back in Dec-Jan I went on a spending spree and bought a bunch of plushies that I really liked. many of them have been sitting in my closet here at the dorm for well over a month now. and just today I've made a realization about them
a bit of bg info, so today I'm feeling better than I have for the last few days/weeks because I know I'm in the homestretch and in about two weeks I'll be completely done with my bachelor's degree. I feel like I can finally breathe for once. though I still have a few things to do, like be in two more music performances, write three papers and study for final exams, it's nothing I can't handle (the performances are with ensembles and not solo so that takes pressure off, and the papers are relatively short, two are 4 pages and one is prob 900-1000 words so 2 pages). basically I'm not feeling as stressed out anymore and thus I'm not dealing with most of the issues that come with that much stress.
my realization is--and idk how I didn't explicitly realize this earlier--that I tend to spend a lot of money when I'm stressed/depressed. I think it gives me a bit of that serotonin/dopamine boost when I buy stuff. it gives me a sense of control, I guess. so anyways when I was home for winter break I was feeling overly depressed (I was basically dysthymic) and I think because of that I just had the constant impulse to buy stuff. I probably spent at least $200, maybe more, when I was on break. quite a bit of that money went towards plushies, mostly Webkinz (without codes) that I found online and really liked.
so now I look at all these plushies I bought and I'm just thinking.... do I really need all of these? I'm kinda getting to the point now where I'd really like to start saving my money since I have to start paying back my student loans this Novemeber and I'd like to be able to do it without my parents' help. I hate to say it but I think I may have wasted my money on most of these plushies. don't get me wrong, there are a few I bought which I adore and would never sell (like the regular and "signature" arctic fox plushies I bought, the reg was 50 cents and the "signature" was about $32 but that's a purchase I still don't regret). but thinking about it now I might sell most of them. I could even make a bit of profit since I'm a natural bargain hunter and I got quite a few of these for a pretty low price (I got four Webkinz Signatures for like $40 and I could sell them for $15-30 a piece).
I think I need to do this with a lot of stuff I have, not just the plushies. I don't want to hoard stuff and if I'm not using it then I need to get rid of it. I've enjoyed my time in this dorm because I've been able to leave a slot of stuff behind for a while and enjoy having a not-so-crowded room. I have a lot of childhood stuff I need to donate or sell, and some of it can even honestly go in the trash.
I'm hoping I can get out of my "spending money so I don't feel unhappy anymore" phase of my life. I don't actually know if things will start to change. I'm afraid that when I go back home I'm gonna be unhappy again because it really just sucks there so much. it's not an environment to facilitate good mental health at all. I might have to write a note for myself and tell people to keep me from spending so much money. I need to learn to appreciate what I have but that's so hard to do with depression.
(also in case anyone is wondering, no I don't consider me spending $75 on that SM64 complete in box set a bad purchase. I'm still overjoyed that I finally own it and it's one of my favorite things I've ever bought, so I don't regret it at all.)