Mental Health

[Patisserie]

Thanks so much for your reply, I'm hopefully coming to the end of this particular patch now, and I hope it doesn't flare up again whatever it is.

Once when I had it particularly bad I did try to Google how I felt, and I found the same sort of thing you did, but yeah nothing I've found is exactly the same as what I experience.

I think it's triggered by different things each time, I think sometimes it's when I'm left to my own devices for too long I tend to overthink stuff and I can sort of spiral into questions upon questions, and the end result is me looking at the world upside down, everything kind of seems off including myself, like I'm not myself anymore. It is pretty scary. Other times it just happens out of the blue like a sudden feeling just comes over me.

If I get to see someone about it, I'll definitely update here if I get some kind of diagnosis, however that probably won't be for a while

Growing up I had a really controlling family. I wasn't really aware of it at the time. It was just the norm for me. As I got older I had come to realize that I lacked empathy nor felt guilt. In one of my early relationships I broke up with my boyfriend. He started to cry! I was in complete disbelief... I'd never seen a man cry and it was a forbidden thing in my upbringing. I felt in that moment as if somebody had flipped a switch and I could suddenly feel empathy, guilt, and a much deeper range of emotions. I think I cried at like every little emotional thing around me lol. TV shows, movies, books, would have me sobbing at random. This went on for like 2yrs. I spent that time trying to understand why? An apologizing to many friends for my insensitive behaviors as a teenager. I was determined not to let my family control me anymore. I didn't want to be a puppet. However, I didn't know how to live any other way. I wasn't aware of this until just few years ago... I removed the control my family had on me and gave it to my friends or boyfriend. They were making all of my decisions for me. I was unintentionally giving them the burden of making up my decisions or my opinions. Because, all I had ever known was my puppet upbringing. Once I realized that I was blown away! Who was I? What choices in my life had actually been mine? Do I really like these things? Clothes? Music? Literally every aspect of my life I'm now looking back.... I have to scrutinize and re-examine my thoughts, feelings, and decisions. I have to make sure I'm aware and not burden friends etc into making me their puppet. Sometimes when I think about these things I get nauseous and disgusted with myself. ☹ I mean who am I? I don't like who I was before. But, that was a version of me that was created by others choices and opinions. I try to take it 1 day at a time. Be proud of the decisions that I make regardless of bad or good. Because they were mine. Mostly I'm sad sometimes angry for all the years I'd lost to figure out me. I'm not sure if this helps. I truly hope it does. Because I know that feeling of not knowing who I am. That feeling of who is/was this person. I'm also scared of who I may become. Will I like that person? I hope so.... Sorry for the long rant.

 

[BeezyBee]

I've been clinically diagnosed with FOUR mental illnesses (Asperger's, Trichotillomania, Body Dysmorphia, and Social Anxiety Disorder). When most people find out (and it's very few, for obvious reasons) they're shocked because I seem so "happy".

The truth is, I AM happy. Yes, I've definitely have had my down moments, some of which are traumatic, but I try to keep myself in the mindset that everything is temporary. However, everyone has different ways of coping.

 

[Bugs]

Growing up I had a really controlling family. I wasn't really aware of it at the time. It was just the norm for me. As I got older I had come to realize that I lacked empathy nor felt guilt. In one of my early relationships I broke up with my boyfriend. He started to cry! I was in complete disbelief... I'd never seen a man cry and it was a forbidden thing in my upbringing. I felt in that moment as if somebody had flipped a switch and I could suddenly feel empathy, guilt, and a much deeper range of emotions. I think I cried at like every little emotional thing around me lol. TV shows, movies, books, would have me sobbing at random. This went on for like 2yrs. I spent that time trying to understand why? An apologizing to many friends for my insensitive behaviors as a teenager. I was determined not to let my family control me anymore. I didn't want to be a puppet. However, I didn't know how to live any other way. I wasn't aware of this until just few years ago... I removed the control my family had on me and gave it to my friends or boyfriend. They were making all of my decisions for me. I was unintentionally giving them the burden of making up my decisions or my opinions. Because, all I had ever known was my puppet upbringing. Once I realized that I was blown away! Who was I? What choices in my life had actually been mine? Do I really like these things? Clothes? Music? Literally every aspect of my life I'm now looking back.... I have to scrutinize and re-examine my thoughts, feelings, and decisions. I have to make sure I'm aware and not burden friends etc into making me their puppet. Sometimes when I think about these things I get nauseous and disgusted with myself. ☹ I mean who am I? I don't like who I was before. But, that was a version of me that was created by others choices and opinions. I try to take it 1 day at a time. Be proud of the decisions that I make regardless of bad or good. Because they were mine. Mostly I'm sad sometimes angry for all the years I'd lost to figure out me. I'm not sure if this helps. I truly hope it does. Because I know that feeling of not knowing who I am. That feeling of who is/was this person. I'm also scared of who I may become. Will I like that person? I hope so.... Sorry for the long rant.

