What's Bothering You?

feeling exhausted today, I mean I did get a lot done earlier (got up early to get my hair cut and also went home for a bit, a ~45 mile round trip) but i still have some things i need to work on and im just so tired idk if i can do anything lol
I might at least make time to work on my piano pieces and one of my essays but that's about all I can do for now.

yesterday was also very eventful. maybe I should just take it easy for the rest of the day.
 
Lady Timpani said:
Oh jeez I'm sorry, that sounds rough. Especially with Covid, I'm sure it's been even harder to meet people. :( Did you move for school or for work?
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Thankfully covid isn't a problem where I live haha 😅 But yeah, I moved for work with it being too good of an opportunity to pass up considering I could still be looking for a graduate job rn. It makes it hard since my workmates are usually much older than me; there's very few people close to my age. I've moved into a flat now with people that are somewhat close to my age, so it is getting better :)
 
ali.di.magix said:
Thankfully covid isn't a problem where I live haha 😅 But yeah, I moved for work with it being too good of an opportunity to pass up considering I could still be looking for a graduate job rn. It makes it hard since my workmates are usually much older than me; there's very few people close to my age. I've moved into a flat now with people that are somewhat close to my age, so it is getting better :)
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Ah I just saw you're from NZ haha, that's great! I'm glad things are getting better, though, hopefully you'll be able to click with someone there. :)
 
Short version: Anxiety.

I've been doing a lot of writing lately, more than I have in months. Which has been really great! I've been really enjoying it and I'm quite proud of what I've been writing. However, I almost always share my writing with a very close friend of mine, because they always seem to enjoy it and they've always liked my characters, and they got me into the series I'm currently writing a ton of fanfic for.

But, what's bothering me is that, they've been reading a whole lot of things lately, they like to read really long fanfics and stuff like they gushing about them to me and, wanting to get me to read the stories they like and their own writing (which I love to do! I always try to read it as soon as I can!) but, I wrote something I was really proud of, really happy about, that I thought they would enjoy too but... they just, don't, seem to want to read it. And like, I know they don't have to. If they just, didn't want to I would accept that and let the matter drop.

But, it just, really hurts? To be proud of something and excited about it and then, be told "oh I can't read this not even very long thing you worked hard on because I can't pay attention for that long".... when they constantly, constantly, read things 20x longer (and I'm not exaggerating there, at all). But I feel bad for how upset this is making me because I don't understand what I did wrong. I don't understand if I'm just, not picking up on some unsaid signal I'm supposed to just "get". It's really just, crushed me honestly. I've been very upset about it all day and I have a thing from them I'm supposed to read, that I wanted to read, that now I can't bring myself to stomach it because I just, keep getting overwhelmed by hurt, and a bit of resentment that's, scaring me. I don't like getting upset with this person because they really mean a lot to me but like, I just keep feeling really sick about the whole thing and I kind of just want to, hide the thing I wrote and maybe just, stop writing at all and just, I don't know. It's just made me feel really bad about a lot of things that were making me really happy and now I don't know what to do.

I know it's probably mostly my anxiety and me, reading things that aren't there but. am I really wrong for being hurt by that? how am I supposed to feel? it felt like, being smacked in the face. and now I just, doubt, everything. I just want to go back to yesterday and just, delete the fic and pretend I never wrote it and never had that conversation and I don't know how to do what they expect and I don't think I even want to anymore to be completely honest. but that would be selfish and mean and, I don't want to do that to them.

That got really long but, I just really needed to vent a little bit. I hate having the world's thinnest skin, and being hurt by everything. It always makes me just, want to run away. Just shut myself off. Anxiety really sucks and I wish I didn't have it.
 
