What's Bothering You?

Got a phone call about 3pm yesterday saying that my grandmother had just had a (presumed) heart attack and didn't make it. My grandad (divorced) got there to find three ambulances and a rapid response unit outside her house. She was already gone. I'd already committed to game hosting/streaming for the TBTWC between 5pm-8pm last night so managed to put it to the back of my mind for a bit and power through. Woke-up this morning and it's finally started to sink in that she's gone. Feeling defeated/numb.
Update on this situation: my aunt had a breakdown after my gran died, made some bad rash decisions, and is now in the hospital. She's highly likely going to need surgery.
 
back in Dec-Jan I went on a spending spree and bought a bunch of plushies that I really liked. many of them have been sitting in my closet here at the dorm for well over a month now. and just today I've made a realization about them

a bit of bg info, so today I'm feeling better than I have for the last few days/weeks because I know I'm in the homestretch and in about two weeks I'll be completely done with my bachelor's degree. I feel like I can finally breathe for once. though I still have a few things to do, like be in two more music performances, write three papers and study for final exams, it's nothing I can't handle (the performances are with ensembles and not solo so that takes pressure off, and the papers are relatively short, two are 4 pages and one is prob 900-1000 words so 2 pages). basically I'm not feeling as stressed out anymore and thus I'm not dealing with most of the issues that come with that much stress.

my realization is--and idk how I didn't explicitly realize this earlier--that I tend to spend a lot of money when I'm stressed/depressed. I think it gives me a bit of that serotonin/dopamine boost when I buy stuff. it gives me a sense of control, I guess. so anyways when I was home for winter break I was feeling overly depressed (I was basically dysthymic) and I think because of that I just had the constant impulse to buy stuff. I probably spent at least $200, maybe more, when I was on break. quite a bit of that money went towards plushies, mostly Webkinz (without codes) that I found online and really liked.

so now I look at all these plushies I bought and I'm just thinking.... do I really need all of these? I'm kinda getting to the point now where I'd really like to start saving my money since I have to start paying back my student loans this Novemeber and I'd like to be able to do it without my parents' help. I hate to say it but I think I may have wasted my money on most of these plushies. don't get me wrong, there are a few I bought which I adore and would never sell (like the regular and "signature" arctic fox plushies I bought, the reg was 50 cents and the "signature" was about $32 but that's a purchase I still don't regret). but thinking about it now I might sell most of them. I could even make a bit of profit since I'm a natural bargain hunter and I got quite a few of these for a pretty low price (I got four Webkinz Signatures for like $40 and I could sell them for $15-30 a piece).

I think I need to do this with a lot of stuff I have, not just the plushies. I don't want to hoard stuff and if I'm not using it then I need to get rid of it. I've enjoyed my time in this dorm because I've been able to leave a slot of stuff behind for a while and enjoy having a not-so-crowded room. I have a lot of childhood stuff I need to donate or sell, and some of it can even honestly go in the trash.

I'm hoping I can get out of my "spending money so I don't feel unhappy anymore" phase of my life. I don't actually know if things will start to change. I'm afraid that when I go back home I'm gonna be unhappy again because it really just sucks there so much. it's not an environment to facilitate good mental health at all. I might have to write a note for myself and tell people to keep me from spending so much money. I need to learn to appreciate what I have but that's so hard to do with depression.


(also in case anyone is wondering, no I don't consider me spending $75 on that SM64 complete in box set a bad purchase. I'm still overjoyed that I finally own it and it's one of my favorite things I've ever bought, so I don't regret it at all.)
 
I had a stressful day at work and whilst I’m happy to be home I can’t help but feel utterly deflated and alone in my thoughts and feelings right now. Fun times. 😕
 
Stuck on hold for estimated wait time over an hour, the music is terrible and I can't lower the volume any lower 😤 I've been procrastinating making this call for over a week because I knew it was gonna suck and it sure does 👍
 

i’m really sorry to hear this. :( sending you and your family positive thoughts and wishes.

