Sexual Orientation & Gender Identity Support Thread

[cornimer]

I've been struggling with my gender identity as of late. I'm sorry if I don't use the correct terms or anything like that, english isn't my first language so if use anything offensive or that has a negative connotation I'm sorry, please correct me.
I'm an amab and I'm gay but I'm a bit lost tbh.
I've always been fine with identifying as a man, and I never really questionned it until quite recently.
I remember how, when I was a kid, I've always wanted to be a girl. But eventually I moved on after being bullied for being too feminine during middle school, and I kinda stopped... well, being me.
Now that I live alone, I've been more able to express my feminity using cheap clothing sites such as Vinted or Shein (don't blame me please I'm poor and clothes are way too expensive). I remember ordering my first pair of heels and my first dress and let me tell you, I've never felt more at ease with my body than after that. It also made me feel really good that the dress had padding, not in a weird way, just seeing my body like this made me feel so happy.
So I know I absolutely love """""feminine""""""" (I hate saying this, it's literally just fabric...) and cute clothes but I would never ever dare go outside like this, at least not in my current mental state.
I've thought about me maybe being trans or nb but I really don't know... I just don't care about gender that much, I just want to be inbetween with no set gender "rules" but I don't feel... legitimate... (?) to be identifying as something other than cis.
I'm sorry if I overshared kgfjldms I just feel safe talking about those things here.

Just wanted to say whatever gender identity feels best to you is absolutely legitamate! You don't have any obligation to be cis nor do you need a special pass to identify as trans or nb, gender is just a social construct and you can identify whichever way is most authentic to you

I really don't care about the concept of gender either which is why I ultimately decided that I feel best identifying as agender. I really just see myself as a person who likes what they like and doesn't need to be labelled.

 

[Stella-Io]

I've been struggling with my gender identity as of late. I'm sorry if I don't use the correct terms or anything like that, english isn't my first language so if use anything offensive or that has a negative connotation I'm sorry, please correct me.
I'm an amab and I'm gay but I'm a bit lost tbh.
I've always been fine with identifying as a man, and I never really questionned it until quite recently.
I remember how, when I was a kid, I've always wanted to be a girl. But eventually I moved on after being bullied for being too feminine during middle school, and I kinda stopped... well, being me.
Now that I live alone, I've been more able to express my feminity using cheap clothing sites such as Vinted or Shein (don't blame me please I'm poor and clothes are way too expensive). I remember ordering my first pair of heels and my first dress and let me tell you, I've never felt more at ease with my body than after that. It also made me feel really good that the dress had padding, not in a weird way, just seeing my body like this made me feel so happy.
So I know I absolutely love """""feminine""""""" (I hate saying this, it's literally just fabric...) and cute clothes but I would never ever dare go outside like this, at least not in my current mental state.
I've thought about me maybe being trans or nb but I really don't know... I just don't care about gender that much, I just want to be inbetween with no set gender "rules" but I don't feel... legitimate... (?) to be identifying as something other than cis.
I'm sorry if I overshared kgfjldms I just feel safe talking about those things here.

I'm almost in the same exact situation you described (thou I'm afab and pansexual) but other than that alot you have said I feel to. And tbh I also don't have a legit answer on what term to use. I've been using non-binary as an umbrella term for now, since it can also be used like that. I also avoid using any terms for myself cause idk which one 'fits'.

But the last part you said, you def are legitimate enough to want to identify as somethin other than cis. It's more than okay that you're fine with being seen as male to others while still wanting and doing things that aren't the typical 'male' stuff, and even doing more feminine things (I use these terms just as what it typically associated with them, clothes have no gender to them and you can wear whatever you want).

