today was a bad day. my mother is sick. she’s losing so much blood and can’t keep any food or liquids down and has lost over 100 pounds since this all started. the loss of blood and lack of nutrition is terrifying. i don’t want this to be about me but i am so afraid. i’m so angry. not because she’s sick but because she has been fighting ya tooth and nail all because we want her to see a doctor. we’re in the middle of a pandemic but her nurse literally advised her to go to the hospital. we finally got her admitted two months ago and what does she do? leaves against medical advice. the last year and a half of my life has been her sobbing and moaning in pain, throwing up and saying that she’s going to unalive herself. and maybe this makes me selfish but i have become physically sick because of this. constant panic attacks. inability to do anything except think about this. a pill addiction because i can no longer bare to be awake; to witness this. this is my entire life now and no matter what i do, reality always creeps back in.
i’m so tired of her excuses. she’s been putting off going to see a doctor for so long. early december, her excuse was that she couldn’t go because my grandmother needed someone to drive her to her own doctors appointment. she cancelled the appointment and still, my mother did not go. then, she wanted to wait for her bloodwork results to come in, even though she was still showing symptoms regardless and was incredibly sick. didn’t go. then, her excuse was bad weather. then christmas. finally got her to go on new year’s eve and she comes home after an hour. she didn’t see anyone. she was supposed to go today but apparently my father needing to go to the bank interfered with that. she apparently will be going tomorrow and at this point, i do not believe her.
i have been good. i have been kind and sympathetic. i have defended her. but tonight, she told me that she was going to unalive herself, claiming that she just wanted me to know where her mindset’s at. doesn’t she realize that i already know? we all know. she says that she can’t keep up the facade anymore but there was never one to begin with. i told her that she was upsetting me and said not to put that on her. but it is on her. it was on her when she laid in bed for years because of her depression, leaving me without any parental figure. it was on her when she attempted to homeschool me for her own selfish needs and giving up after the first day. it was on her when she told me that the reason she was so upset that her car died is because if she were going to unalive herself, her method of choice would be to drive somewhere secluded and let carbon dioxide poisoning get her. i was 10 when she told me that and when i didn’t react in the way she wanted, she said “**** you” and drove off. it was on her when she told me that i was very hard to like, all because i wouldn’t let her mother say horrid things about me. it’s all on her. she then asked me to stay until my cat dies, at least.
i have been trapped in this apartment for months. there is nowhere to go. we’re in a province wide lockdown now and i’m just,, so trapped. i’m likely going to fail english because i can’t focus on anything but this. night school starts tomorrow and then i’ll have even more on my plate. i want to leave. i have money saved. it’s not much but it’s a start. i have never been more tempted to pack my bags and leave. but i can’t leave my cat here. i won’t do that to her but god. i’m so angry. i’m so mad. i don’t deserve this. i deserve so much ****ing more.
i’m so tired of her excuses. she’s been putting off going to see a doctor for so long. early december, her excuse was that she couldn’t go because my grandmother needed someone to drive her to her own doctors appointment. she cancelled the appointment and still, my mother did not go. then, she wanted to wait for her bloodwork results to come in, even though she was still showing symptoms regardless and was incredibly sick. didn’t go. then, her excuse was bad weather. then christmas. finally got her to go on new year’s eve and she comes home after an hour. she didn’t see anyone. she was supposed to go today but apparently my father needing to go to the bank interfered with that. she apparently will be going tomorrow and at this point, i do not believe her.
i have been good. i have been kind and sympathetic. i have defended her. but tonight, she told me that she was going to unalive herself, claiming that she just wanted me to know where her mindset’s at. doesn’t she realize that i already know? we all know. she says that she can’t keep up the facade anymore but there was never one to begin with. i told her that she was upsetting me and said not to put that on her. but it is on her. it was on her when she laid in bed for years because of her depression, leaving me without any parental figure. it was on her when she attempted to homeschool me for her own selfish needs and giving up after the first day. it was on her when she told me that the reason she was so upset that her car died is because if she were going to unalive herself, her method of choice would be to drive somewhere secluded and let carbon dioxide poisoning get her. i was 10 when she told me that and when i didn’t react in the way she wanted, she said “**** you” and drove off. it was on her when she told me that i was very hard to like, all because i wouldn’t let her mother say horrid things about me. it’s all on her. she then asked me to stay until my cat dies, at least.
i have been trapped in this apartment for months. there is nowhere to go. we’re in a province wide lockdown now and i’m just,, so trapped. i’m likely going to fail english because i can’t focus on anything but this. night school starts tomorrow and then i’ll have even more on my plate. i want to leave. i have money saved. it’s not much but it’s a start. i have never been more tempted to pack my bags and leave. but i can’t leave my cat here. i won’t do that to her but god. i’m so angry. i’m so mad. i don’t deserve this. i deserve so much ****ing more.
woke up at 10 and sort of drifted back off to sleep and then woke up again at 11, 11:30, so now I’m just properly up and I feel so out of it. 
