Why do I always feel so yucky at night?? I don’t even know how to describe it, but it’s just this uncomfortable feeling of sadness ig? And grief? All of the negative emotions that I don’t feel during the day because I’m distracted?
Idk. I was looking at my posts on here from late Oct - early Nov 2021, which is when my Zeva died. Idk why I did that. I was just thinking about how I don’t really remember much of anything that happened after she died. Pretty much the first 2-3 months after her death are just a complete blur.
It breaks my heart to remember how excited I was for Nov 1st to get here so that I could play MPS, not realizing it would be the worst day of my life. I spent the entirety of Halloween weekend unknowingly counting down to what would be the day Zeva died, and I still can’t get over that. I hate it I hate it I hate it. I feel so far away from the girl I was when Zeva died and the girl I became in the months after, and that both saddens and comforts me. I wish I didn’t know grief. I wish I could see people talk about it and feel sorry for them, but not know what it feels like. This soul-crushing hole in my heart and my life that can never be filled again.
The finality of death scares me. The reality that Bonk is not forever, and she’ll only be a part of my life compared to how I’ll be in most of hers. I never ever want to say goodbye to her. I never want her to get sick or old. I never ever want to have to take her to the vet’s and leave without her. My sweet, funny, annoying little baby. : ( I want her forever. Her eyes should always have light and life in them. Her chest should always rise and fall with breath.
Idk I’m just tired, sad and overthinking. Death sucks. Grief sucks. I miss my Zeva. I miss my Alize. I don’t ever want to have to miss Bonk. I want her to be with me always. I hate that she won’t be.