Thanks for sharing how you feel, I can't stand the patches of time where I don't feel normal, and I couldn't imagine having to deal with that all the time. That sounds awful

I hope your journey of self discovery goes well, and that you start feeling proud of who you are today

 

[Mayor Ng]

Thanks so much for your reply, I'm hopefully coming to the end of this particular patch now, and I hope it doesn't flare up again whatever it is.

Once when I had it particularly bad I did try to Google how I felt, and I found the same sort of thing you did, but yeah nothing I've found is exactly the same as what I experience.

I think it's triggered by different things each time, I think sometimes it's when I'm left to my own devices for too long I tend to overthink stuff and I can sort of spiral into questions upon questions, and the end result is me looking at the world upside down, everything kind of seems off including myself, like I'm not myself anymore. It is pretty scary. Other times it just happens out of the blue like a sudden feeling just comes over me.

If I get to see someone about it, I'll definitely update here if I get some kind of diagnosis, however that probably won't be for a while

You're always welcomed. Will be waiting for good news! Stay safe and strong

Growing up I had a really controlling family. I wasn't really aware of it at the time. It was just the norm for me. As I got older I had come to realize that I lacked empathy nor felt guilt. In one of my early relationships I broke up with my boyfriend. He started to cry! I was in complete disbelief... I'd never seen a man cry and it was a forbidden thing in my upbringing. I felt in that moment as if somebody had flipped a switch and I could suddenly feel empathy, guilt, and a much deeper range of emotions. I think I cried at like every little emotional thing around me lol. TV shows, movies, books, would have me sobbing at random. This went on for like 2yrs. I spent that time trying to understand why? An apologizing to many friends for my insensitive behaviors as a teenager. I was determined not to let my family control me anymore. I didn't want to be a puppet. However, I didn't know how to live any other way. I wasn't aware of this until just few years ago... I removed the control my family had on me and gave it to my friends or boyfriend. They were making all of my decisions for me. I was unintentionally giving them the burden of making up my decisions or my opinions. Because, all I had ever known was my puppet upbringing. Once I realized that I was blown away! Who was I? What choices in my life had actually been mine? Do I really like these things? Clothes? Music? Literally every aspect of my life I'm now looking back.... I have to scrutinize and re-examine my thoughts, feelings, and decisions. I have to make sure I'm aware and not burden friends etc into making me their puppet. Sometimes when I think about these things I get nauseous and disgusted with myself. ☹ I mean who am I? I don't like who I was before. But, that was a version of me that was created by others choices and opinions. I try to take it 1 day at a time. Be proud of the decisions that I make regardless of bad or good. Because they were mine. Mostly I'm sad sometimes angry for all the years I'd lost to figure out me. I'm not sure if this helps. I truly hope it does. Because I know that feeling of not knowing who I am. That feeling of who is/was this person. I'm also scared of who I may become. Will I like that person? I hope so.... Sorry for the long rant.

Thank you for replying to Bugs!

I didn't have a controlling family (my condolences) but I can relate to growing up without empathy and lack of guilt. I was a very naughty kid growing up and always fighting with other children or causing trouble and getting into quarrels with adults. Partially because I grew up being the unloved child (my elder sister was always adored) and probably wanted love and affection from my distant parents. When you are a kid, your sense of right and wrong are skewed (even more so without proper adult guidance) and often times you hurt people because you want to without knowing the consequences or result of your actions

