What's Bothering You?

I'm feeling really lost in life right now. I'm dead exhausted in medicine and I'm not the stellar student I used to be in college; people say to "remember the reason why I entered" and honestly I have nothing good to say? I just thought medicine was interesting but there's just so much to memorize that the time clench is sucking all the enjoyment out of me studying. I don't know what I want to do in life and I don't want to quit medicine because that's like more than a hundred-thousand-dollars fine in my school and I know I can't afford that. I'm stuck here for 4 more years until I can learn to enjoy it at this fast pace I guess. I'm just trying to live every week dead tired and without energy and I feel insecure my classmates are doing way better than me and I can't keep up. I feel like trash compared to them.

Then there's the issue with me trying to earn money, like people tell me it's okay I'm not working yet because I'm a medical student, but I just feel so insecure some people my age are already earning a lot? I want to be independent too but I can't seem to find the time to practice hobbies I can try selling. I can't even enjoy doing hobbies without thinking of ways to earn money from it. I know it's not supposed to be this way but idk I can't get it out of my mind.

I should go see a therapist. Bottling this all up is too much sometimes.
I’m not a medical student, but I can totally emphasize with that. It really is a tough situation to be in :( No one warns you about what it really means to dedicate years of your life in a high stress course with so much memorization. About the comparing with others, money making, and insecurity, I definitely did that a lot as well.
Talking with a therapist definitely helped so I recommend that! It me build some confidence about myself, and becoming ok with the fact that even though I think others are miles ahead of me, it might not actually be true and not to beat myself over it. And being ok with the fact that I can go at my own pace without stressing about making money or having the perfect career that I think others are having if that helps with my mental health, there’s no set path that we need to follow.
Stay strong 🥺❤ I’d give you a hug if I could
 
Talking to my therapist today helped a lot. Despite all of my mood swings she thinks I’ve handled the breakup well for my age (especially considering how harsh and vague it was). I think I’m slowly getting better. It’s just a matter of waiting through the pain and continue practicing self care. Socializing helps too! Admittedly I was a little hurt when I found out my ex has already found someone new.
 
Do I have Covid AGAIN or is this just a cold?: AKA please someone give me that damn vaccine so I can stop facing this question.
 
Every time I cut out fabric for a dress or skirt or whatever it makes my tailbone sore because of how I sit/stretch to cut it out
But I sit the same way every damn time
It doesn’t hurt in the moment
Only now 😭
 
I turned on my Wii U for the first time in over a year to check something, and it threw an error seconds after turning it on (it's the dreaded 160-1400 error code). I'm devastated since all my Wii and Wii U save data and downloaded games are on it and there was no indication at all that this was going to happen. It's just brutal to possibly lose all that data and not be able to play any Wii U games. Only thing I can really do is try and find a way to get it repaired, though I'm not really sure how I'll go about doing that at this point in time.
 
That where I live is soooo slow vaccinating and they don't allow people under 65 to get it before even if they need to go in for work n stuff, like okay make sure elders get their times then. Not all old people has a smart phone or someone who can help them directly....
 
I literally can’t do any job right, I have self-esteem issues, and today has been a crappy day so far. Wanted to cry earlier, but now I don’t even feel like crying. 🙃
 
I can’t decide if I like my current lineup:
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Or this better:
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I don’t have a purple star fragment right now anyways but I kinda still want to buy one? Ugh idk.
 
Looking at housing and seeing the rent prices just... makes me so sad and it reminds me that when I do finally get to move out I'll be alone. I need to get out of here and I'll be glad when I can but I already feel so lonely and distanced from people and I'm scared to think I'll have to be physically by myself too. I know I'll have my friends but it feels like something is missing. I'm afraid I'll never have more than that or know what it's like to be loved in That Way and I just can't help but feel like I'm not enough. The pandemic put things on hold but after it's over my friends are gonna have their relationships and jobs and they're gonna move on and I'm terrified. Everything around me is changing but I feel stuck.
 
so for those who don't know, mike rowe (the dude from dirty jobs) has basically said that minimum wage jobs are just "rungs on a ladder" and don't deserve a living wage. so he thinks that minimum wage jobs shouldn't be a full time career therefore you shouldn't get paid a living wage for it. the man who freaking made a show based around showing the actual amount of labor that goes into these jobs said this bs.

i grew up watching this dude's show and coming to appreciate the people who do these jobs for such little pay. i firmly know that there is no such thing as unskilled labor only undervalued skill. and to hear someone who absolutely knows and has seen just how much work the people who do these jobs do and how little they get paid for it and used this to make a freaking tv show out of say that they don't deserve to get paid enough to live infuriates me. you sir are scum.

and what's worse (and i'm kicking myself for not really realizing this) is that mike rowe has never actually had a minimum wage job in his life. he went to school for music and theatre to hosting broadcast television. he goes into the show making it seem like he's a blue collar worker, like he gets these folks plight, but he never has had to work a low wage job a day in his life. so that shows even more of a jerk he is.

plus he's for fossil fuels which is even worse.
 
I gotta get out of here as soon as possible. I will not be content to follow the lead of my parents and stay put for the rest of my life. I have to get away from them, mostly my dad. only he could take my totally awesome day and turn it into a game of guilt. he acts like he's never wrong and when we question him he calls us fools/defiant.
 
This is from my own personal experiences but I feel like all my friends who hyped up university or said there would be more freedom and enjoyment from it than high school kinda lied and overhyped it tbh. Not sure if it's because I have a really hard major or because I don't live on the campus of my uni but it's far from what they describe it as.

Also it's not like I can drop out or anything because I really don't have a choice rn ._. (due to the US Education system capitalizing education and making everything so expensive ugggh)

I know I often just go to TBT and to whine about my issues even though I know I'm in a much better position than some people but it's just I wish I kinda had a bit more control over my life and that I could be more confident in the decisions I make. I just want to feel okay for once and not have to worry about how I was making dumb decisions I made 30 years ago because I was forced to worry about college, debt, and just life in general when I was barely old enough to get a drivers license.
 
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work. my boss is becoming increasingly friendly with me, and now she's swapping around my schedule without any regards to whether i may have plans for my day off or not. i'm tired of consistently being understaffed and expected to out-perform how we've previously been doing. we keep losing staff, and yet our sales keep increasing. the workload is unbearable. my attitude is down the drain. i've never been an angry person, but every time i clock in i feel a deep body rage that lasts the entirety of my shift.

i've been applying to every job i can find in the area the last few days. i'm hoping something comes up. i'd love for the job at this local bakery i applied to to work out. it's a bit of a commute from my house, but anything beats my current workplace.
 
I couldn’t cry all day after what happened and then I helped my family with cleaning up dinner even though they said they could take care of it. And then I just broke down crying. I don’t know why there has to be so much hate, violence, and negativity in the world. 😭
 
I’m starting to get genuinely paranoid about my ex. They knew my Discord, forum accounts, Spotify, and even my address. After they made that angry breakup playlist about me I can’t help but worry. I know I’m already being trash-talked since they did the same with their past exes. Will my replacement do something to me? Will I be threatened or sent something nasty in the mail? The anger I felt for how I was treated is mostly gone, but I’m so scared...
 
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