change my mind.. i say this bc they already send me this stuff not knowing how i feel. they just think challenging gender norms is absolutely devastating to society or some crazy brainwashing thing.

anyways i really shouldnt have read those youtube comments when the video was just a skit making gender identity out to be stupid and demanding :c

 

[Croconaw]

really frustrated with everything i see online and hear about from family about gender identities and pronouns. the world isnt ending and we arent ruining society just because some people dont want to enforce gender roles on themselves. i just want to scream and say who cares how people identify as long as they are kind towards others and feel secure about themselves. im not ruining gods plan or society. i just want to be happy and be myself. im moving across the country next week and thinking of just messaging my and my s/os families and saying btw please use they/them since im nonbinary. i know his family would likely gossip and mine would send me really sad faces and messages asking why and my mom would probably cry. they would likely send me materials to change my mind.. i say this bc they already send me this stuff not knowing how i feel. they just think challenging gender norms is absolutely devastating to society or some crazy brainwashing thing.

anyways i really shouldnt have read those youtube comments when the video was just a skit making gender identity out to be stupid and demanding :c

Nobody is harming anyone by having a gender preference when dating or desiring certain pronouns. Honestly, who cares about gender norms? This isn’t 1950, and we are basically removed from that. People really need to mind their own business. I think free-choice should be normalized. Let people do what they want, so long as they’re not harming anyone in the process. I don’t believe being gay or non-binary is harming anybody.

I’m sorry your family hasn’t been supportive. I wouldn’t message them though. That would be just adding fuel to the fire. I’d recommend just being the bigger person. I think it’s dumb how most people who say “God’s plan” are the same people who pick and choose parts of the Bible. If you want to follow the Bible, follow the whole thing, not just parts you want.

I’m not sure of the full details of your situation, so my deepest apologies if I’m wrong, but is your family sending you things unaware they hurt your feelings? Or are they doing it completely aware of how it makes you feel? I think some people really are oblivious of how their actions affect other people and they’re really not terrible people. You said your family isn’t aware of how it makes you feel. Did you consider explaining them how it effects you? Explaining it in a way that shows how it affects you may help as opposed to telling them it upsets you or that they’re wrong. Sometimes people do just need to be enlightened.

 

[moo_nieu]

Nobody is harming anyone by having a gender preference when dating or desiring certain pronouns. Honestly, who cares about gender norms? This isn’t 1950, and we are basically removed from that. People really need to mind their own business. I think free-choice should be normalized. Let people do what they want, so long as they’re not harming anyone in the process. I don’t believe being gay or non-binary is harming anybody.

I’m sorry your family hasn’t been supportive. I wouldn’t message them though. That would be just adding fuel to the fire. I’d recommend just being the bigger person. I think it’s dumb how most people who say “God’s plan” are the same people who pick and choose parts of the Bible. If you want to follow the Bible, follow the whole thing, not just parts you want.

I’m not sure of the full details of your situation, so my deepest apologies if I’m wrong, but is your family sending you things unaware they hurt your feelings? Or are they doing it completely aware of how it makes you feel? I think some people really are oblivious of how their actions affect other people and they’re really not terrible people. You said your family isn’t aware of how it makes you feel. Did you consider explaining them how it effects you? Explaining it in a way that shows how it affects you may help as opposed to telling them it upsets you or that they’re wrong. Sometimes people do just need to be enlightened.

thanks for your message. youre right i should probably not try to make things worse by telling them how i identify. i have explained how i feel about gender neutral terms and defended it, but i havent told them that i am nonbinary. my family sort of blurts things out so they dont tell me these things to hurt me, they just say things that pop in their head and forward me "shocking" news about some gender neutral term or bathrooms or sports competitors or people who once identified as trans but then regretted it. i try not to just tell them they are wrong bc that wouldnt really do anything but it probably comes off that way with how passionate i can get trying to explain why i think these things are beneficial for individuals and society. the thing is they say some of their views are backed up by their religion so i try to be respectful of that and cant really do much except say i dont want to continue the conversation or try to lean on the aspects of their beliefs that speak of loving others.