I still struggle to display my emotions until today, I do not cry because I learnt that crying does not solve anything (it's okay to cry and healthily so) and that it was considered weak (an unhealthy mindset), lately I've been able to shed a tear or two but in the rarest of cases. I've always thought and still continue to sometimes that I am heartless because I do not cry when something really tragic happens or feel sad (maybe a pang of sadness now and then), like when one of my family dog died and I couldn't make myself cry or feel for it even though I was quite close to that dog (a Siberian Husky named Honda) - I was there when she collapsed because a cancer tumour near her heart exploded and she died of internal bleeding, everything happened so fast, driving her to the vet only to see her pass on the operating table while the vets where constantly trying to resuscitate her. I must've looked like a monster to the vets, standing there not shedding a tear and just paying the bills and bringing her dead body back with me so that my family can cremate her (her bones are now buried in her yard with a stone Japanese lamp on top as her tombstone). Additionally, I do not know what love truly is, just that it is a feeling of wanting to cherish something (slowly getting better at understanding it with the help of my girlfriend). My parents have been okay of late and I have been bonding a little with them but I'm already a young adult so I view them more as my friends (other than the fact that my mom gave birth to me). In fact, I'm more closer as friends with my elder sister than with my parents (we are only a year apart and only started to be friends about 9 years to a decade now).

We are all flawed at the end of the day. Human beings are not perfect and will always make mistakes. "Mostly I'm sad sometimes angry for all the years I'd lost to figure out me" - The past is the past, focus on the present. I've learnt it is easier to accept your past than look back and think about what you could have done better or how you could've lived it better (regrets are unhealthy). Thank you for sharing, I am sure it has helped people realise somethings (both for those in this thread and would be readers). Stay safe and stay strong! Glad you are still on this thread and on the road to better yourself

I've been clinically diagnosed with FOUR mental illnesses (Asperger's, Trichotillomania, Body Dysmorphia, and Social Anxiety Disorder). When most people find out (and it's very few, for obvious reasons) they're shocked because I seem so "happy".

The truth is, I AM happy. Yes, I've definitely have had my down moments, some of which are traumatic, but I try to keep myself in the mindset that everything is temporary. However, everyone has different ways of coping.

Continue to STAY HAPPY!!! Your positive mindset of not lingering is good! Nothing matters as long as you are happy (unless you are hurting people of course but yea I don't think that would be the case). Stay safe during the pandemic and stay happy always!

 

[*The Oakboro Mayor*]

So, I haven’t been diagnosed because I live in a super small town and I’m not sure it there is a test or whatnot to be diagnosed, I’ve never heard of anything like that, so I assume I can’t. I have struggled with anxiety my whole life, but the past few weeks have been really rough. My work has really weighed down on my and I haven’t seen any of my friends in 3 months. I was in a really dark hole in my life and it seemed that I couldn’t do anything except work. I worried that my friends and colleagues would go out together and have fun without me (which they did, to some extent). I was a nervous wreck. I broke down crying when I felt threatened or frustrated. I decided I needed to get out of the hole I was in and start working towards making other people happy if I couldn’t make myself happy. For the past couple days I’ve been trying to contribute to this platform as much as possible because it was the one stable place I could visit when I was frustrated and worried. I think that making others happy helped me a lot! For those who are reading this, I hope you are doing well and feeling like you have someone caring for you. If not, don’t worry! Someone will roll around eventually.

 

[Mayor Ng]

So, I haven’t been diagnosed because I live in a super small town and I’m not sure it there is a test or whatnot to be diagnosed, I’ve never heard of anything like that, so I assume I can’t. I have struggled with anxiety my whole life, but the past few weeks have been really rough. My work has really weighed down on my and I haven’t seen any of my friends in 3 months. I was in a really dark hole in my life and it seemed that I couldn’t do anything except work. I worried that my friends and colleagues would go out together and have fun without me (which they did, to some extent). I was a nervous wreck. I broke down crying when I felt threatened or frustrated. I decided I needed to get out of the hole I was in and start working towards making other people happy if I couldn’t make myself happy. For the past couple days I’ve been trying to contribute to this platform as much as possible because it was the one stable place I could visit when I was frustrated and worried. I think that making others happy helped me a lot! For those who are reading this, I hope you are doing well and feeling like you have someone caring for you. If not, don’t worry! Someone will roll around eventually.

"For the past couple days I’ve been trying to contribute to this platform as much as possible because it was the one stable place I could visit when I was frustrated and worried." - Feel free to watch this thread and contribute whenever you want
"I think that making others happy helped me a lot!" - Couldn't have said it better, helping others and seeing them feel better does help make oneself feel better and less alone

 

[naraku44]

I’m not officially diagnosed but I know I have severe anxiety, and social anxiety. I might also have depression but only minor. My anxiety started showing its true colors maybe 5-6 years ago. It was around the time my mother got diagnosed with cirrhosis of the liver, and my dad became abusive. It ended with me taking care of my mom, while my dad didn’t do anything to help. She passed away October 2017, and my anxiety took another turn for the worse. It hasn’t been the same for me since. I feel so awful all the time, and I worry about every little thing. A lot of the abuse I suffered from affects my friendships and even my relationship sometimes. I was on talking terms with my father every day (or he’d yell and get angry because I “didn’t call him” but he never attempted to call me first) but now I am not on speaking terms with him, and I feel like I can finally start the healing process soon. I still have a long way to go, but I’m learning how to better myself.

