The Internet's Worst Advice Column

[moonolotl]

pee in the water lol
(im crying that joke was terrible)

My cat doesnt love me, how do I force him to love me?

 

[Clock]

You force yourself to love him as much so he will love you more
Bad joke
How do I learn how to fish in real life?

 

[Bread Kennedys]

You jump in the water and grab fish with your bare hands. Maybe even use your mouth if you're feeling a little adventurous.

How should I confess my feelings to a girl I'm interested in?

 

[Car]

Careless whisper blasting in her driveway at 3am : o )

I can't open this jar of bees send help

 

[Clock]

Throw the jar of bees on the floor
How do I take good care of a pet?

 

[moonolotl]

prison.

Help! all my food is moldy!

 

[Llunavale]

No problem. You can clean most of your moldy food by simply washing them in a swimming pool of chlorinated water. I've also heard soaking them in Coca Cola helps.

I've got a paper due on Monday, but I'm all out paper.

 

[cony]

Digital paper is the way to go. Tell your teachers everyone must make more effort to save the planet and go digital!
I can't decide if I should get another peppy, Bunnie or get a personality I don't have which is lazy, Bones.

 

[moonolotl]

get harry
only harry

How do i do the dishes quicker?

 

[Llunavale]

Bit of fairy liquid on your dishes. Blast with fire hose.*
*Unbroken dishes not guaranteed.

What time is the best time to tell the time when someone asks for the time?

 

[moonolotl]

adventure time 2:30
you're hurting my brain

How do i make sure the people i kidnapped dont escape?
this is a joke i didnt kidnap anyone-

 

[Kadori]

make them vegetables

how do I stop myself from playing ACNH??

 

[Llunavale]

This ones a doozy. It's all about brain training. Any time you want to play ACNH, you play for less time and at the end of each session reward yourself with a cookie. Start with an hour, eat a cookie. Then 50 minutes, eat a cookie. Repeat until you no longer play ACNH, you simply eat cookies.*
*Addiction to cookies as per following this advice is not my responsibility. Eating cookies at the mention of Animal Crossing highly likely. Craving cookies at the thought of bells is a possibility. To reverse the effects of cookie addicition, reward yourself with some ACNH in place of eating a cookie until all you do is play ACNH...

What do I name a game about rescuing kittens from dungeons?

 

[Dormire]

Kitty Rescue

Help! I've fallen and I can't get up!

 

[cannedcommunism]

then lie there.

why are my feet gradually turning green

 

[moonolotl]

shrek has infected you, there is no hope

how do i cure my headache?

 

[Dormire]

Go to bed and sleep. Then dream about cats riding flying burgers.

Help! How can I find Waldo?

 

[Jas]

he has already found you

i don't want to make dinner but i'm hungry! what should i do?

 

[Clock]

Go in your pantry and look for the nearest edible item and eat it without cooking it.
How do I make my internet speed faster?

 

[moonolotl]

put it on a treadmil and it'll eventually have better stamina

i just burned my tongue on hot mac and cheese help!!!!