idk im just sick of hearing so much negativity about it from family and online. i dont get why people want to protect binary gender so much and im sick of hiding and hearing the wrong pronouns. i really dont want to be pushy or impatient though so i try not to correct people except maybe every once in a while as a gentle reminder prefacing with "im not mad".

idk theres not really much of a solution here unless i come out but i should probably do that when i am comfortable and not because im upset. i just want to live my life tbh i wish it wasnt a big deal how i feel. im just a person. honestly i think the only true solution is to find security in myself and let go of my attachment to wanting my family to love and be proud of me. im just a sensitive person so i find it hard to ignore that kind of negativity, but i guess i need to figure out a way or else ill keep struggling

 

[Envy]

This is so dumb but I'm gonna post it anyway... how have you guys been able to meet fellow LGBT folks once you left school? When I was in high school I did marching band which is pretty much where I met all my gay friends, but in college I was too shy/ashamed of my sexuality to go to the on-campus LGBT group, and aside from some very visibly LGBT people in my classes I never really met any. One of my coworkers recently came out to me and even though I haven't explicitly told them I'm gay myself I've confirmed their suspicions, and I'd forgotten how nice it is to just openly exist around other LGBT people.

You were able to meet other gay people in marching band in high school? I guess you must be younger than me. (but if not, wow). These things just weren't talked about back then (in the mid-2000s). They were just rumors whispered around. Ugh.

But the funny thing is that now a good 90% of my closer friend circle is LGBT+ in some way. This includes old friends all of the way from back in high school/marching band. I didn't work to make it happen this way for the most part, most of them I met for separate reasons and then they came out later. They say we subconsciously group together, and it looks like that is what happened with me.

 

[leximo]

This is so dumb but I'm gonna post it anyway... how have you guys been able to meet fellow LGBT folks once you left school? When I was in high school I did marching band which is pretty much where I met all my gay friends, but in college I was too shy/ashamed of my sexuality to go to the on-campus LGBT group, and aside from some very visibly LGBT people in my classes I never really met any. One of my coworkers recently came out to me and even though I haven't explicitly told them I'm gay myself I've confirmed their suspicions, and I'd forgotten how nice it is to just openly exist around other LGBT people.

See, it was different for me. Only a very few of my close friends knew I was a lesbian in High School and I suppose I never properly came out and was comfortable with everyone knowing my sexuality until I left school and started working. I think the pressure purely comes from ourselves trying to hide our sexuality and I know not everyone has an easy ride with it, but the majority of people probably really won't give a damn you're gay, you know? I just openly talk about my girlfriend to my colleagues at work and I work in a call centre so it's a mixed bag of people anyways so I'm friends with quite a few other people apart of the LGBT.

 

[-Lumi-]

I just want to vent for a minute and since this is a support thread hopefully it’s okay to vent here.

I was just on Facebook (I know, I know. But it’s how I keep up with family and some friends who are far away) and my dad liked a post. Some stupid thing about how, “man I feel bad for parents nowadays who have to explain the birds and the bees for the different sexualities and such” it was really dumb.

He commented saying that this whole “gay and transgender thing” is the result of a liberal brainwashing experiment. I just. What?

I thought he was getting a little better with acceptance but I guess not.

 

[Shellzilla_515]

I just want to vent for a minute and since this is a support thread hopefully it’s okay to vent here.

I was just on Facebook (I know, I know. But it’s how I keep up with family and some friends who are far away) and my dad liked a post. Some stupid thing about how, “man I feel bad for parents nowadays who have to explain the birds and the bees for the different sexualities and such” it was really dumb.

He commented saying that this whole “gay and transgender thing” is the result of a liberal brainwashing experiment. I just. What?

I thought he was getting a little better with acceptance but I guess not.

