What's Bothering You?

I was feeling a little better than I was earlier but I’m just really sad now. Part of me is scared that I’m never going to hear from my best friend again, and the other part of me doesn’t want to hear from him yet since I know I’m just going to cry and get more sad and depressed that things has changed and that he can’t talk to me much anymore. I wish things could go back to s they used to be or I could have been different and someone more likable to him :/.

Sorry for posting again.
 
For the past few weeks, several companies that my Mum had dealt with have been phoning and asking to speak to her. I go silent for a few seconds nearly saying 'Mum, it's for you.' Then it dawns on me. 😢 All the important places know, but for instance when the opticians phone to remind her about an eye test, I say 'Sorry, she's not available at the minute. Can I take a message?'. I cannot bear to say those words even over 1 year and 10 months since my heart broke. If I have to, I find it really difficult and recently I can't get the image out of my head of her lying in that hospital bed, especially since I had to attend the same hospital last week for an Ultrasound.
 
I'm so cold this morning 😞 and I feel a little silly because I have a comforter which I can't comfortably use anymore because I associate it with when I was struggling really bad with depression, but like, it would keep me from being cold at this moment hdjfbsgdjfjdjdv
 
Some of you may know that for many years my brother and I didn't get on well at all. However, last September my Dad told him that if he didn't start being nicer to me he would need to leave. All I wanted was him not to shout, not to call me every name under the sun and throw things and shout when he got up into his room. Remember that he's 43! Even to the extent my Dad made him book a viewing for a flat. Everything had been going well, until this evening. I asked him a simple question in a nice manner, as I believe if you want to be treated with respect treat others with it. However, he started giving me abuse and shouting at me again. 😒 I asked him in front of my Dad as before my brother has said I've antagonized him and that's why he's shouted at me. Thankfully, without even asking my Dad stepped in and told him he's a step closer to leaving again. I don't want him to leave, but I can't cope with walking on eggshells again with him.
UPDATE: He's just brought his dishes for me to clean and my Dad had dropped a cooling pad he's got for his hip. Instead of waiting and letting me pick it up, he just kicked it across the hall. What an idiot. 😩
 
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I've waited till I calmed down a bit to post, but I'm still feeling like crap. I had another breakdown in front of my family, this time with my grandma included. It was for a pretty trivial reason, too; My grandma started asking me questions about college. I felt a little pressured, but I would've been fine if my step-mom wasn't making rude comments every time I said something. ("You're lying/making excuses", "that's why you've been doing nothing all summer", "thanks for wasting my time and money", etc.)

I guess telling my family that I wasn't going to college this semester was a shock. It's also the first time I told them how I truly felt, that I only applied because I felt pressured to by them/my school even though I wasn't ready. Now I'm scared that I disappointed my family and that they won't ever be proud of me. There was so much more I wanted to say, but I bit my tongue; Not like they ever cared to listen or understand.

I wish I wasn't so ****ing sensitive. I hate my emotional vulnerability.
 
I have a teacher who swears quite a lot. And the worst part is that I have her in my first period.

As some of you know swearing makes me uncomfortable, so I was a little shocked when I heard her speak during my first day back at school not too long ago.

I decided to talk to her about that, but then she was like, "Well sorry but you can't control other people's actions, just how you react to them." Unfortunately, what she said was pretty much the truth.

I have a case manager, thankfully, so he's going to be talking to her about this issue. I hope it gets resolved quickly because he told me she's a reasonable person (a statement I'm still questioning).
 
-My psych meds are giving me confused thoughts. At least that was the conclusion me and my dad thinks.
-My mom's side of the family are so distant to me because of mom herself being...herself UGH!
-My mentor is getting under my skin with his decisions and his actions. I don't want to be near him anymore. I just don't.

Can I cry now?
 
At what point can I stick up for myself and not be seen as 'not an adult'?