 

[Mayor Ng]

I’m not officially diagnosed but I know I have severe anxiety, and social anxiety. I might also have depression but only minor. My anxiety started showing its true colors maybe 5-6 years ago. It was around the time my mother got diagnosed with cirrhosis of the liver, and my dad became abusive. It ended with me taking care of my mom, while my dad didn’t do anything to help. She passed away October 2017, and my anxiety took another turn for the worse. It hasn’t been the same for me since. I feel so awful all the time, and I worry about every little thing. A lot of the abuse I suffered from affects my friendships and even my relationship sometimes. I was on talking terms with my father every day (or he’d yell and get angry because I “didn’t call him” but he never attempted to call me first) but now I am not on speaking terms with him, and I feel like I can finally start the healing process soon. I still have a long way to go, but I’m learning how to better myself.

I'm not official diagnosed and I don't have anxiety, in fact, I can be describe as emotionless or lack of any emotions really. I have a difficult childhood growing up and my father is rather abusive (not physically but mentally). Never experienced parental love for most of my lifetime, so I am sadden to know you have lost your mother. I don't really seek much from myself other than being a good person and not being a burden to other people. I am not suicidal but I am not too afraid if something tragic happened and I lost my life, this perspective have made problems in life seem miniscule (but it's not beneficial for my significant other for me to not value my life as much as I should). I'm glad the both of us found significant others that we can take comfort in and that accepts us for who we are. My significant others have trust issues and severe anxieties and she told me that my calm demeanor, commitment, loyalty, patience and sacrifices have helped lessen her worries.

I suppose you could take things one at a time and let your significant other help you through your healing process. Life is an adventure and it will bring about its own ups and downs. Patience and time can help wounds and kindness is the remedy to healing wounded souls. I find being kind to people brings a smile to my face and maybe someday my emotions will return (maybe it will help you too). Hope you get better and my condolences for your current events in life

 

[Patisserie]

Been away for a while because I was setting up my new phone. Lately I’ve been struggling with my self image and comfort with body. Because of my anxiety and nausea I’ve always been really skinny. I struggled to gain weight most of my life. Now I’m around 155lbs which is a good weight cause I’m pretty tall. But, what I’m struggling with is how I feel physically. I know it’s kinda odd. But, I’m not used to the sensation of the weight I’ve gained on my body. My clothes are fitting more tightly. Actually I should say they fit right. But, again I’m really not used to it. I honestly didn’t realize part of my recovery and getting healthy mentally and physically could have such an effect. So now when I feel awkward about my body and my weight gain. I have to remind myself that I eat pretty healthy and this is a good average weight for me. Now that I can eat regular portions of food without my anxiety making me nauseous. Just a really odd prospective.

 

[Mayor Ng]

Been away for a while because I was setting up my new phone. Lately I’ve been struggling with my self image and comfort with body. Because of my anxiety and nausea I’ve always been really skinny. I struggled to gain weight most of my life. Now I’m around 155lbs which is a good weight cause I’m pretty tall. But, what I’m struggling with is how I feel physically. I know it’s kinda odd. But, I’m not used to the sensation of the weight I’ve gained on my body. My clothes are fitting more tightly. Actually I should say they fit right. But, again I’m really not used to it. I honestly didn’t realize part of my recovery and getting healthy mentally and physically could have such an effect. So now when I feel awkward about my body and my weight gain. I have to remind myself that I eat pretty healthy and this is a good average weight for me. Now that I can eat regular portions of food without my anxiety making me nauseous. Just a really odd prospective.

Same here! Always been really skinny even though my BMI is normal since I'm rather tall. Everyone's always saying I got to eat more but I already sorta do I try not to let the other people define how I should be. Good thing my significant other likes tall and skinny guys (not too skinny where you only see bones either lol) It's not odd to feel uncomfortable when you gain a little weight. I once gained 4kg from my last year at uni stressing over my thesis paper and not eating healthy only to find out my cholestorel shot through the roof Now I'm back to my regular weight and I'm comfortable with that. Since you eat healthy and have managed to gain a little and feel less nauseous, that's good progress!

