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What's Bothering You?

I can't ****ing take it anymore. That's all I have to say, really. Everyone's telling me, "it's gonna get better", but it's not. I feel hopeless as ever, and I don't think my mental health is ever gonna improve. And sorry for posting so soon. I think I'm in the middle of a crisis, or something. I don't know what to do with myself.

I feel like I have no one to talk to. My friends become worried or uncomfortable when I vent. My psychologist isn't even there. I don't even want to know how my family would react if they knew I was in this much emotional turmoil. I hate feeling so isolated and alone and I just want to get better.
 
I just woke up from a pretty scary dream and I’m still feeling miserable. After the hide and seek session, I just broke down and cried. I was still hurt because my best friend didn’t wish me a happy belated birthday, and feeling hurt about something else that I thought I had moved on from for the most part. I’m starting to think too that I’m more stressed from the event than I realize. I was happy earlier seeing I’m halfway to being able to get a collectible but at the same time, bummed how long it took me to get just halfway.

Also thinking about my game cartridges again. I really hope I can find them and that my ex didn’t sell them.

I want to play my pokemon violet but I’m feeling so overwhelmed (seeing mass outbreaks on my map but not sure how to reach them, and also all the icons on ny map isn’t help. i don’t know what some of the icons even mean), mostly because I’m stressed and also just not feeling good enough to play.
 
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I believe the Sonichu medallion is cursed based on a couple of youtube creators receiving one then going down a bit of a self destructive path. One is idubbz.
 
I woke up bright an early today, having a lot of energy and feeling enthusiastic and watching funny videos and laughing a lot, and I thought it was all fine and dandy until I realized... I'm dealing with another manic episode. 🫠

but I have to give myself credit, because this time around I actually identified it early on. sometimes I go through this for weeks and I don't know what is wrong with me and I feel like an awful person, but then once I come down from mania I realize that those things I was feeling—panic, fear, urgency, anxiety, extreme enthusiasm and energy—are all symptoms of mania for me. if I can't identify it while it's happening then I don't know how to help myself, but now that I have identified it early on, I can take steps to make sure that I don't make it worse, much like how you can't get rid of depression but you can do some basic self-care stuff to make it more bearable.
I started my morning with a lot of stimulation, but I think for the rest of today I'm gonna maintain low auditory stimulation (white noise and videos on low volume), low visual stimulation (keeping window curtains mostly but not entirely closed, dark computer screens), and I'll try to keep other stimulation at a minimum. I'll also try to not let my anxious and panicky thoughts run rampant.

sometimes I think about going through my whole life as a mentally ill person, and it just... it sucks so much. but I'm thankful to have some really amazing people who love me just for who I am, and even though it can be hard for me to love myself when I'm manic (or depressed), I do and I always will. 🥺💗


also random but it blows my mind that some people choose to not be treated for bipolar and they deal with depression so they can have the added "benefit" of dealing with mania. like I get that it gives you a lot of energy and enthusiasm but like, what's the real benefit? I'm almost always miserable when I'm manic. I'd rather be treated for it and not deal with either depression or mania. I wish I had a medication I could take for mania. 🥲
 
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When I was a kid I had a dog called Ruskie. Everyone was scared of her and quite rude to her and my mum saying “she shouldn’t be near kids, she looks violent!” but I loved her. She died when she was still a puppy, I think of her all the time. She was just a baby.
 
i have to meet my friend's friend today (for the 2nd time ever and i barely even said hi the first time as it was a large party) without my friend being there as a buffer and i'm feeling very socially anxious, i'm sure it will be fine but i've been nervous for her arriving for the last hour or sooooo
 
I’m so exhausted, and I’m so unbelievably frustrated by it. I shouldn’t feel this exhausted and fatigued all of the time. It’s not even exhaustion that I can power through or that stimulation or caffeine can ebb away. It’s just there, all of the ****ing time. I can barely focus. I keep zoning out. I can’t even get my eyes to focus half the time I’m so exhausted. I have so much I need and want to do, and I can barely do any of it. I’m so exhausted. I hate that I have to rest and prepare in advance for outings or anything social or anything ever because it all just takes so much out of me. I have so much exciting stuff in the next couple weeks and I hate that I’m dreading it as much as I’m excited because I know it’s going to exhaust me for pretty much the entirety of June. I hate that I can barely type any of this out because I’m so ****ing tired. I’m so tired I’m so tired I’M TIRED.

