I'm naturally a very people-needy person, and as a person with both ADHD and BPD (I describe that as similar to bipolar 2 due to the fact that few people in my life know what it is), the whole COVID thing has driven me all over the place.
I take ADHD meds which have been very effective at overall leveling down the extremes that come with BPD, but with the stress from schoolwork, planning out college applications, paying bills with my mother, and mourning my father, the ADHD meds haven't been as effective. I lose focus on what I should be doing and escape to Animal Crossing whilst sitting on the couch with my sister and watching youtube.
Being away from groups of people has taken its toll on my energy levels and I'm constantly exhausted on days that I don't take the medication. And as much as I need my IRL friends, I've found myself withdrawing from them ever since the passing of my dad, which hasn't helped my extrovert mentality at all.
The one good thing about being home all the time is that I've cared less about my appearance and taking care of every little blemish. I've always always been insecure about how I look [probably stems from being adopted into an all-white family in a VERY white area and never feeling like I fit in or could do anything to change my race to look like all the other beautiful blonde, long-legged girls] and would fuss with every imperfection until it got worse and went away. But I don't do a lot more than take my daily showers and brush my teeth these days, which has been good at making me focus less on imperfections and more on just being comfortable.
But, I do take 20 minutes a day to walk my dog, as who doesn't love some good ol' fashioned dopamine? And I try to combat being surrounded by so few people by spending more time near my mom and sister. And I'm on here quite often to give myself something to do that feels more relaxing and such. I'm proud to say that I haven't fallen into old coping habits that included some substance abuse and other forms of self-harm, but lord of lords, I miss my therapist!! (She moved away to Serbia :')). I am really grateful that this website exists though, so I can post semi-anonymously and not feel like a burden through posting on my Instagram or Snapchat or something.
Shout out to Mayor NG for posting this thread, it's nice to have a designated rant area to let these feelings and thoughts out. Don't get me wrong, journaling is really nice too, but unfortunately, my mom has a tendency to read through that so it's hard to really get my thoughts out. Shout out to Brewsters Cafe and TBT in general for having so much freedom and so many threads to talk about anything and everything!
I'm not very familiar with what you are going through but I will try to relate with some parts.
"..the stress from schoolwork, planning out college applications, paying bills with my mother, and mourning my father... I lose focus on what I should be doing and escape to Animal Crossing..."
- Sounds like you have a lot on your plate and probably why meds don't work as well. The mind is more important than what most people give it credit for. It can make your health worse the more you stress about something regardless of how healthy your body is and it can also heal your body and defy scientific explanations, what we refer to as 'miracles'. Try separating different things you need to do on different times, do your college applications in the morning and then eat a proper meal during lunch before doing your schoolwork and paying bills with your mother. Mourn your father in the evening (I know it is a very trying time and you need to properly mourn your father, dedicate a certain amount of time for this purpose) and I express my deepest condolences. After all that, escape a little into Animal Crossing to make sure you are not too swamped by real life happenings.
"I've always always been insecure about how I look..."
- Environment can influence how we think. Don't think too much about how you want to be like everyone else so you could belong with everyone else. You are uniquely you. Celebrate your difference. You are you and not who people want you to be. Once you start living as yourself, you will only truly be able to live. You can never satisfy people because they will only come up with new expectations but if you stay true to yourself, there's nothing you can't do or be
I'm half-Chinese and half-Thai, I have never completely fit with either the Chinese community or the Thai community but I accept that I am both as well as neither. My friends have strong impressions of me not because I was rude or mean or similar to everyone else but because I was different and understanding and I didn't try to be like anyone else.
"I'm proud to say that I haven't fallen into old coping habits that included some substance abuse and other forms of self-harm,.."
- I'm glad you stayed away from that!
I'm not an extroverted person, so I don't really relate with the need for other people but I hope spending more time with your mother and sister will help you. Feel free to continue using this thread for its purpose
I hope it only gets easier for you here on out and hang in there! Stay safe, stay strong and most of all, take care of your precious mind!
I was blown away! Who was I? What choices in my life had actually been mine? Do I really like these things? Clothes? Music? Literally every aspect of my life I'm now looking back.... I have to scrutinize and re-examine my thoughts, feelings, and decisions. I have to make sure I'm aware and not burden friends etc into making me their puppet. Sometimes when I think about these things I get nauseous and disgusted with myself. ☹ I mean who am I? I don't like who I was before. But, that was a version of me that was created by others choices and opinions. I try to take it 1 day at a time. Be proud of the decisions that I make regardless of bad or good. Because they were mine. Mostly I'm sad sometimes angry for all the years I'd lost to figure out me. I'm not sure if this helps. I truly hope it does. Because I know that feeling of not knowing who I am. That feeling of who is/was this person. I'm also scared of who I may become. Will I like that person? I hope so.... Sorry for the long rant.
Couldn't have said it better, helping others and seeing them feel better does help make oneself feel better and less alone 