 

[neoqueenserenity]

Hi! This is a very important thread and I'm glad so many of you have been comfortable to share such personal things to us strangers/semi-strangers.
I'm glad I found this thread because I've been struggling a lot lately with my mental health again for the first time in years. I was diagnosed with dysthymia as a teenager, but with lots of therapy, antidepressants, and even moving away to a new location where I was able to escape bad people and meet my wonderful husband while moving onto an adult life, I was able to let go of a lot of those bad thoughts, some of which included wanting to hurt myself. In these last recent months, with everything going on between COVID-19 making my job extremely stressful, and also making my husband have to go on unemployment temporarily, I'm also worried about my friends during the BLM protests currently. Also to mention, my husband and I experienced 2 sudden deaths in our circle this last week. We also euthanized his betta tonight due to illness and old age. I've been very stressed with my sister recovering from surviving breast cancer these last few months, and my mother being in a very unhealthy and unhappy marriage and having to see her struggle. I feel like these last few months have been piling on and on until I want to break. I'm thankful for my little family at home with my hubby and the animals, but my heart is hurting so much for everyone around us and it's starting to break me down. I'm just trying to keep a smile on my face. If you read all of this, thanks for listening! This is a great thread and my inbox will always be open to anyone who needs to chat!

 

[Mayor Ng]

Hi! This is a very important thread and I'm glad so many of you have been comfortable to share such personal things to us strangers/semi-strangers.
I'm glad I found this thread because I've been struggling a lot lately with my mental health again for the first time in years. I was diagnosed with dysthymia as a teenager, but with lots of therapy, antidepressants, and even moving away to a new location where I was able to escape bad people and meet my wonderful husband while moving onto an adult life, I was able to let go of a lot of those bad thoughts, some of which included wanting to hurt myself. In these last recent months, with everything going on between COVID-19 making my job extremely stressful, and also making my husband have to go on unemployment temporarily, I'm also worried about my friends during the BLM protests currently. Also to mention, my husband and I experienced 2 sudden deaths in our circle this last week. We also euthanized his betta tonight due to illness and old age. I've been very stressed with my sister recovering from surviving breast cancer these last few months, and my mother being in a very unhealthy and unhappy marriage and having to see her struggle. I feel like these last few months have been piling on and on until I want to break. I'm thankful for my little family at home with my hubby and the animals, but my heart is hurting so much for everyone around us and it's starting to break me down. I'm just trying to keep a smile on my face. If you read all of this, thanks for listening! This is a great thread and my inbox will always be open to anyone who needs to chat!

Sounds like you have a lot on your plate to think about and probably why your mental health is deteriorating at the moment. One way I deal with worry is to compartmentalize it into urgent and mild. Urgent worries are worries that need my immediate attention while mild worries are just worries that I keep at the back of my head and think about from time to time but not let it affect me. You're worried about your friends and family and that's a very normal thing for a decent person but worrying too much will not help you nor them because it will only deteriorate your own mental health and in return, the people you are worried about will start to worry about you. Try to lessen your worries by doing something productive like asking your friends to keep you inform of their whereabouts before and after a rally. You are still worried but atleast now you'll be less worried as you will be aware of their situations.

Remember to always look after yourself first and foremost, only when you are healthy and mentally sound can you be productive and helpful to people around you! You can ask your hubby to stop you if you start to overstress yourself from worrying. Take a deep breather and start to compartmentalize the worries by urgency and proceed based on urgency level. Do something productive that will lessen your worries. Stay safe and stay stong and I hope peace and harmony will return to America again!

 

[lyradelphie04]

I'm naturally a very people-needy person, and as a person with both ADHD and BPD (I describe that as similar to bipolar 2 due to the fact that few people in my life know what it is), the whole COVID thing has driven me all over the place.

I take ADHD meds which have been very effective at overall leveling down the extremes that come with BPD, but with the stress from schoolwork, planning out college applications, paying bills with my mother, and mourning my father, the ADHD meds haven't been as effective. I lose focus on what I should be doing and escape to Animal Crossing whilst sitting on the couch with my sister and watching youtube.

Being away from groups of people has taken its toll on my energy levels and I'm constantly exhausted on days that I don't take the medication. And as much as I need my IRL friends, I've found myself withdrawing from them ever since the passing of my dad, which hasn't helped my extrovert mentality at all.