Really depressed and still upset about something as well as needing to pack up my room to paint. Our house is a mess and everything is out of place and I just hate this. I am feeling better than I was yesterday but I am still beyond pissed. I can’t though keep having panic attacks. :/ Sad that things can’t work out but I have tried and made myself sick in the process for one of the things. I wish I could talk about it but at the same time, idk maybe it’s better to keep it for myself. i talked to my counselor about it and while it was nice she listened i felt like it just made me more upset. same with the painting.

also was upset yesterday my mom told the painters i have asperger’s. she said when they saw i had a lot of stuff they made looks, but idk, they don’t need to know that. she could have just said i have anxiety. so what i have a ton of stuff.

would be nice if she tried to understand me more and realized when i said idc about the paint that i was mad or when i said i don’t want it painted to leave it at that. the painters said my room was in good shape.
 
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got a microscopic paper cut right on my knuckle while trying to get my string for kandi making. got a band aid on it mostly cus it's gonna hit everything with where it is.

and i hate desktop spotify's new layout so much, give me the old one back!!!
 
I have another annoying headache today ugh. Work has also been a bit stressful making me not as productive so I’ve been putting in extra hours while not clocking in to make up for it and it’s making me exhausted.
 
my best friend of 5 years has been treating me like absolute ****. she always has but when she got a bf like 6 months ago she completely stopped trying to hang out with me and it was like i didnt matter to her anymore. i used to always hear about her talking **** about me like every day at school and i would just brush it off because she's my best friend, yk? but i just found out she's been hacking my account for like years and reading all my ****ing messages. I was complaining about her because i was frustrated but only to some people i trust 100% and she hacked my account and saw it and told her mom and tried to call MY mom and tell my mom and she told her boyfriend and made up a bunch of stuff saying ive been ignoring her and she made up some stuff that i actually didnt say and she's going everywhere telling people and no one's listening to me anymore. I hate her. She's been so horrible to me and she's already making up lies and spreading them everywhere to victimize herself. I dont know what to do but we aren't friends anymore. This is too much ****ing stress i cant.

She never told me she was hacking me.. I never even gave her my password..
 
Some old lady yelled at my partner and I in the Wal-Mart parking lot. She said we left a shopping cart on the side walk, blocking her way cause she had a disability walker but we never even had a shopping cart. We carried our bags out from the store so the shopping cart was genuinely not ours. She called us liars and was like "I saw you leave that cart" and then other people started to stare at us so we all just walked away. It was really embarrassing. I hate being yelled at by strangers, especially when I was telling the truth :confused:
 
So my mom broke the bottom of one of my anime figures idk when but found she must’ve broke it again since now it won’t even stand and pieces on the feet are both missing. so pissed
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My mom keeps banging my books - a lot of collector’s stuff and even the non collector’s stuff down. i told her to be careful and she is like do you want to do it yourself. i appreciate the help but you already broke an expensive figure twice and i want the edges of my books and my books not to have any wear or tear. i hate this. i never asked to move to have my room done. since my say isn’t important... not going to say but just feeling like crap now :/

I tried talking to my mom about it and the fact i would’ve liked to had a say in the painting and moving and oof. got a lot of intrusive thoughts now :/. i said i wasn’t blaming her event though i said it in the post for breaking my thing but okay now i am really mad. just f.
 
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I don't want to leave and go back to my family's home. I wanna stay here. With The Dude. People love me here.

Hopefully this will be the last summer that I stay with my family. By next summer, I hope I can afford living on my own. El Duderino's been helping me figure things out. Still, just a bit bummed.
 
the danganronpa fandom is so toxic I swear, the tags on Instagram are constantly being spammed with .. not so good stuff and I REALLY want to leave the fandom cause I don't wanna see all that but it's so hard to leave for some reason
 
My headache from earlier is getting worse. I really want to call my boyfriend tonight… I still plan on it but I’ll probably have to cut it short. I’ve already taken some medication to help but it’s only marginally made me feel better.
 
I feel drained and am pretty depressed still even though I had a really good time watching some streams. just not looking forward to the painting and I hate all my stuff not being in my room. Tomorrow is should be done but, i never wanted it done. what my mom said today really touched a nerve. And then i’m still feeling like crap about something and not being able to say anything (not that talking would help at this point or before) about it.

And my phone is charging less and less and keeps uncharging when i move my phone while charging it. i really don’t want to go out and get a nee phone yet i may have too. didn’t have good customer service last time i went there.
 
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