This is always tough to hear. My dad also has a thing or two against the LGBTQ+ community for some reason and brings this up a fair amount of times when eating breakfast, lunch, or dinner. I don't want to hear those conversations every time I eat cause it'll only make me mad on the inside. Like c'mon, people just want to be respected for who they are and live their lives like normal. It doesn't help when he keeps repeating the same things over and over again as if it makes his views justifiable. I've also been noticing for quite a while that my dad has been listening to podcasts or whatnot that fits his perspective. And with vaccines too but that's another story.

So long as we respect one another, I'm totally fine interacting with not just the LGBTQ+ community, but with anyone else as well. There's no need to get your pants in a twist just because they have a different sexual orientation and gender identity. My gut feeling tells me that having a better understanding will help eradicate the hate. And if your dad has an open mind to do that, I think things would end on a more positive note. Sorry to hear that, Lumi. Feel free to talk to anyone of us if you're feeling down.

I really hope my post doesn't come off as disingenuous or something like that. I didn't want to just stand there and do nothing.

 

[Lady Timpani]

You were able to meet other gay people in marching band in high school? I guess you must be younger than me. (but if not, wow). These things just weren't talked about back then (in the mid-2000s). They were just rumors whispered around. Ugh.

But the funny thing is that now a good 90% of my closer friend circle is LGBT+ in some way. This includes old friends all of the way from back in high school/marching band. I didn't work to make it happen this way for the most part, most of them I met for separate reasons and then they came out later. They say we subconsciously group together, and it looks like that is what happened with me.

I was in high school from 2011-2015, so yeah, a bit of an age difference between us! My school as a whole wasn't the greatest when it came to LGBT students, but we did have a GSA after my junior year, and all of us gay kids were able to find each other and stick together, for the most part.

Spoiler: this is kind of a tangent but tw for homophobia and bullying I guess

But yeah my friend was bullied in middle school for going into a room with his boyfriend (people spread rumors about what exactly they were doing in there alone), and before I had ever even come out in eighth grade I guess I gave off vibes, or these girls just didn't like me and decided the most harmful thing they could do was tell people I was gay, because they would make comments about me going into the bathroom with my best friend, and what we were doing in there together (using the bathroom!), and yell "there goes the gay!"... a lot of it was pretty dumb and juvenile looking back, but when you're 13 it sucks lol.

 

[Croconaw]

I put this in a spoiler as there’s mentions of strong homophobia, but I wanted to share my experience when I was in high school. I think this is why it’s important to be accepting of everyone if you’re going to be in a position of power…

Spoiler: tw: mentions of strong homophobia

I’ve graduated from high school but I had a strong gut feeling the school therapist was homophobic. First, we had this prom coming up, and I expressed to her that I didn’t want to go multiple times after her constantly bringing it up. She told me that if I didn’t go, then someone else wouldn’t get to go and that should make me feel bad. I told her I’d feel uncomfortable wearing a dress, and when I showed up to the prom wearing a suit, she said it wasn’t gender appropriate and made me change immediately into this purple dress.

She got several bad reviews from parents and she was moved to a different school for a change of scenery, but honestly, I don’t think she was at all qualified to be a therapist. I don’t know what happened to her since being transferred, but I’d be surprised if she still has a counseling job at this point. This is very unacceptable, in my opinion.

 

[Chris]

I posted in here previously about legally changing my name and title in June. Today I received this gift from my parents. They said they wanted to do something to show their support.

Spoiler: worn

I dropped my birth name 10+ years ago (and hadn't gone by it for a good 6-7 years before that) and they were never cooperative with me on it - which is why it took so long for me to take the steps to legally change it. This time I didn't even tell them what I was changing my name, or what to, before the paperwork was already in progress - so I'm amazed at the quick effort they have made to adjust. Kind of sucks that I had to go the legal route before they respected the decision, but it's progress and this was such a lovely way of showing it.

Also, I got hollered at by drunks for kissing someone outside a pub the other week. Doubt that would have happened if we were straight.

 

[Metal Scorpion]

Lately I've been having trouble understanding my sexual orientation. I'm somewhere between grey-ace and ace, and unsure if I'm demi, bi or panromantic. It's so confusing that I don't understand where exactly I am.