The one good thing about being home all the time is that I've cared less about my appearance and taking care of every little blemish. I've always always been insecure about how I look [probably stems from being adopted into an all-white family in a VERY white area and never feeling like I fit in or could do anything to change my race to look like all the other beautiful blonde, long-legged girls] and would fuss with every imperfection until it got worse and went away. But I don't do a lot more than take my daily showers and brush my teeth these days, which has been good at making me focus less on imperfections and more on just being comfortable.

But, I do take 20 minutes a day to walk my dog, as who doesn't love some good ol' fashioned dopamine? And I try to combat being surrounded by so few people by spending more time near my mom and sister. And I'm on here quite often to give myself something to do that feels more relaxing and such. I'm proud to say that I haven't fallen into old coping habits that included some substance abuse and other forms of self-harm, but lord of lords, I miss my therapist!! (She moved away to Serbia :')). I am really grateful that this website exists though, so I can post semi-anonymously and not feel like a burden through posting on my Instagram or Snapchat or something.

Shout out to Mayor NG for posting this thread, it's nice to have a designated rant area to let these feelings and thoughts out. Don't get me wrong, journaling is really nice too, but unfortunately, my mom has a tendency to read through that so it's hard to really get my thoughts out. Shout out to Brewsters Cafe and TBT in general for having so much freedom and so many threads to talk about anything and everything!

 

[neoqueenserenity]

Sounds like you have a lot on your plate to think about and probably why your mental health is deteriorating at the moment. One way I deal with worry is to compartmentalize it into urgent and mild. Urgent worries are worries that need my immediate attention while mild worries are just worries that I keep at the back of my head and think about from time to time but not let it affect me. You're worried about your friends and family and that's a very normal thing for a decent person but worrying too much will not help you nor them because it will only deteriorate your own mental health and in return, the people you are worried about will start to worry about you. Try to lessen your worries by doing something productive like asking your friends to keep you inform of their whereabouts before and after a rally. You are still worried but atleast now you'll be less worried as you will be aware of their situations.

Remember to always look after yourself first and foremost, only when you are healthy and mentally sound can you be productive and helpful to people around you! You can ask your hubby to stop you if you start to overstress yourself from worrying. Take a deep breather and start to compartmentalize the worries by urgency and proceed based on urgency level. Do something productive that will lessen your worries. Stay safe and stay stong and I hope peace and harmony will return to America again!

Thank you for being so insightful and hearing me out. Some days my head gets to me worse than others. It's a great idea to try to sort my worries out and my put my energy where it's most needed. It probably easier said than done, but at least it gives me something to consider while trying to take care of myself. It means a lot!

Post automatically merged: Jun 8, 2020

I'm naturally a very people-needy person, and as a person with both ADHD and BPD (I describe that as similar to bipolar 2 due to the fact that few people in my life know what it is), the whole COVID thing has driven me all over the place.

I take ADHD meds which have been very effective at overall leveling down the extremes that come with BPD, but with the stress from schoolwork, planning out college applications, paying bills with my mother, and mourning my father, the ADHD meds haven't been as effective. I lose focus on what I should be doing and escape to Animal Crossing whilst sitting on the couch with my sister and watching youtube.

Being away from groups of people has taken its toll on my energy levels and I'm constantly exhausted on days that I don't take the medication. And as much as I need my IRL friends, I've found myself withdrawing from them ever since the passing of my dad, which hasn't helped my extrovert mentality at all.

The one good thing about being home all the time is that I've cared less about my appearance and taking care of every little blemish. I've always always been insecure about how I look [probably stems from being adopted into an all-white family in a VERY white area and never feeling like I fit in or could do anything to change my race to look like all the other beautiful blonde, long-legged girls] and would fuss with every imperfection until it got worse and went away. But I don't do a lot more than take my daily showers and brush my teeth these days, which has been good at making me focus less on imperfections and more on just being comfortable.

But, I do take 20 minutes a day to walk my dog, as who doesn't love some good ol' fashioned dopamine? And I try to combat being surrounded by so few people by spending more time near my mom and sister. And I'm on here quite often to give myself something to do that feels more relaxing and such. I'm proud to say that I haven't fallen into old coping habits that included some substance abuse and other forms of self-harm, but lord of lords, I miss my therapist!! (She moved away to Serbia :')). I am really grateful that this website exists though, so I can post semi-anonymously and not feel like a burden through posting on my Instagram or Snapchat or something.

