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What's Bothering You?

I hate my brother. I don't hate him enough to the point where I want him dead, but honestly I just wanna avoid him for the rest of my life. Lately I feel like he's finding ways to intentionally hurt me. He finds out that I'm insecure about my weight, and what does he do? He calls me fat every single day. Today he spiced it up by calling me a fat piece of ****. It really hurt me, which I'm almost convinced is his intention.

It's so stupid. All he has to do to set me off is annoy me or bother me. And it works, because it's small and petty stuff that just gets me lectured when I tell my parents about it. I ****ing hate my brother. Times like this I just wanna teach him a lesson . . . Especially violently, because I feel that it's the only way he'll stop. I wanna smack him in the face right now. I hate him so much.
 
accidentally found a book online about my family history from a few hundred years ago... yikes
 
i was taking the laundry down the stairs, i had my 2DS XL in my pocket and it fell down and it hit the chairlift hard. it just got a few scratches but still 😭
 
I reached out to my online friend and told her about my situation with my brother. She wrote a sort of 'letter' to my brother (she wanted me to show it to him) but made the mistake of putting it in her activity. Now everyone who reads it knows about my abusive brother. :|
 
I’m just unsure of who I am at this point. I feel that my interests are a bit obscure and it’s hard to meet people with common ground. First, I like sports video games. However, I can’t really be open about it because I’ve gotten messages on XBOX saying that I should go back to the kitchen or freak out over the fact that I’m a girl. I’m truly happy playing those games and being into sports, but I’m not really being myself either? I’m sort of hiding the fact that I’m a girl.

I’d be lying if I said I hadn’t thought about what it’d be like if I were a guy. If given the choice to switch, I don’t know, I’d probably do it. I’m also into traveling which I’m more open about. I have friends, but I’m unsure if we are actually friends? I know making friends at work is the last thing someone should do, but my life outside of work is kind of lame. What else do I do? I play video games and hide behind the opposite gender. I spend time with my dog. I’m interested in traveling. I feel that if I had different interests or if I was someone else, I’d have much better luck. I am treated like the third wheel mostly.

And another slightly related rant:
I really dislike my one manager. I can’t come to the conclusion why. Is it because he’s ****ing obsessed with my favorite person (BPD issue) and I’m jealous? Is it because I feel like the third wheel when his two other coworker friends are there and I’m just in the ****ing background because we don’t share the same interest? Or is it because he barely ****ing works? He’s either tailing my favorite person and following her around like a puppy dog, or just sitting in the dining room talking to these random customers that are obsessed with him for whatever reason. I’m sick of hearing how great he is and how loved he is by these people.

Like, should I pretend to be into certain things when I’m really not that type of person just to have closer bonds with people? I do have a group of friends, but idk, they are conceited and goof off a lot. Their lack of work ethic pisses me off. My group of friends is like the popular group in a high school clique, basically. For some reason, they like me? But it might be because I’m of age. Am I falling for their bull**** and I won’t talk to them after moving permanently? I feel like the only person I actually trust is my favorite person. I’m honestly surprised she isn’t sick of me yet. She’s loyal as hell and I’m unsure I deserve it, but she’s still here. She’s still here.
 
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I feel like I'm destined to not have friends, if that makes sense. I can never keep a friendship for more than two years, at most. I feel like the first few months are fanatastic and everything's perfect, but after that we get tired of each other's company (seeing that I spend time with my friends a lot, usually every day), which marks the end of our friendship.

If I'm being honest, I'm not sure I like having friends. Don't get me wrong - I do like my current friends, but I much prefer spending my time alone. (Go figure, I'm introverted and anti-social.) Sometimes I just don't have the energy to talk to my friends, or I just don't feel like it. It's like I don't even do my part to keep the friendship going when I definitely should be doing so.

There's also the fact that my interests are kind of different, so finding people who like the same things I do is kind of difficult. This is not always the case though, since I have friends who don't even like The Legend of Zelda (or know what it is). Sharing the same hobbies is not a requirement when I make friends, but it is preferred - After all, I need to talk about my Wii Sports accomplishment.

