Heh, bit of a can of worms, but I'll try...
I think the best way I can describe myself is spiritual Christian? I'm not too fond of any sort of religious doctrine controlled by other humans, especially as there's been a lot of abuse of power stories emerging. My bf was horrendously abused at school by the priests or vicars (not sure of the titles) who ran the school (private school in the uk). This turned him off religion completely and I get that. My story is longer and different.
I was born into a largely atheist family and I mean VERY atheist. My dad hates religion, but I remember how uncomfortable I used to feel when he went off on one of his angry rants about it. I was afraid of my dad's violent temper, so would never dare say this. I wasn't Christened/Baptised, even as a baby and still haven't been. We never went to church as a family, unless my school choir was singing there maybe and even then my dad would be unlikely to show. For reasons I will never understand, my mum sent me to Catholic pre-school and then Church of England primary school. The pre-school was run by nuns and the primary school run by a headmaster who later left to become a Baptist minister, so he was very religious. But he was a truly lovely, kind and understanding man and I think I took a lot of my guidance from him in that respect.
When I was a troubled teen, an older man sort of took me and a bunch of other kids under his wing. We all lived in abusive homes, so we would've clung to any adult willing to provide us shelter (and cigs and alcohol) and "look out for us". Unfortunately he was also abusive, just not in the ways we had to deal with at home, at least not at first. He manipulated us all, often turning us against each other. He was sexually abusive, particularly to my best friend (14 at the time) and thought it was appropriate to hit us for "talking to boys in the park". I still have a scar on my chest where he burned me with a cigarette, though I am unsure if it was accidental to be fair. It hardly matters anyway, because a few years later he did the worst thing possible - savagely murdered my best friend and her toddler son (whom he fathered). I will never ever get over that. But in terms of religion, he would psychologically scare us with interpretations (particularly Revelations) about how we would all be going to hell. I did reach out to a vicar about it who wrote me a nice letter, giving a better explanation of things. I am grateful he did that. Just wish my friend had escaped too.
I was then kinda loosely Christian? When I had left home I began attending church on Sunday. It became harder after I moved elsewhere and so much bad stuff happened that I think my faith waivered. But I did still believe and would go to church occasionally.
Then I met a man who later became my husband. He was Muslim. At first it seemed this was fine as Muslim men are allowed to marry Christian women. But just before marriage, his family began putting pressure on me to convert to Islam. It felt so wrong and hurt me deeply that they wouldn't understand or respect my wishes to not do this, because it felt wrong to me. I was accused of being racist (they were Pakistani), disrespecting their culture and told the wedding would have to be called off unless I converted. I wasn't disrespectful at all, ever. I made sure to dress how they preferred around them and stood up for them against actual hate from groups like the EDL, who were a big problem here at that time. I had zero intention of ever pushing my own faith on my husband and was fully respectful of his faith. I ended up relenting and converting though, which I did in front of an Imam, in a language I don't understand with tears running down my face. I never really got over it. The marriage didn't last, cos why would it? But I felt horrible for so long and still do kinda, though we've been separated for a couple of years and officially divorced now and my life is a lot better than it was. This is not to say every Muslim community behaves like they did. A good friend of mine is also a Muslim, but far more liberal and wouldn't push it on anyone else. I wouldn't ever be disrespectful to Islam, it's just not my personal belief.
I feel now I am back to openly leaning towards my heart which leans towards Christianity, but on a more spiritual level atm. I am yet to find any sort of church I would feel completely ok in (and it hasn't been possible with covid anyway), but then someone once said to me that he'd rather be on his motorbike thinking about God than in church thinking about his bike. I think that makes sense to me.
Jesus was a great guy right? I mean we could ALL learn from him. Kindness towards others, even those who you may disapprove of is HARD at times, but he showed it was possible time and time again, so when people say how "all religion is horrible" I don't think that's fair or true. Some people take things the wrong way and misinterpret things, but they're to be ignored.
I have toyed with the idea of God being more of a force than a person and maybe that force is LOVE. We all seek love. We all seek salvation through love. Maybe God is love and it's bigger than we can imagine? I hope that makes sense. I used to be afraid of never feeling that, but I realised there was someone who absolutely loved me unconditionally - my son. Now imagine that love is an element of God; that's how I feel.
I hope this all makes sense. Thanks for reading it if you did, I hope I didn't upset or offend anyone x