My friend/ex bf is waiting for me to respond to him and I just don’t want to talk to him. I don’t want to talk to him, and I hate that because he used to be my person. He used to be the one person I always wanted to talk to, and now I’m just so sad and angry.

I’m having a lot of fun with tbtwc, but there’s a part of me that can’t wait for it to be over. I’m just so tired lol
 
I slept in and missed all the sessions this morning :/ I'm so annoyed at myself, I had so much I needed to do this morning, and I have to leave earlier because of something irl, so I've had to cancel/move something else. I know I've probably been driving myself too hard, I've been getting like 3-5 hours of sleep, but I'm just so annoyed and exhausted 😭
 
prob gonna have to tell my friend tomorrow that I don't feel well enough to hang out, I just need some personal time. but I feel bad bc she and I don't get to hang out much, and this is one of the few times when she doesn't have to worry about her two kids.

but this evening she asked me to go somewhere with her, and just like yesterday when I had to make a nearly three hour trip to rescue my dad after the SUV's transmission pooped out, I had no idea how long this would take. we ended up being gone for like an hour and a half this evening, and I was half asleep for most of it bc my bedtime is usually 10pm. I'm so exhausted, so tired of going places. I just want to sit at home in peace and solitude.

I guess I'll see how I feel tomorrow.

idk I just feel tired and annoyed now honestly, feel like I might cry and I kinda hate that. 😞
 
This year has been really awful and I rarely get a break from it. Definitely not getting one tonight because there's a tornado watch to raise my anxiety. Last night was very emotional (too complicated to explain) and now I'm dealing with this.

Update: Had to go hide in the basement because it turned into a tornado warning.
 
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Just work
work, work, work, how I dispise it. Dunno what I am even doing anymore.
I'm sorry I came from one coffee shop that was so gawd awful, that I don't understand how to actually work properly. And now I am at another coffee shop and I don't want to work there anymore.
Never did.
I'm only here, so I can get money to live.
Feel like I'm gonna have emotional/mental breakdown.

Maybe if I had a contract here, it would#ve been better? Boss spoke to me today about not doing certain things, but she wouldn't let me get a note and pen because that's easier for me to remember what she says. But nope. So, as I am trying to sit straight, communicate well, all her words go outta my head.

I cant hear her well, and Im awful at confrontation.

Thought I was doing enough? What is even enough anymore?

My mum says I should just leave if its too much, but then what? Wait till Universal credit decide to put me back on their books, but then I dunno whats gonna happen about the debt my older shop got me into with Universal credit, wuld they remove that from the monthly money they give me?
And then, they just want me to apply for anything, even though I sure as HECK i am not doing coffee and food anymore. I-I just cant handle that stuff anymore.

I don't want to have a breakdown at work but im so so close

And there's not really anyone I can talk to.
I have my mum, but no one really else? Can't tell my sister, I rarely hear from my friend anymore, I dunno if its because hes busy but I feel guilty if there was anything that i have done/havent done?

I don't know my bext move. Feel like I've been skipped and ignored for so long.

Im trying to breathe, im trying to calm
i think writing here helps a lil bit.
 
Chris said:
Why is it that you don't have a contract?
Click to expand...
She said at first she was going to give me a contract, but I asked recently beforehand and she said once she has time to do one. There's only one person who has a contract working there, and he only works for two days?
 
I'm not gonna lie, every time I think about the TBTWC it makes me feel so stressed and overwhelmed. thinking about even doing cheers causes me stress. I think it's the competitive nature of the event, I'm not trying to be competitive but I'm extra sensitive rn (bc mania yay) and just being in the atmosphere of competitiveness almost kinda ruins the fun for me. ofc that's no one's problem but my own, but it still sucks. another TBTWC goes by without much participation from me, I guess it's just not the right kind of event for me. 😔
 
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