What's Bothering You?

I’m on a short trip and I can’t do the things I usually enjoy in privacy (like watching anime and reading fan fiction….) I’ll be stuck in the back of the car for six hours driving back next to my little siblings too so that’s not the greatest

At least I have this really good ace attorney fanfiction my friend sent me
 
I just feel sad. I wrote out everything that's bothering me in my journal (something I haven't done in months), which helped a little but I don't feel much better.

I'm not happy with my life (even if it's barely even started), and I'm anxious about change. I'm not the person I want to be. I don't think I'll be happy, and I don't think I'll make it.
 
I'm actually sick of pretending to be a night owl. I'm honestly not, but my mom is and she stays up until 3:00 AM or even past that each night, and it's difficult to sleep when she's awake, watching movies or even doing cleaning. I suppose it's mostly my fault too, since I find it weird to sleep when someone else in the house is awake and walking through the room that I'm sleeping in. She has to walk through the room I sleep in to get to the bathroom or the kitchen.

Before this, I used to go to sleep before midnight every night and wake up very early, like 8:00 AM.
 
I feel so alone in this world, and as far as I'm concerned, I am. It certainly feels it. Nothing I say or do will ever be enough. My wins will always be losses so long as they're mine. Friendships hurt. Being a daughter hurts. The third year anniversary of my grandmother's death is in 10 days, then Zeva's on November 1st, then the anniversary of adopting the kittens on November 10th, then finding out they had FIP on January 10th, then Mazikeen dies February 1st and Alize follows on July 11th, just 13 days before her birthday. My house is a graveyard. I am surrounded by urns. I spend every day terrified that it'll be the day that my next loved one will die. I get to talk myself out of a panic attack every night.

I want so badly to be happy about my fair nominations, but I'm not. Nothing feels good. I designed a room I'm proud of and wrote a story I'm proud of, something I didn't think I'd be able to do with how bad my brain fog and fatigue have been, and I'm just so tired of everything and everyone. I'm so tired lol.

I just want to be happy. I don't want my "good" days to be when I managed to take care of myself and responded to at least one message. My "good" days are the bare minimum because I have no energy. Ever. I can't move or focus my eyes half the time because I just have no energy. I am depleted from the moment I wake up to the moment I go to bed. I can't even begin to explain any of this to a doctor because I have no energy to!! And my brain fog doesn't allow me to find the words anyways!!

I miss feeling safe. I miss when I had no idea what grief felt like. I just want to go back and do everything over.
 
IMG_7462.gif

Gone
 
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I lowkey don't know what to do about my mom's habits. Whenever we go to the weed dispensary, she wouldn't have any money on her, so I'd usually be the one paying for my weed AND hers. She doesn't have a job, and although she says she's looking for one, it doesn't seem like she's putting any effort into her job search. I feel guilty whenever I buy her weed and other expensive things she wants because I wanna save my money for something that would be beneficial for me, like necessities or even my own place, but I also don't want to make her mad if I refuse to buy things for her. Not only does she have this urge to buy and smoke weed, but she also feels the urge to buy things from thrift shops and online stuff, too. She'd even go as far as to steal money from me and/or my dad in order to get money to buy things she wants.
 
We got a bug infestation in our kitchen, so we've been clearing out our pantries and throwing away food since this morning. I don't even know what these bugs are... Silkworms? I feel really bad since I was guilty of leaving some packages open, but I never foresaw all of this happening. I got lectured, naturally, and my dad just said, "We're not even mad, and yelling at you won't do anything. We're disappointed, though." I feel even worse. I'm also overwhelmed with all the work, and my parents are doing most of it right now.

And, like, I should've seen it coming. I saw these bugs in a box of ice cream cones a few weeks ago, and my stepmom and brother found them in the flour and pancake mix last week. Now we have a lot of work because of a small thing we didn't do properly. I'm mad at myself, I guess.
 
I finished a test in my math class today, but I don't think I did well. I think it was my worst work so far this year.

I know it was because I didn't take notes during the lectures and I should have focused, but who could I blame? My math class is very disorganized and I don't even know what to write down and how much because all the teacher does is put up textbook pages on the monitor and yammer about the subject. Most of our homework is digital too. Even with the physical textbook, I get too overwhelmed by the information to put down anything.

My last two math classes both had workbooks, and that was more organized because you knew what to put on there. This year, it's all gone. I wish I was one of the students who had to switch classes because there were too many of them in my class. :\ ****.
 
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I'm trying to tune myself out of the political debate that my parents are watching on TV in my living room (I'm sensitive to these sorts of things), and of course, my dad is yelling at these two people arguing on the podiums. I'm forced to play music at a high volume in my bedroom to drown it out.

I can't wait to get my own place.
 
A song that was queued from my liked songs playlist autoplayed and it brought back memories of last year. This particular song played in the car from my dad's playlist when we were doing our frequent visits to the hospital/my relatives' places during my mom's hospital admittance. I don't usually have such strong memories attached to music, but this is an exception and now I just feel sad.

It's also been about a year since we got the news about my mom's overdose. I miss her so ****ing much. It hurts to think that she's truly gone.
 
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