Frustrated. I hate how I can’t forget things I want to forget. Also, a bit depressed. I’m convinced that even once my mom finds help for me that I still will have trouble getting any kind of job — part time or full time and won’t be able to live on my own and be able to handle responsibilities or live normally. The longer this pandemic goes on, the more I dwell on stuff that has been hurting me for awhile like interactions with my personal (offline friends). Like I wasn’t initially upset about one of my friends not siding with me when his cousin was an absolute clueless jerk during one extremely hard time of my life (my favorite aunt - was murdered). But now, it has been starting to bug me and something else he did. I seriously hate how I can’t let things go; taking about it to my counselor does not help a lot. I wish there was a way to fully treat anxiety and reduce it to normal levels as well as the other stuff wrong with me. If my dad didn’t go ballistic whenever i showed symptoms and didn’t lash out or blame me or my mom when he experiences anxiety (he doesn’t get it treated since he believes he doesn’t have it and that it is my fault and my mom’s), maybe I’d like myself more, and if only my friends understood as well.

last night i thought about my best guy friend and am really upset about the moving since I don’t want to move before he returns to the country. He is from a country that is in really bad shape, though now he is in Europe with some relatives. he got caught working without having a green card (the company he worked for didn’t get in trouble though ) and now with or without the pandemic, idk if i will ever see him again. so again, I am beginning to dread every day; not even excited for my own birthday. thank goodness for the tournament which has been distracting me for the most part from most of this crap.

Looks like I won’t have my stuff out of my boxes or my room back for at least a day or two more. These isn’t that big of a complaint; I just wish I knew where my colored pencils were so I can draw (or try to since my drawings are bad 😅).
 
Not being able to make friends during the lockdown and pandemic has made me feel down. During the few instances when I’m outside and talking to people, I try to make friends but they never quite seem to reciprocate. Looking at pictures of my old friends having fun with new friends on social media makes me feel like I’m missing out on something. Being in a ldr doesn’t help a whole lot either. We live in different cities around 30 minutes away and planning the next time we’ll meet has been a hassle. They have a busy schedule that revolves around school, religion, and friends and sometimes I feel like I’m always waiting for the next time they’re available to contact me or hang out. Then again, I wish to meet new people and find new hobbies to keep myself busy but it’s just so hard. I wish things could just be more simple.
 
I'm getting the second dose tomorrow morning and the panic is just now hitting me. Why do I have to be such a baby when it comes to needles. The process goes by so quick, I know this, yet my brain just wants to go into hysteria at the mere mention of them.
 
Check list:​
  • Spend 4+ months prepping for a thing
  • Make sure you've gathered all the supplies needed over and over again.
  • Promptly make an irreversible mistake the second you start actually doing the thing.
Feeling all kinds of frustrated right now. 🙃​
 
Normally venting helps me cope, but sometimes I feel like it doesn’t do anything. My brain just continues to ruminate on negative experiences regardless of what I do.

Toxic people like my high school bullies or ex seem to stick the longest. If I feel attacked by those kinds of people it takes years for me to move on. All I know how to respond is by venting or distracting myself. Nothing else works, and even then it’s a temporary solution.
 
It's like everything I was supposed to feel the first 3 month of pregnancy I start to get now in the 5th month. Currently I have quite some headpain and the medicine makes me want to throw up >->
 
today's been pretty crappy so far, prob cause I didn't sleep well last night. woke up for no reason at like 1am and I shot up out of bed to get dressed for work... only to realize it was 1am. then as I was going back to sleep I (by some odd chance) heard a fire alarm go off in another dorm and bc I'm still terrified from last week when the fire alarm went off twice I jumped out of bed again, fully prepared for the alarm to go off here so my dog and I could hurriedly leave the building. that really sucked.

also just generally very moody bc I hit my breaking point with schoolwork a while ago and I'm literally just dragging myself now. every time someone else has something nice happening in their life it makes me want to cry cause I hate where my life is rn, I feel pretty helpless and I have an overwhelming sense of guilt.

on top of this stuff I encountered quite a few cases of sever transphobia on facebook yesterday. if I ever needed an excuse to leave the platform that was it. as if I didn't already feel singled out fro society bc of aspergers, now I've got this too. I know it's not a choice but still idk why I do this to myself :>>>
 
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