 

[Chris]

I've been struggling with my gender identity as of late. I'm sorry if I don't use the correct terms or anything like that, english isn't my first language so if use anything offensive or that has a negative connotation I'm sorry, please correct me.
I'm an amab and I'm gay but I'm a bit lost tbh.
I've always been fine with identifying as a man, and I never really questionned it until quite recently.
I remember how, when I was a kid, I've always wanted to be a girl. But eventually I moved on after being bullied for being too feminine during middle school, and I kinda stopped... well, being me.
Now that I live alone, I've been more able to express my feminity using cheap clothing sites such as Vinted or Shein (don't blame me please I'm poor and clothes are way too expensive). I remember ordering my first pair of heels and my first dress and let me tell you, I've never felt more at ease with my body than after that. It also made me feel really good that the dress had padding, not in a weird way, just seeing my body like this made me feel so happy.
So I know I absolutely love """""feminine""""""" (I hate saying this, it's literally just fabric...) and cute clothes but I would never ever dare go outside like this, at least not in my current mental state.
I've thought about me maybe being trans or nb but I really don't know... I just don't care about gender that much, I just want to be inbetween with no set gender "rules" but I don't feel... legitimate... (?) to be identifying as something other than cis.
I'm sorry if I overshared kgfjldms I just feel safe talking about those things here.

What you've described about not going out dressed in this way reminded me of someone I used to know. Two years ago I was involved with an incredibly sweet girl. A few months in she broke down crying one night and told me that she could only be a girl when she was with me; outside of what we had she lived an entirely different life as a seemingly cishet man and had a long-term girlfriend. She wasn't comfortable coming out in the "real world" yet and had met me in a space where she felt safe to be herself. She had been upfront with me from day one about being trans (aggressively so, she outright told me to **** off if I wasn't 100% onboard), so that wasn't an issue, and I wasn't happy to learn that she had been cheating on her girlfriend with me - but I felt bad for her that she felt she couldn't come out, and I understood why she did what she did, so instead of getting angry I just held her. I stayed in her life as a friend after that so she still had someone she could be herself around. I don't know what became of her, because I ended contact with her when I started dating someone new, but I hope that she feels more comfortable presenting as her true self now than she did back when I knew her. If she doesn't then I hope she is at least at peace with it.

Do you know why I explained all of that? Only presenting as female when she was alone in her apartment, and later when she was around me, didn't invalidate her gender identity. She felt she was a woman, therefore she was a woman, even if she had to present as her AGAB in her day-to-day life. Like her, however you choose to identify is valid.

There are many genders out there besides male and female. Some are a blend of both and others are outside of the gender binary altogether. Figuring out exactly where you fall can take years, but that's fine, you don't need to figure this out quickly (although it sure would be a weight off if it did work that way). Just keep in mind that not knowing what you are, or not outwardly presenting that way outside of your own home, doesn't make your gender identity any less valid than anyone else's.

 

[Hat']

What you've described about not going out dressed in this way reminded me of someone I used to know. Two years ago I was involved with an incredibly sweet girl. A few months in she broke down crying one night and told me that she could only be a girl when she was with me; outside of what we had she lived an entirely different life as a seemingly cishet man and had a long-term girlfriend. She wasn't comfortable coming out in the "real world" yet and had met me in a space where she felt safe to be herself. She had been upfront with me from day one about being trans (aggressively so, she outright told me to **** off if I wasn't 100% onboard), so that wasn't an issue, and I wasn't happy to learn that she had been cheating on her girlfriend with me - but I felt bad for her that she felt she couldn't come out, and I understood why she did what she did, so instead of getting angry I just held her. I stayed in her life as a friend after that so she still had someone she could be herself around. I don't know what became of her, because I ended contact with her when I started dating someone new, but I hope that she feels more comfortable presenting as her true self now than she did back when I knew her. If she doesn't then I hope she is at least at peace with it.

Do you know why I explained all of that? Only presenting as female when she was alone in her apartment, and later when she was around me, didn't invalidate her gender identity. She felt she was a woman, therefore she was a woman, even if she had to present as her AGAB in her day-to-day life. Like her, however you choose to identify is valid.