Shout out to Mayor NG for posting this thread, it's nice to have a designated rant area to let these feelings and thoughts out. Don't get me wrong, journaling is really nice too, but unfortunately, my mom has a tendency to read through that so it's hard to really get my thoughts out. Shout out to Brewsters Cafe and TBT in general for having so much freedom and so many threads to talk about anything and everything!

Thanks for sharing. My father also struggled with Borderline as I was growing up, and surprisingly hid it very well. I'm sorry to hear you have to deal with that, on top of ADHD. Also, I'm glad you at least have your mother and sister for interaction with since you can't see your friends right now! Having some human contact is truly better than none, even if it's family. I'm sorry to hear about your dad, though :/ it's not easy losing people close to you. Bless his soul. It's wonderful you have your sister and mother to cope with as you are all experiencing the same thing.

I'm sure you are just as beautiful as those girls you've envied! Comparing yourself is one of the worst self-esteem hits, and I'm definitely guilty of comparing myself to other people as well appearance wise, but it truly gets us nowhere. There comes a time where you learn to flaunt what you got and love it! It takes time, but you're doing great by starting off not obsessing over the things you can't change about yourself and taking care of yourself as best as you can. :') it's little progress that counts

That's unfortunate that your journal doesn't stay private. Maybe a lock journal? Or even journaling online on a blog could work. Don't let your mom stray you away from journaling your most honest thoughts!

 

[Mayor Ng]

I'm naturally a very people-needy person, and as a person with both ADHD and BPD (I describe that as similar to bipolar 2 due to the fact that few people in my life know what it is), the whole COVID thing has driven me all over the place.

I take ADHD meds which have been very effective at overall leveling down the extremes that come with BPD, but with the stress from schoolwork, planning out college applications, paying bills with my mother, and mourning my father, the ADHD meds haven't been as effective. I lose focus on what I should be doing and escape to Animal Crossing whilst sitting on the couch with my sister and watching youtube.

Being away from groups of people has taken its toll on my energy levels and I'm constantly exhausted on days that I don't take the medication. And as much as I need my IRL friends, I've found myself withdrawing from them ever since the passing of my dad, which hasn't helped my extrovert mentality at all.

The one good thing about being home all the time is that I've cared less about my appearance and taking care of every little blemish. I've always always been insecure about how I look [probably stems from being adopted into an all-white family in a VERY white area and never feeling like I fit in or could do anything to change my race to look like all the other beautiful blonde, long-legged girls] and would fuss with every imperfection until it got worse and went away. But I don't do a lot more than take my daily showers and brush my teeth these days, which has been good at making me focus less on imperfections and more on just being comfortable.

But, I do take 20 minutes a day to walk my dog, as who doesn't love some good ol' fashioned dopamine? And I try to combat being surrounded by so few people by spending more time near my mom and sister. And I'm on here quite often to give myself something to do that feels more relaxing and such. I'm proud to say that I haven't fallen into old coping habits that included some substance abuse and other forms of self-harm, but lord of lords, I miss my therapist!! (She moved away to Serbia :')). I am really grateful that this website exists though, so I can post semi-anonymously and not feel like a burden through posting on my Instagram or Snapchat or something.

Shout out to Mayor NG for posting this thread, it's nice to have a designated rant area to let these feelings and thoughts out. Don't get me wrong, journaling is really nice too, but unfortunately, my mom has a tendency to read through that so it's hard to really get my thoughts out. Shout out to Brewsters Cafe and TBT in general for having so much freedom and so many threads to talk about anything and everything!

I'm not very familiar with what you are going through but I will try to relate with some parts.

"..the stress from schoolwork, planning out college applications, paying bills with my mother, and mourning my father... I lose focus on what I should be doing and escape to Animal Crossing..."
- Sounds like you have a lot on your plate and probably why meds don't work as well. The mind is more important than what most people give it credit for. It can make your health worse the more you stress about something regardless of how healthy your body is and it can also heal your body and defy scientific explanations, what we refer to as 'miracles'. Try separating different things you need to do on different times, do your college applications in the morning and then eat a proper meal during lunch before doing your schoolwork and paying bills with your mother. Mourn your father in the evening (I know it is a very trying time and you need to properly mourn your father, dedicate a certain amount of time for this purpose) and I express my deepest condolences. After all that, escape a little into Animal Crossing to make sure you are not too swamped by real life happenings.

