What's Bothering You?

Feel like everytime I come on this site I just feel ignored.
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Where should I start this.. So I have a best friend, she's really smart and kind. Her grades would be always on top of mine. If I'm lucky, I have better grades than her.

My parents never had been proud of me about my grades, ig some times when i was really young. I hate school, and I tried so hard to not fail on my exams. I haven't fail and have to redo. Is that not enough??

Every time just talk about my exams, like anything, they would ask me about my best friend. Well ig that's fine, but of course she'll be better than me. So I told them. Then they started comparing me to herself. Everytime.

They never not talk about her if it's about my grades. Can't you just be proud of me?? She's not your child, I am! Why talk about her so much!? And when I have better grade than her, it's usually only one or two subjects out of 8 or 10. They aren't excited as I hoped.

Sometimes I have thoughts leaving her, but I haven't because she's really nice and we have so much in common.
I know how you feel my parents compared me to my sister always telling me "WHY CAN'T YOU BE MORE LIKE YOUR SISTER?!" This is why I never ask for help or advice because I don't want to become someone that my parents want me to become. I have to learn to be my own self which is something that I've learned after for so long, but the pain still hurts me mentally.
 
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I’m overanalyzing my relationship even though I shouldn’t be. I should be happy that he’s spending so much time with his friends time after time and doing all of these activities. I feel really selfish that I feel jealous that he has a lot of friends to support him while I have little to no one. He tells me how great his day was and the challenges he does with his friends and I can’t help but feel lonely. The only thing I can tell him back was that I stayed at home and studied. I feel so boring and have no personality. I try and counter this by making new friends but they never seem to quite reciprocate back. I try to keep my options open and look for new people to be acquainted with but my social circle is very small and I can’t go anywhere. I have these feelings of having no where else to run and feeling useless. I feel trapped. I know he cares about me a lot and I appreciate it and I really want to make this work. I want him to feel appreciated and cared for when I can’t even do that for myself. I’m really sorry.
 
I just found out that one of my red collectibles was not showing up this whole time. I feel bad since someone gifted me it ><

I also found I messed up a little on one of the tomatoes in my drawing. ><
 
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i found out i have finals on my birthday I HATE THIS
 
allergies everywhere allergies. also didn't help that mom dragged in half a lilacs bush inside last night jeez.

also royal fail...i mean mail ugh.
 
I really love that super star collectible ugh 😔😔

also I'm literally this 👌 close to being done with school but I still have to write another entire essay and it's really upsetting 😭
 
I just woke up with this massive wave of dread for no real reason. Not a great way to start the day...
 
l feel like l'm going to get sick. I basically do sleep on the floor as everyone else gets a bed. Fan cold air and the moldy air l breathe in is possibly causing me to feel sick again.
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I really love that super star collectible ugh 😔😔

also I'm literally this 👌 close to being done with school but I still have to write another entire essay and it's really upsetting 😭
essays are the worst
 
Going to get my first covid shot later today, which is great...but it also means I've kinda wasted this beautiful day by sitting around, waiting. I didn't want to go do yardwork and get all tired and stuff. Feel like I should stay hydrated and rested to prevent side effects. Just...really bumming me out to sit here on a day like this.
 
Just woke up and am depressed. Hopefully I feel better when I get back to drawing and coloring today :); I think I should, just maybe not about yesterday and something else. This is another thing that will probably stick with me for awhile. I have counseling this week, but I don’t think I will be able to talk about it. I just feel like if my friends don’t understand me, then it is unlikely a stranger would even though she has been very supportive and seemed to understand. I know I am thinking silly but not sure really how to cope. I wish my friends would stick up for me once. Are my feelings not valid? Tired of all these negative feelings. Brain why can’t you just let me forget this crap.
 
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I went into overstimulated(tm) mode for a bit cause my dog was panting excessively and I got mad at him for it, the noise was driving me insane. I feel bad cause I know he was just trying to cool down.

now I have to work on this essay but my mental health is absolutely trashed and idk what to do abt it 🙃
 
Bernina presser feet have no business being as expensive as they are. I have a cute (well I think it’s cute my dad says it’s ugly lol) little vintage Bernina machine but I don’t have one presser foot for it. I’d love to at least get a zipper foot, but ideally more so I can make full dresses without having to swap between my machines because at that point I’d rather just use my Janome.

Anyways. Bernina decided to make their presser feet attach using a special mechanism so you have to either buy an adapter or buy their special feet, so they’re expensive. Plus my machine is vintage so I need the old style presser feet which I naively hoped would be less expensive but that’s not the case.

It’s such a petty and meaningless complaint but I’m just grumpy that things are expensive and I am poor lmao
 
Really really really getting sick of being prone to headaches. I have one right now as well.

I plan on trying some new things that will hopefully improve my health in the near future and I really hope that will also help my headaches but hard to say right now.

I’m just tired of feeling crummy so often. :/
 
so update on what has been bothering me: how is asking someone to tell someone to not text me taking sides? my friend’s girlfriend didn’t give any details about how i felt just asked him to relay the message. so if his cousin starts harassing me? are you just going to let him? i know i said i’d like it if my side was seen but asking someone to leave me alone for me since i don’t have their number so hard? I think everyone would be better off without me tbh and no I am not thinking of self harm or anything.i hate how if i don’t worry about something right away i worry about it later on. can’t i be normal and have normal anxiety and be able to socialize normal. i know this is stupid thinking but i really hate whoever in my bloodline had all these disorders and gave it to me (I’m adopted so i have no idea; they gave us little information).
 
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