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What's Bothering You?

nothing like sitting around a group of people to remind me that I am in fact autistic and I suck *** at socializing bc my stupid autistic brain only makes words when it wants to 🙃
 
I accidentally cut my thumb and it hurts to use. So much for playing video games today…
 
canker sore on my top lip 🙃🙃🙃

also one of my teeth is still kinda aching from yesterday, it was actually the best looking tooth out of the three so idk why it hurts still.
 
I was going to sleep but my favorite person wanted to talk and battle, so here I am an hour later. ♡ She’s okay though and her mom’s surgery went well which makes me happy. Now, I’m going to sleep. 😌 I just hope I don’t wake up super late tomorrow.
 
I bought "The Subtle Art of Not Giving a ****" on a whim because I heard about it long ago and thought it was good. I'm only one chapter in and it's alright, I can definitely relate to a lot of what the author said (stuff about not trying to force positivity all the time and to not care about the very minor things in life), but I saw a lot of reviews that say it just goes downhill after like the third or fourth chapter. There are also parts that are pretty sexist which make me feel uncomfortable. Now I feel bad because I paid $16 for this and I guess I wish I bought a better book instead with $16.

There's this book on depression by a journalist with a really catchy name (don't wanna say it because the title itself might be against the rules). Desperately wish I bought that instead.

Well, whatever. I'll try to find a more interesting self-help book around the house. Maybe my dad has one stashed away somewhere.
 
Today is my mom's birthday, but I won't be able to celebrate it. I haven't seen her or heard from her since January, and today seems to be indifferent. 💔
 
I preordered a book on March 18th of this year and it was supposed to SHIP in late June of 2022 AT LATEST. Its already July 29th and my mother says she hasnt even gotten a confirmed shipping date or ORDER CONFIRMATION EMAIL YET THEY TOOK THE MONEY OUT OF HER ACCOUNT SO LONG AGO.... It was a book from my favorite YouTuber and I got excited to check the mail and count down the days for MONTHS and it still hasnt arrived... I think I should get a refund. I saved up my money and everything. I still watch her videos every Friday but I wish my book would get here. If it doesnt I will be sad :( Have I been scammed?? I saved up 35 dollars and I am just.. AIUDGAUIDG ANGIE ANGIE ANGRYRYYY :mad: The timeline on the website hasnt even been updated... IM NOT THE ONLY ONE COMPLAINING TOO 😭😭😭 Everyone responding to her original announcement of the book on her Facebook have been just like me complaining about how long its been!!! She HAS to see these but the only things she has said in one of her videos is just that there has been a little delay like... WHAT GIRL???? (By the way it was a Moriah Elizabeth Yearbook)
 
I told my landlord days ago that the shower is broken and he still hasn't sent anyone to fix it. Have mercy on me good sir, we are in the middle of a heatwave and my armpits are in dire need of a shower.
 
I'm starting to realize I struggle with being consistent either in my part-time job or my side work towards becoming a freelancer and I even fear this might probably affect future relationships. Working on social medias to create something be it either digital art, video game commenting, 3D modeling or singing has been a struggle since I need to be consistent for youtube for example to recommend me and since I'm tackling and learning so many different things it takes long to post and for the algorith is not enough.
I like to switch between different subjects as I get bored if I stick to one for long but the internet and even society isn't build for that at least when you are starting. I have been brainstorming plans to be the most consistent I can be but as I was planning I realize it is going to take a while for the plan to come to fruition as I need to draw a few things before I can come back to youtube again and it frustastes me.
This last year I have been more productive that I was before but I'm near my 30s and still struggle to find a proper path in life and be independant. I realize it is no fault of mine as I am still recovering from trauma that keeps lurking in from time to time but then I compare myself to others and people younger than me and feel ashamed of myself. I compare myself to my younger sister who seems like she has more control over her life and I feel like a failure of a big sister. I feel like a failure to my parents and want to prove myself sooner rather than later. The fact that everything I do takes time frustates me and that even includes days when I need to take a breaks from overworking.
 
There was a YouTuber that I used to watch frequently. He does a lot of live streams. I took a bit of a break and stumbled across the channel again. I came back to a livestream, and it just doesn’t seem as genuine, I guess? I used to participate in live streams all the time. Now, when I participate, it just seems a bunch of comments get overlooked. I think I was drawn to the channel for the engagement. Now, I’m just not feeling it.
 
I’ve been getting a lot of messages lately from people on Ebay that didn’t purchase an item but they’ll pretend to be the person who did right after it sells. I’ve really had to watch because they’d ask me to only send one item in the lot, or just pretending to be the person who bought it. It’s weird because I’m not a new seller, and my account was made in 2011 (it was just a buyer account at that time). I’m just confused why there are so many of these accounts that are clearly trying to scam or screw with people. Those new accounts are usually only a day-week old.
 
I'm so fed up of feeling anxious and not sleeping because of this alongside the fact it's still warm, this summer really is giving all it's got and I am so done with it.
 
People asking you for advice and getting mad when you tell them your opinion. Or people who say they are your friend but clearly don’t trust you even though they say they do. They question everything you do… Some people just don’t want to change, I guess, and I was stupid to think they would. My crush is driving me insane. 😣
 
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