The Internet's Worst Advice Column

[Shellzilla_515]

Throw a ball of yarn at her. That'll do the trick.

It's getting colder every day. How can I heat up the city I live in?

 

[koopasta]

Set every building owned by a large corporation on fire. Destroy capitalism, comrade. The heat of the Communist rage shall overcome the winter!

I want to play tricks on those little pipsqueaks who come to my house this Halloween. What should I do?

 

[Cress]

Buy as much gum as you can. Chew every piece, and then delicately place them on the sidewalk in front of your house. If anyone wants candy from you, they'll have to get their shoes stuck in gum first.

I got a haircut but it's way too short now, how can I make it grow back faster?

 

[koopasta]

There's this magical hair growth serum called "Nair" that has been kissed by the devil and contains the tears of God himself. Put it on your head and your hair will grow to impeccable lengths.

Good excuse for turning an essay in at 3:00 am?

 

[Shellzilla_515]

Tell them that you were typing very slowly and proofreading it.

How can I do wall jumps like Mario?

 

[koopasta]

Coat your hands and feet in glue and you'll stick right to the wall.

How do I break out of solitary confinement?

 

[princepoke]

open the door.
if thats not available, call home service to install one for you.

i have a chronic lack of sleep... how do i solve this

 

[HistoryH22]

By sleeping.

Goodness my internet has been spotty lately. Any suggestions?

 

[tae]

get google fiber.


goulash makes my chest hurt, what do i do.

 

[XxNicolexX]

Don’t eat it

I love Nutella so much I want to eat almost half the jar what do I do?

 

[koopasta]

Don't settle for half the jar, dude. Eat one of those giant jars that weigh a whole kilogram! If you eat more of it, you'll eventually get sick of it and you'll probably throw up every time you look at it. Happened to my dad with Hot Pockets, at least.

How do I get away with shoving an entire third grade class in the back of my shabby pickup truck?

 

[Korichi]

Excursion!! Third grade kids love excursions. As long as you let them know it “is” one, they’ll follow you anywhere! In the back of a shabby pick up truck to who knows where? No problem!

How do I clean the house in 5 minutes before everyone gets back?

 

[Shellzilla_515]

Use Febreze to eliminate the smell of not doing your chores.

I suck at folding clothes. Any tips?

 

[Zerous]

Close your eyes and pretend you're doing it.

I haven't started and assignment that's due in a few hours, what do I do?

 

[Korichi]

Use Za Warudo to stop time enough to finish your assignment.

I have two cats, but I can’t pay attention to one without having the other stare at us and feeling guilty about it. What do I do?

 

[koopasta]

Ask that kooky doctor that lives down the street to clone you. Your clone may become an evil dictator and create their own country solely to become a dictator, but at least they'll pay attention to that precious kitty cat of yours.

How do I get my mom to listen to German death metal?

 

[Zerous]

Wake her up in the middle of the night blasting her with it from the stereo in the other room. By the time she gets up and turns it off she'll have had to listen to some of it.

How to find motivation?

 

[Korichi]

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=ZXsQAXx_ao0
‘Just do it’! Sorry I thought Shia was a meme rip;;

I’m much slower than everyone else at doing everything (daily tasks, chores, study, etc.) so I naturally take a lot of time with things that should be done much quicker. What do I do?

 

[koopasta]

Drink an entire 6-pack of Monster Energy and play heaps of Sonic the Hedgehog! After that you'll never need to stop working again.

How can I revive Neopets?

 

[Korichi]

Through equivalent exchange: a life for a life. For every neopet you want to revive you must first offer one soul.

What do you do if you ruin everything you touch?