At this point, I just feel unlikable because in one day:
- I am told to bag for a few minutes but I'm immediately told off by the other one saying to get back to my register to ring out (which had nothing to do with the task I was assigned to by the other manager).
- Once being told I was indeed supposed to be bagging, she tells me to do so in a frustrated tone (probably upset that she was wrong).
- I bring a damaged item to a cart and hand it to the person next to her, saying that it's damaged and one of the soda cans is leaking. She decides to put in her two cents despite me not talking to her. "We know it's leaking, we can see it" in a very sarcastic tone.
- She makes sarcastic comments, like "why am I here" or "I know you didn't know what you were doing" when I have to call for help at a register. There are some things you need a manager for like a coupon override or a price check.

I think it's a miracle I lasted five hours of the day, and I'm sure you can guess what happened.

I called her a *****, because a manager shouldn't be acting like that. And low-key think she got her title due to seniority because that's a thing at that job where you're everything if you've been there for 10+ years, and otherwise you're dog ****.

I got sent home in the middle of my shift. Being treated like I'm nothing isn't worth $12 an hour. When jobs value seniority they end up with *******s like that as management.

I knew going back there was a terrible idea, because I'm right back where I started. I tried for five hours, but there's a point that I have to defend myself. I shouldn't have to be talked down on just to earn a paycheck.

If being an adult means not being able to defend yourself from *******s, I don't want to be an adult.

I can't wait to get in at my new job in less than two weeks, without any *******s because I know everyone. It's family-owned and there's only like 8 employees, one of them being my mom.
 
Some random guy in his underwear decided to run around in the super busy road so I ran after him. Luckily the cars stopped and I held his hand and brought him over to the side walk. He was high and gross and I really didn't wanna touch him but it was like a split second decision. It's like he had no idea what was going on. Then he decided to bend my hand back as hard as he could but thank god the police showed up and I let them deal with him. Now I'm home and I washed my hands a bunch of times and changed all my clothes. My hand feels okay now but the image of him in his tighty whiteys shall be burned into my mind forever lmao
 
I’m doing better than I was earlier, ofc, i had to message my friend now because i didn’t hear back from yet. i’m so scared he doesn’t want to be friends with me anymore. I’m trying not to think anything else right now or expect to hear from him, but it’s hard. he really meant everything to me and hearing from him less and less is just hurting me so much.

Minor: I messed up my attachment to an entry; the attachment can be viewed still though. I hope there won’t be problems with my entry.
 
Suguri said:
I have a teacher who swears quite a lot. And the worst part is that I have her in my first period.

As some of you know swearing makes me uncomfortable, so I was a little shocked when I heard her speak during my first day back at school not too long ago.

I decided to talk to her about that, but then she was like, "Well sorry but you can't control other people's actions, just how you react to them." Unfortunately, what she said was pretty much the truth.

I have a case manager, thankfully, so he's going to be talking to her about this issue. I hope it gets resolved quickly because he told me she's a reasonable person (a statement I'm still questioning).
Click to expand...

That sounds ridiculous coming from a teacher.

I'm not a teacher, but even with my limited knowledge as a young adult, I know you can control your own actions and extend basic courtesy to others. There are some instances in which boundaries need to be established and being told 'you can't control my actions' is a very toxic and entitled attitude to have.

Personally relating it: My older cousin always texts while driving. I'm constantly telling him to put the phone down. It's true that I can't control his actions, but it's courteous for him to listen because he's endangering others and quite honestly making me uncomfortable by having his eyes off the road.

Should I just change how I react and accept his behavior? That could cost me my life. I've already given up with my aunt who will just shout when told anything she doesn't like.
 
I'm starting to think that my stepmom is sick of me and wants me out of the house ASAP. Every time I ask her for help (especially for things like my clinic appointment), she has to get all pissy about it before telling me to do it myself. It's already sparked a few arguments with my parents. I can't tell if my feelings are justified or if I'm just overreacting. I trust her in telling her these things and asking for help (something I tend to NOT do), and I'm left hurt instead.
 
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