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What's Bothering You?

the funeral hasn't even started yet and I'm already in tears, I didn't bring any tissues either. this is gonna be a really difficult day 😞

edit: I have a bad headache now because I couldn't help but cry. thank goodness I left Sterling in the car bc I def need him rn.
 
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i was going to clean my cat's litter box, and there was a centipede or something on the towel her box is on top of. i have a massive fear of any bug that squirms or is like a worm, so i lost my mind. my younger brother had to kill it for me. 😅 there are people outside talking with my father right now, so they probably heard me screaming at the top of my lungs.
 
my grandma is in a rehab facility for her arthritis and she wants my dad to go pick her up even though she’s not supposed to be released yet. there has been fights between my grandma and my mom, my grandma says that my mom is forcing her to stay at the rehab facility because she doesn’t want her to come home. she blames my mom for everything, she’s begging the nursing staff to come home. she says if we don’t pick her up her friend will but i know security won’t let her. i can tell my grandma is very mentally unstable, i think she’s bipolar or something because one moment she’s asking us about dinner and the next she’s yelling at us and insulting my mom. she refuses to recognize that there’s something wrong with her and i believe she’s starting to get dementia too. she will refuse to get help and i know there’s going to be a massive fight. she won’t listen to me, my dad or anybody. she’s raising a ruckus among the staff, they had to call people off from work to figure out what to do.
 
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After having no issues with neighbors someone moved in a month ago that stomps their feet at all hours of the day/night and it's affected my work from home/sleep/general mood (I'm ND and very sensitive to sounds). They did this for about a week and it mysteriously stopped, but then they came back like a week ago. No idea why they were gone for a whole month. Also, they're teeny tiny studio apartments. Smaller than a dorm room. Where do they keep walking back and forth to when you can almost reach anything from one spot??
I would really hate to have to start spending money to get out of my apartment (eg. to go a café or an internet café) because of my neighbor's actions but it's making me difficult to accomplish things and stay in a good mood. The library in town has very limited hours and when I've gone there there were always old men being loud so that wouldn't work either
 
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I went to a funeral today for my late grandfather and late uncle. Obviously I cried buckets, and I hate crying in front of people but I did anyways. Instead I dug my nails into my skin (which is a bad habit I picked up recently), so now I have a bunch more marks. :( What I'm pissed about is how long it took. I woke up at 8 AM and went to my grandma's house at 9 AM, staying there until 11:30 AM when we left. It took us over an hour to get to the funeral home, which was in Montreal. And it took three hours before the service actually started. What the heck happened? We went to a buffet afterwards, which was nice but I feel that we spent more time there than needed; The adults were having a looong conversation after eating and I just wanted to go to the car and sleep. We drove back, but instead of going to my house, we went back to my grandma's. Listen, I love my grandma, but I just really wanted to go home and nobody understood that. Anyway, I went back home at 9 PM. What a crap day, I'm so glad to be back and that I can finally relax.
 
mods please delete this if it's considered inappropriate.

i hate how sexualized little-space/being little is, to the point where it's what people immediately think of when they hear the terms, because it makes me really hate myself for potentially identifying that way lmao, and i just refuse to acknowledge the possibility instead.
 
It's 1 in the morning and my cat was screaming at another cat outside. She woke my entire family up along with me. I'm shocked they didn't throw her out.
 
I feel dumb for telling my professor and study group members that I was dropping the class. I might have gotten behind, but it’s not something to give up over. The term is more than halfway over, so I might as well stick with it. This is going to be really hard…
 
What a boring ESC it was basically bound to happen lol. I mean I probably would have liked Ukraine's entry if they could have dropped those rapping parts. I am allergic to rap-pop/rock stuff lol. Also the fact Moldova got such a high score. And UK was just.. ehhh.
 
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you and I both had a rough day.
my grandpa's funeral was yesterday afternoon and it feels so weird to be visiting family here and not visiting him. covid made it really difficult to go visit him (he lived in southern Ohio and it was a two and a half hour drive from where we live) and he had dementia for the last 2-3 years so talking to him on the phone was difficult. seeing the vase on the table at the funeral and knowing that his ashes were in there just tore me up. I have some stuff to remember him by (a few of his eagle statues and some pictures) and I know that he wasn't doing very well so it was for the best, but I still miss him a lot.

this whole thing has made my anxiety out of control. I know I've said this here recently but I'm so afraid of losing any of my loved ones, be it friends, family, or pets. the more people I lose the worse I feel about it and I can't handle it. just knowing I won't be able to talk to them or visit them anymore, knowing they can't do anything or enjoy the things they love doing anymore, hurts so much. I can't stop thinking about it. it's made worse that my mom's health is so bad, she's okay for now but how much longer does she have? and I understand that she wouldn't be in constant pain anymore but she means so much to me and I don't want to lose her. my cat Molly is 9 years old now and I worry about losing her every single day, after I lost Daisy over 3 years ago I was shattered and it's not any easier now. my kitten is only a year old and I worry about losing her. my anxiety is rampant and it wont stop. only thing I can do to make it stop is not think about it. that's hard to do when I keep losing people though.
 
Wish people could buy my eggs lol. I'd rather not do another giveaway cause I need *some* bells at least...
 
another smaller funeral service for my grandma today. she had a funeral when she passed in 2012, down in Mississippi where she lived. I didn't get to go to her service because it was so sudden and I was still in school. can't believe it was 10 years ago, I was one month short of 13 years when she passed. I know my mom was devastated, and still is. I think she's really happy to have me, and ofc I'm really happy to have her as well. I'm grateful to have both of my parents still. I hope they know how much I appreciate them.


well, both of my maternal grandparents are at rest now. I'm not very religious but I hope they're doing alright wherever they are. if there is a God I hope he's keeping them safe.

it's been a really difficult weekend but it's all done. now we can head home and resume life.

edit: I hope I'm not asking for much but I would love some virtual hugs right about now, life's hard rn and I would appreciate it sm.
 
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