There are many genders out there besides male and female. Some are a blend of both and others are outside of the gender binary altogether. Figuring out exactly where you fall can take years, but that's fine, you don't need to figure this out quickly (although it sure would be a weight off if it did work that way). Just keep in mind that not knowing what you are, or not outwardly presenting that way outside of your own home, doesn't make your gender identity any less valid than anyone else's.

Wow that was so powerful... it really touched me!!! I hope she's okay too!

Thank you so much for your answers I understand that gender is such a diverse spectrum and I truly hope that one day I'll be able to fully express my identity to the world! I can only imagine how good that must feel. And of course that is what I wish to everybody in the same kind of situation!

 

[Holla]

Okay so I've known that I'm pansexual af since my junior year of high school (I know that can be seen as kinda 'late' to realize my sexuality but in my defense, I never gave dating and attraction preference alot of thought).

I don't think "figuring" out your sexuality is ever late. Only just last year (when I was 24) I found out I was asexual. I've always known I was different from "most" people, but I always just assumed I was Heterosexual as I still liked guys but it was never in a sexual way. Certain events made me question why I was so sex repulsed so that's why I landed on asexual. Fast forward to this year though and now that I'm 25 I know that I'm actually demisexual. I just needed to meet the right person basically. All past relationships I had I experienced zero attraction, but my most recent one has been different.

Safe to say you can "figure out/realize" your sexuality at any age and it's not ever late. It can always change in the future too as it's not always set in stone. All that matters is that you are true to you.

 

[Alienfish]

Safe to say you can "figure out/realize" your sexuality at any age and it's not ever late. It can always change in the future too as it's not always set in stone. All that matters is that you are true to you.

This this this. I also want to emphasize that it can definitely change, I mean sometime you figure out things as time goes by and your experiences can apply to that as well. This definitely doesn't need to be set in stone like you said and even if you're born one way you can definitely change and it's fine as long as it's YOU.

(From someone who took her time figuring out stuff but finally landed in bi).

 

[Lady Timpani]

I don't think "figuring" out your sexuality is ever late. Only just last year (when I was 24) I found out I was asexual. I've always known I was different from "most" people, but I always just assumed I was Heterosexual as I still liked guys but it was never in a sexual way. Certain events made me question why I was so sex repulsed so that's why I landed on asexual. Fast forward to this year though and now that I'm 25 I know that I'm actually demisexual. I just needed to meet the right person basically. All past relationships I had I experienced zero attraction, but my most recent one has been different.

Safe to say you can "figure out/realize" your sexuality at any age and it's not ever late. It can always change in the future too as it's not always set in stone. All that matters is that you are true to you.

I'm 24 rn and starting to think I might be somewhere on the ace spectrum myself haha. Either way I definitely relate to a lot of those in here questioning. Based on what I've seen a lot of LGBT+ folks find new identifiers they're comfortable with over time, so never feel ashamed if you realize a certain label doesn't suit you anymore.

 

[Chris]

Based on what I've seen a lot of LGBT+ folks find new identifiers they're comfortable with over time

This is absolutely true. I first knew I wasn't cishet in 2003 and came out in 2006. The terms I have identified with since then have changed a number of times. Even now I'm not 100% certain.

 

[Croconaw]

I think members of LGBT+ just realize they’re not cis-straight. I know that for a long time, I didn’t know what I was, but I knew I wasn’t straight. I finally came to terms with an identifier that resonates with me, but it’s absolutely okay if it takes some people a little longer. I usually just say I’m part of the rainbow, rather than using a specific term, since I too have realized that the members of the community change their identifiers overtime.

 

[neoratz]

edit SRRY i got too embarrassed about being vent-y. really appreciate the thread though. thank you everyone for sharing your experiences

 

[tessa grace]

so my mom basically outed me to my dad and..... yeah it's going just as well as I expected it to

I'm not really mad that she outed me. I didn't tell her that she could tell my dad but I was already gonna tell him right before I left for my trip so I don't really care. what really bothers me is how he took it.