"I've always always been insecure about how I look..."
- Environment can influence how we think. Don't think too much about how you want to be like everyone else so you could belong with everyone else. You are uniquely you. Celebrate your difference. You are you and not who people want you to be. Once you start living as yourself, you will only truly be able to live. You can never satisfy people because they will only come up with new expectations but if you stay true to yourself, there's nothing you can't do or be I'm half-Chinese and half-Thai, I have never completely fit with either the Chinese community or the Thai community but I accept that I am both as well as neither. My friends have strong impressions of me not because I was rude or mean or similar to everyone else but because I was different and understanding and I didn't try to be like anyone else.

"I'm proud to say that I haven't fallen into old coping habits that included some substance abuse and other forms of self-harm,.."
- I'm glad you stayed away from that!

I'm not an extroverted person, so I don't really relate with the need for other people but I hope spending more time with your mother and sister will help you. Feel free to continue using this thread for its purpose I hope it only gets easier for you here on out and hang in there! Stay safe, stay strong and most of all, take care of your precious mind!

 

[lyradelphie04]

@neoqueenserenity my hope is that as I age, I will be able to better hide it like your dad. I like the idea of journaling with some online blog thing, thank you for the idea and the sympathy :') ♡

@Mayor Ng I've never been good at organizing my time, but what you said makes a lot of sense. If it helps me to focus my mind on one thing at a specific time, then I definitely will. Having a designated time to think about my dad will probably help me avoid breaking down randomly in the day, I'm surprised I didn't even think of that. And saving Animal Crossing for after the work is something I should really prioritize!!
Also, what you said about accepting that you are both Chinese and Thai and yet neither is a belief I should begin incorporating into my thoughts.

Thank you both for the support and sympathy and encouragement and ideas. I appreciate that I was able to let it all out for a hot minute and received some kindness from y'all.

 

[Metal Scorpion]

I'm struggling with quite a few mental health issues: autism (high functioning/Asperger's), anxiety (both generalized and social) and ADHD.

 

[Mayor Ng]

I'm struggling with quite a few mental health issues: autism (high functioning/Asperger's), anxiety (both generalized and social) and ADHD.

Hang in there, stay strong and stay safe If you ever need a place to rant, feel free to come back and use this thread.

 

[acnh.eclipse]

Hi! I've been struggling with mental heath issues since I was 10, I grew up with VERY toxic friends. Every time I would have a panic attack, one of them would say "at least its not as bad as MY anxiety" or they would tell me how much worse their mental state was. This made think I was over-reacting, and every single day they would have a different diagnoses or a different phobia, it made my phobias and issues feel insignificant. In middle school another friend made it worse, they did the same thing, soon after I had developed a eating disorder and terrible insomnia. Now I know this isn't as bad as other peoples and way more people have worse trauma. Anyway after I graduated I went to a therapist and got diagnosed with: Anxiety (separation), I have recently been diagnosed with depression (due to the loss of my grandparent of COVID) and a randomly I have emetophobia! So yeah that's my mess of a brain.

 

[Mayor Ng]

Hi! I've been struggling with mental heath issues since I was 10, I grew up with VERY toxic friends. Every time I would have a panic attack, one of them would say "at least its not as bad as MY anxiety" or they would tell me how much worse their mental state was. This made think I was over-reacting, and every single day they would have a different diagnoses or a different phobia, it made my phobias and issues feel insignificant. In middle school another friend made it worse, they did the same thing, soon after I had developed a eating disorder and terrible insomnia. Now I know this isn't as bad as other peoples and way more people have worse trauma. Anyway after I graduated I went to a therapist and got diagnosed with: Anxiety (separation), I have recently been diagnosed with depression (due to the loss of my grandparent of COVID) and a randomly I have emetophobia! So yeah that's my mess of a brain.

"..one of them would say "at least its not as bad as MY anxiety" or they would tell me how much worse their mental state was."
- That's not a good comparison to make on their part nor a very effective comforting method

"..I had developed a eating disorder and terrible insomnia."
- Do you still suffer with them?

"Now I know this isn't as bad as other peoples and way more people have worse trauma"
- Everyone has their own problems and everyone's way of dealing and couping is different but it doesn't mean yours is insignificant or not as 'bad'.

I am guilty sometimes of trying to console someone by making them look at people that are less unfortunate and it is not a good way of consoling people. Everyone deserve to be recognized for their own problems and worries. I hope you find better friends and get over your eating disorder and insomnia. Glad that you have seen a therapist to help with your condition! My condolences about the loss of your grandparents... Hope you continue on your journey of healing and recovery. Stay safe and you're always welcomed to rant or express yourself on this thread