Sometimes I wonder why people like me in the first place. I have terrible traits - Cold, introverted, sarcastic, brutally honest, anti-social, and much more that I can't think of at the top of my head. What do my friends see in me that's good? I get told that I'm smart, logical, loyal, and a good listener. I suppose they're right, but I feel my negative traits out-weight my positive ones.

This doesn't even feel like a vent or a rant anymore, I'm just rambling at this point. Erm, well . . . Thank you for coming to my TedTalk.
TL;DR - I'm an anti-social hermit who prefers video games over social interaction.
 
i can’t stand work anymore, i’m miserable everyday i’m there and it’s solely because of the people i work with in the morning shift. i wanna switch back to the shift i was in during school but i hate getting out of work at basically 12 am, and i’m happy that with this shift i get out at 5 pm and have the rest of the day to myself but the coworkers are just so hard to work with. they boss me around alot, treat me like i have no idea what i am doing when i’ve worked there for 6 or 7 months already, and i swear i’ve heard them talk bad about me when they think i can’t hear. rn i’m on a 2 week break bc i’m supposed to be out of town but my dad got covid so i’m just at home :/ but i’m so tempted to just not come back to work. either i switch to my old 5-11 shift, or i quit 🙃 tbh i might just ask for some days 11-5, and some days 5-11.. but my general manager is such a b-word it’s kinda hard to ask her for a schedule change without her giving me attitude
 
I hate feeling like anytime I reach out to my friends that I'm being annoying and clingy 🙃

also really want to tell this person I like him but I don't want him to feel awkward or anything, ive just really enjoyed talking w him and I would love to get to know him better >~<
 
alize is being put to sleep tomorrow, 13 days before what was supposed to be her first birthday and on the 8-month anniversary of us bringing her and her sister home. she’ll be the 3rd cat i’ve lost in the span of only 8 months. i have never felt more anguish, rage and grief before in my life. my insides feel like they’re being weighed down by rocks. i’m physically unwell. the fact that she’ll probably be gone by this time tomorrow makes my stomach churn. so many memories and moments i’ve finally grown to find comfort in now make me double over from sheer agonizing grief. i’m not ready to say goodbye to her. i don’t want to say goodbye to her. i’m so upset.

and i feel so abandoned by everyone in my life. i hate that i do. my friends are all struggling themselves and i’m not saying my pain or my problems are more important than theirs at all, and this isn’t directed at anyone, i’m just. i’m so alone lol. my parents couldn’t care less how i’m dealing with all this, and i just know my mom’s gonna hit me with the “nobody’s going to be affected by this more than me” at some point because everything has to be a competition, even grief. my pain is always less, and i just. i just want a hug lol. i don’t know what’s gonna happen after tomorrow, and i just want to be talked to. i don’t wanna do this alone again. i know i matter less, but i just want something. i just wanna be important for a moment, for my grief to be acknowledged and soothed. i’m so tired.

idk. i think i just need to log out of everything for a while. i’m not well.
 
xara said:
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Click to expand...
Oh no, xara. I'm so sorry to hear that. 😟 It's frustrating to hear your parents not even caring about what you're feeling and even trying to compete during the times of your grief. I don't think words can describe how gutted you are right now. I'll be more than happy to talk to you if you need it, so feel free to pm me. At the same time, if you rather spend time away online to recover, I respect your decision. All I wish for you is to be well again, xara. You deserve to be treated better with all the stuff you're going through. *Gives you a huge hug*
 
There is a nice difference with actually being open "I work and might be busy so replies might be slow" and sticking to that rather than straight out ghosting buuuut okay.
 
the only time I wake up not tired is when I wake up around 8-9am but every day I wake up at 6am and I still feel really tired and I usually end up going back to sleep. like bruh why can't my body just let me sleep til 9 without waking up in between lol
 
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