Spoiler: message he sent my mom

he's basically treating this like:
1. this is something that they "brainwashed into me at school"
2. this is something that literally just came up and it's like a trend
3. it's abuse
4. it's something that I will deeply regret later in my life

I honestly have no words for this. I underestimated how ****ing ignorant and selfish he can be. if I become suicidal it'll be his fault and no one elses.

This is heartbreaking, I'm so sorry to see that things like this happen to people. I hope you're doing okay. So many people on this thread love you and seriously, if you ever need to rant, I'm here.

I also wanted to say that as somebody who advocates for lgbtqia+ rights, I've been doing pride drawings often this month, and it's been a blast! Once I get on my phone later I'll post photos, but it's been so fun to draw my friends and just random sketches of different flags and such.

 

[cornimer]

I think members of LGBT+ just realize they’re not cis-straight

This is definitely true for me at least. The only thing I've ever been 100% sure of is that I'm not attracted to men haha.

 

[xSuperMario64x]

I'm having a bit of a dilemma and I'd like advice.

I'm thinking of sharing info about myself with friends and family on Facebook. I've considered this ever since I came out to my mom, and the longer I have to live my old life the worse I feel. I want the new me to be out and about to everybody, so I don't have to hide myself and pretend to be someone I'm not.

only thing is I'm worried about the statistics that say that trans* people are much more likely to be assaulted or even killed than cis people. I doubt that anyone whom I know would assault me but I worry about other random people targeting me if I'm openly trans.

of course I wouldn't make a big deal out of it, once I'm out to everyone and they all know my preferred name/pronouns I'll prob just be more comfortable with myself and not need to be so open about it. I just wonder if I should express that it's been a somewhat lonely/scary experience and I would love to find some support from friends/family (another reason why I want to tell them, most people im friends with have expressed that they would support me no matter what, not specifically with lgbt+ issues but in general).

idk I'm just afraid of being targeted by some random transphobes, I want to live my life and be comfortable with who I am and I don't want to be afraid. I also really want to tell people who I actually am, so that I can adjust to my true self more easily. I've been having lots of dysphoria for a while and I'd like to try to ease it. if people want to complain or unfriend me then that's their own issue, I have family who would love/protect me no matter what.


so I guess I'm wondering, if I do make a post like that what kind of precautions should I take? should I put some words in there about requesting support from friends/family? I know im gonna have to leave a few people out of the post (as in hide it from their view) though they might find out another way. but I just want to stay safe while also letting people know what's going on.

 

[Croconaw]

—

Correct me if I’m wrong, but isn’t there a feature on Facebook that restricts your posts to friends only? There are lots of people on Facebook that don’t have the best intentions, and I think it’s not that uncommon to restrict who sees your posts and other information, such as your bio, workplace, etcetera.

I think posting your personal experiences and coming out will help someone and encourage them to do the same. Maybe someone is thinking about coming out or questioning their identity, and reading about your experiences will help them. I don’t think it has to be this big, public thing, but someone you know may need to hear it. It may even give you a clearer understanding of yourself.

 

[xSuperMario64x]

Correct me if I’m wrong, but isn’t there a feature on Facebook that restricts your posts to friends only? There are lots of people on Facebook that don’t have the best intentions, and I think it’s not that uncommon to restrict who sees your posts and other information, such as your bio, workplace, etcetera.

I think posting your personal experiences and coming out will help someone and encourage them to do the same. Maybe someone is thinking about coming out or questioning their identity, and reading about your experiences will help them. I don’t think it has to be this big, public thing, but someone you know may need to hear it. It may even give you a clearer understanding of yourself.

