What's Bothering You?

so I've been cleaning and reorganizing and keeping myself very busy for the last 3-4 days. I know it's something that needed to be done, but truthfully, cleaning is something that I do compulsively when I'm stressed. and because of that, because I've cleaned so much over the last few days, now I'm feeling really tired and kind of lethargic (I was already kinda starting to feel that way yesterday).

my problem is that my OCD mind doesn't know when to catch a break. I'm feeling exhausted and I really think I need to take a day to relax, but I also have that itch to go and scrub tiles and mop floors and go through the hoard of food that's gone bad in the kitchen fridge. like I can't relax knowing that this stuff needs to be done, but I really need to take a break for at least a day. it's that incessant feeling of guilt.

I guess part of me is also worried that I might lose my steam if I stop, then I won't be able to get myself to clean at all. maybe I can do a little bit today, like just wash the dishes and clean the hall bathroom sink and that's it. but I need to be careful to not let it turn into a 4-hour episode of me deep cleaning.

perhaps today would be a good day for some affirmations.
 
I feel strangely tense and bothered today and I can't even explain why. though at this point it's feeling like an everyday thing so maybe it's just part of my being, I dunno 🥲

edit: I think I'm feeling really overstimulated, which is a nightmare for ADHDers because we're perpetually understimulated. I closed my window to darken my room, and I've been watching yt videos this morning but periodically pausing them to give myself a stimulus break. if I didn't have to leave for work on an hour I'd lie down and maybe play a GBA game with the sound off. hopefully the drive to work isn't too overstimulating for me.
 
perhaps i’m being silly but i’m quite upset that i missed the mario kart i was scheduled to do. i have been getting all emo about not having a chance to play online, only to find out i just did not get notified when i was pinged for a round. i’ve obsessively looked through my notifications but there’s nothing, and now i feel silly for not having checked the post myself. honestly though, i wouldn’t have thought to do that unless something with a ping went wrong first. i’m super frustrated at myself.

i just don’t want to be an inadvertent let down for my team.
i’m going to go make a poke bowl, shiny hunt and pretend i am normal
 
Feeling depressed; my best friend still hasn’t said happy birthday to me. I know he’s busy but it still hurts.

Also a little worried I’m not going to be able to get the collectibles I want from the event. I feel like I’ve been participating a lot but looking at others’ points and mine I’m worrying it won’t be enough. I still have sessions planned but idk if it will be enough. I didn’t sign up for every day possible in case more splatoon sessions were announced. I don’t want to miss them. Feeling a bit overwhelmed too, managing my schedule. Frustrated with the salmon run part. I got close to 25 eggs yesterday but not enough still. I can usually only get 16 the most and the rare occasion 20. I don’t know how people are getting over 25 eggs.

I feel bad too for not submitting anything for banner or emojis to my team or chatting a lot. I’ve been having a lot of fun but mt depression is hampering my mood and I just feel kinda awkward and don’t know what to say. No ideas either what I’d want our flag to look like or emojis.

Still kinda feeling embarrassed yesterday when I shared my old cheers (I ended up removing them) and self conscious about a lot.
 
Bruh. I thought I was lucky when I did not get a migraine yesterday. Not one throughout the entire day! I was so happy! Especially after having one a day for 5 days in a row.. I was like 'gee! I really lucked out!' and now I'm starting to get migraine symptoms AGAIN.. sigh T^T

I wish my family doctor took me seriously when I tell him how many I get. They aren't as bad as they used to be, nor as often, since I quit my job.. but with the weather changing so much and how high the pollen rates are.. I can't catch a break this week..
 
feeling really bothered by something but I probably won't be able to resolve it until later today :,,,,)

also feeling bad bc I haven't been able to draw consistently, like, at all this year. I've started so many drawings, but I never have the motivation to actually finish them, and I also seemingly can't draw without feeling guilty that I'm not doing other things. not to mention, I've had a commission that I've been needing to work on for over two months now and like, I haven't worked on it?? I don't know why I keep thinking I can take commissions from people because I really can't, I feel so bad about it. 😭 I wish I could just draw like other normal artists on here and actually take commissions and get something out of my work; or better yet, I wish that I could actually start and finish the ideas that I have. 😞

oh, and I have a very special drawing that I'm working on, but I'm not happy with any of the brush tools that Clip Studio Paint comes with, so I've been looking through CS Assets to find a new one and that's proven to be in vain so far. it's very annoying, I've been wanting to finish this drawing for like a week and it's been halted because I want to make this drawing the best it can be and I don't have the right tool to do that.
 
got a call about the job I applied for and... of course I didn't get it. they didn't even give me an interview, just said "sorry we went with another candidate". like you couldn't even give me a chance?

I can apply to other places but I already have to drive 40 minutes to and from work every day. if I applied to one of the other libraries in the consortium I'd probably have to drive an hour or more. add that on top of working a full 8-hour day. that's ridiculous.

I guess this wasn't my calling, and it's okay. but my sensitive autistic *** had to cry about it for a bit anyway. it's all good. 🫠
 
on my way to pick up my parents because our camry died on the way back which means my first car is a goner!!! both of our cars are really old (1998 and 2002) so they always have issues and it was bound to happen but man!!!!! i’m still sad about it
 
My parents straight-up told me "you need help". Not in a mean way, obviously, but I think they're disheartened by the fact that I don't seem to be getting better. I didn't have the heart to tell them that I was seeing someone, but I haven't been able to see my psychologists for weeks. At that point, I just feel like that there's no help for me and that all my attempts of bettering myself are useless...

Thankfully, my social worker is still there. My 'task' is to write a letter to my mom, about the things I wanted to say to her, then read it with my social worker and burn it afterwards. I guess it's a form of letting go. It just reminded me of something I thought of last year; I planned to visit my mom as an adult and have a serious talk about... Everything. But now it's too late, and I'm just sad that I never got to have that talk with her. I think it would've been good for both of us, but that chance has slipped away.

This is some pretty heavy stuff, so... Sorry. I don't know what to do anymore. I'm not doing well, and I'm not getting better. I feel absolutely hopeless about my entire ****ing life. I've been told my adults that, "you have your whole life ahead of you!", but... It doesn't feel that way. I don't know.
 
I started to gag during my partners award ceremony so I'm sitting outside trying to get some air. Idk why this keeps happening all month. I'm on a list for a new family doctor so hopefully it doesn't take months. I wasn't feeling good on the way over here but I was trying to ignore it cause it's a special day for my partner. At least I got to see them accept their award and then I got up and left which is probably rude to the other people receiving awards but oh well.
 
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