 

[Croconaw]

Lately I've been having trouble understanding my sexual orientation. I'm somewhere between grey-ace and ace, and unsure if I'm demi, bi or panromantic. It's so confusing that I don't understand where exactly I am.

Hi there! Don’t feel like you need to put a label on yourself. It’s difficult not knowing exactly where you fall, but remember, sexuality is a spectrum. It doesn’t make your feelings any more or less valid. It’s definitely okay if your label changes over the years. You are not limited to just one label and you’re forced to stick with it. It doesn’t work like that. There was a point in time where I identified as a lesbian, but I don’t think that’s me. It was a learning experience. If a term you identify with doesn’t seem right anymore, there’s no problem changing. Eventually, you’ll find a term that suits you and one you are happy with. There’s no rush.

 

[Metal Scorpion]

I agree - it's good to know that sexuality is a spectrum, and also good to know that once a label doesn't fit anymore, you can easily find one that fits. It's good that I'm re-learning things because I have a feeling mine has changed over the years recently. The problem is my habit of rushing decisions, which makes it more difficult.

 

[xSuperMario64x]

I have a minor problem and I would like some advice.

so as stated in my signature, my pronouns are they/them and he/him. I'm okay with either. what I'm not okay with, however, is when people refer to me as she/her. my problem is that even though I'm androgynous-presenting I've only been referred to by my preferred pronouns once or twice in public in the last two months. basically everyone calls me she/her, mostly people who don't know me but even my parents do it (still). as of now I haven't made a big deal about it cause, hey, the people referring to me as she/her don't know me and they're just politely assuming.
but I wish there was a way to get people to be more inclined to use my preferred pronouns. I have pronoun pins but idk if that kind of thing is necessarily appropriate to wear all the time. would it be rude or awkward if i corrected them and told them I'm not a girl? I know it's really difficult for me to make it happen naturally because even though I have short hair and often wear masculine clothes, I still have a relatively high voice and a more rounded feminine face, as well as stud earrings (though I personally don't see that as a strictly feminine thing). there's a reason why I don't explicitly identify as a trans-man, it's because I'm non-binary, I'm not a "guy" per se. but me trying to be myself just leads to people assuming I'm a girl and calling me by the wrong pronouns.

I actually have another smaller thing I would like advice for. I would like to start "cracking down" on my parents regarding using the proper name and pronouns. my dad;s made a big to-do abt it because my dead name, which he gave me, was his great grandmother's name. the name I go by now is the one my mom originally gave me so she's had no issue with it. however I get really frustrated every time my dad calls me by my dead name. he and my mom also still have a habit of referring to me as she/her around people in public, which makes things complicated bc I've been introducing myself to new people as he/him and if my parents talk to them and refer to me the wrong way things could get awkward fast. I'm thinking specifically of, if at any point, my dad talks to the director of the symphony I will soon intern for and refers to me as she/her whereas the director knows me as he/him.
what should I do to get them to say the right name and pronouns in public? maybe I should tell them to just not talk about me? should I correct them? should I ignore them if they use my dead name? I have no clue how to deal w this without them seeing me as rude (which they love to do).

 

[daringred_]

I have a minor problem and I would like some advice.

so as stated in my signature, my pronouns are they/them and he/him. I'm okay with either. what I'm not okay with, however, is when people refer to me as she/her. my problem is that even though I'm androgynous-presenting I've only been referred to by my preferred pronouns once or twice in public in the last two months. basically everyone calls me she/her, mostly people who don't know me but even my parents do it (still). as of now I haven't made a big deal about it cause, hey, the people referring to me as she/her don't know me and they're just politely assuming.
but I wish there was a way to get people to be more inclined to use my preferred pronouns. I have pronoun pins but idk if that kind of thing is necessarily appropriate to wear all the time. would it be rude or awkward if i corrected them and told them I'm not a girl? I know it's really difficult for me to make it happen naturally because even though I have short hair and often wear masculine clothes, I still have a relatively high voice and a more rounded feminine face, as well as stud earrings (though I personally don't see that as a strictly feminine thing). there's a reason why I don't explicitly identify as a trans-man, it's because I'm non-binary, I'm not a "guy" per se. but me trying to be myself just leads to people assuming I'm a girl and calling me by the wrong pronouns.