I actually have my facebook profile set so that only my friends can see it anyways, so unless I manually make a post public no one can see it except those whom I'm friends with. I was referring to people whom I am friends with and prob still shouldn't see the post, mostly really old people who are very set in their ways and are irreparably transphobic. they will prob figure out eventually but if I know they prob won't support me then why should I tell them?

yeah it's not gonna be this big thing. I would just gently tell people "hey btw i'm a non-binary trans man, these are my pronouns, ask questions if needed", maybe ask for compassion/support, and leave it at that. I have a quote that I have lived by ever since I came out in April: "This is who I am, it's only a big deal if you make it a big deal." if they want to make a big deal about it then that's their own problem. those who care will still love me. I might also attach an article I found on being a good trans ally, for those who care.

 

[Croconaw]

I actually have my facebook profile set so that only my friends can see it anyways, so unless I manually make a post public no one can see it except those whom I'm friends with. I was referring to people whom I am friends with and prob still shouldn't see the post, mostly really old people who are very set in their ways and are irreparably transphobic. they will prob figure out eventually but if I know they prob won't support me then why should I tell them?

yeah it's not gonna be this big thing. I would just gently tell people "hey btw i'm a non-binary trans man, these are my pronouns, ask questions if needed", maybe ask for compassion/support, and leave it at that. I have a quote that I have lived by ever since I came out in April: "This is who I am, it's only a big deal if you make it a big deal." if they want to make a big deal about it then that's their own problem. those who care will still love me. I might also attach an article I found on being a good trans ally, for those who care.

If someone makes a rude comment about it or doesn’t like it, let them. It’s like the trash taking itself out. You don’t need to be surrounded by the negativity. Being family doesn’t justify someone being close minded and bigoted.

You can surround yourself with people that love and support you. If you want to post about it, I’d say to go for it.

 

[cornimer]

Does anyone have experience with or advice on getting coworkers to call you by a different name? I've been wanting to stop using my legal first name for months but every time I work up some courage to say something, I chicken out a few hours later. The people I work with are pretty open-minded, but I'm just worried about confusing them/stressing them out with the change (and I have social anxiety so I'm not sure if I have it in me to constantly be correcting them if they forget).

 

[xSuperMario64x]

Does anyone have experience with or advice on getting coworkers to call you by a different name? I've been wanting to stop using my legal first name for months but every time I work up some courage to say something, I chicken out a few hours later. The people I work with are pretty open-minded, but I'm just worried about confusing them/stressing them out with the change (and I have social anxiety so I'm not sure if I have it in me to constantly be correcting them if they forget).

ya know I had to tell my mom and a few others that I go by a different name, and it felt awkward to me bc I've gone by the same name basically my whole life (although the name I go by now was supposed to be my original name, and it's my middle name so it's not too big a deal) but honestly everyone I've told so far hasn't made a big deal out of it. the only thing is it's easy to get frustrated if they forget or mess up; personally that only offends me if they don't apologize or realize that they said something wrong. so far the only person who is kinda making a big deal out of it in my life is my dad but I've kinda brushed that aside for now.

but yeah if theyre pretty open minded then it should be fine

 

[Firesquids]

Does anyone have experience with or advice on getting coworkers to call you by a different name? I've been wanting to stop using my legal first name for months but every time I work up some courage to say something, I chicken out a few hours later. The people I work with are pretty open-minded, but I'm just worried about confusing them/stressing them out with the change (and I have social anxiety so I'm not sure if I have it in me to constantly be correcting them if they forget).

I had a co-worker who is nonbinary who went though a similar thing. They talked to the manager who brought it up (very respectfully) at the next meeting to the whole staff that they use they/them pronouns, and no one had a problem with it. Not everybody really understood (especially those who spoke English as a second language) but they all made an effort to use the correct pronouns.
When you feel comfortable enough you should definitely go for it and ask to be called by your preferred name.

 

[cornimer]

^^ Thank you both so much for sharing, it made me feel better to hear about two pretty positive experiences! I finally got the confidence today to message my team in our group chat about it, and omg I got like 10 nice replies within 3 minutes! I'm really lucky to have such great colleagues