I actually have another smaller thing I would like advice for. I would like to start "cracking down" on my parents regarding using the proper name and pronouns. my dad;s made a big to-do abt it because my dead name, which he gave me, was his great grandmother's name. the name I go by now is the one my mom originally gave me so she's had no issue with it. however I get really frustrated every time my dad calls me by my dead name. he and my mom also still have a habit of referring to me as she/her around people in public, which makes things complicated bc I've been introducing myself to new people as he/him and if my parents talk to them and refer to me the wrong way things could get awkward fast. I'm thinking specifically of, if at any point, my dad talks to the director of the symphony I will soon intern for and refers to me as she/her whereas the director knows me as he/him.
what should I do to get them to say the right name and pronouns in public? maybe I should tell them to just not talk about me? should I correct them? should I ignore them if they use my dead name? I have no clue how to deal w this without them seeing me as rude (which they love to do).

hey, i know this isn't really the same situation, but a few years ago when i first started seeing my girlfriend, my nan all but refused to refer to her as such. it was always, "when will you see your friend again?" "how's your friend doing?" "did you have a nice time with your friend?" every time, i would deliberately and pointedly reply with an emphasis on "my girlfriend". eventually, i think she got the hint because she hasn't done it since those first few months. i know it's hard, but sometimes clear defiance and being 'rude' is the only way to go about it, especially if asking nicely/politely repeatedly hasn't worked in the past. we as a community didn't get to where we are strictly through peaceful protests and asking nicely after all. although please only do this if your environment is safe. i know that's probably common sense, but i feel like i should say it anyway. if they refer to you by your dead-name or the wrong pronouns, ignore them. if they call you rude, point out how it's rude to refer to you as someone you're not. if they do the same when talking about you to other people, openly correct them to that person. they're less likely to make a fuss about it in front of others. (at least in my experience.) if there's anyone in your life that openly supports you, encourage them to respond the same way because that might help reinforce the idea that their behavior is unacceptable. that being said, your safety should always be top priority. if you're going to be punished for being defiant or at risk of being kicked out etc. it's probably just best to grin and bear it until you're in a position where you won't be effected by those repercussions. idk if any of this helps but, yeah. good luck, and keep your head up!

 

[tomatospooks666]

I actually have another smaller thing I would like advice for. I would like to start "cracking down" on my parents regarding using the proper name and pronouns. my dad;s made a big to-do abt it because my dead name, which he gave me, was his great grandmother's name. the name I go by now is the one my mom originally gave me so she's had no issue with it. however I get really frustrated every time my dad calls me by my dead name. he and my mom also still have a habit of referring to me as she/her around people in public, which makes things complicated bc I've been introducing myself to new people as he/him and if my parents talk to them and refer to me the wrong way things could get awkward fast. I'm thinking specifically of, if at any point, my dad talks to the director of the symphony I will soon intern for and refers to me as she/her whereas the director knows me as he/him.
what should I do to get them to say the right name and pronouns in public? maybe I should tell them to just not talk about me? should I correct them? should I ignore them if they use my dead name? I have no clue how to deal w this without them seeing me as rude (which they love to do).

honestly, forget trying to be polite about this. the way i got my parents to stop misgendering me was to stick with my guns and keep correcting and correcting even when they felt the need to argue and get ****ty about it. i made it clear that i wasn't going to just sit quietly while they misgendered me and eventually they realized i wasn't backing down about it and now use my correct pronouns and name most of the time.

in terms of what to do, just keep correcting them everytime it happens. in public, in private, anytime you notice misgendering happens correct it. and if you can, def try ignoring them if they insist on reffering to you incorrectly. hope for the best!