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What's Bothering You?

If your Animal Crossing island looks like this:

istockphoto-1059273012-612x612.jpg
or feels like you're not in Animal Crossing, your island is not simple.
 
the grief is so bad tonight. i’ve been crying for hours. i miss my cat so much. she’s been gone for almost half a year now, and i just… can’t fathom it. this was a reality i tried so hard to avoid for so long, an idea that i couldn’t even bring myself to think about, and i’ve been living in it for almost 6 months now. i hate it. it still feels like i’m sitting in the parking lot of the animal hospital. i don’t think i ever left. i don’t know if i can. zeva was the only family i really had, the only person who made me feel safe and wanted in this household, the only person who i was certain loved me, and now she’s gone. she never accused me of faking my mental illnesses because i’m ‘not crazy enough’, she never got mad at me for not going to school, or changing my name, or wanting attention. she never judged or hurt me. she brought me so much comfort whenever my parents got into one of their screaming matches or my mother had one of her breakdowns (like earlier today). it scared her just as much as it scared me, and we comforted each other through it. she was the only one who understood and flinched and hid alongside me, and now i’m alone. i don’t feel comfortable in this household without her.

i can still barely bring myself to look at photos or videos of her. memories of her don’t bring me any joy; they bring unbearable agony because that shouldn’t be all that’s left of her. photos, videos, memories and an urn. that’s all i have of her now. i want her back. i want her alive. i don’t want her at the rainbow bridge or in heaven or the void or wherever the hell animals go when they die, i want her here, and i know that’s selfish because she was in pain and struggling to breathe by the end, but she was still zeva. she was still her. she could be the most mangled cat on the ****ing planet and i would still want her. there will never be a part of me that’s happy or relieved about any of this. i will never be certain that putting her to sleep was the right decision. the surgery might’ve worked. it might’ve worked and given us more time with her, and we’ll never know. even if she died during the surgery, that still would’ve been 25 more days with her, and i want those days more than anything. hell, i just want another minute. i just want to pet her and sit with her for one more minute. i’d do anything. i go to bed every night and hope that i’ll see her in my dreams, that she’ll finally come back for me, but i never do, and she never does. i don’t think she’s coming.

every person i meet who has or has had a cat that lived to be older than 11 fills me with pure, irrational rage because that should’ve been her. she should’ve been one of those cats who made it to their 20’s, and i am so ****ing angry that she wasn’t. i am so ****ing angry that she’s what taught my mom a lesson, that she’s what made her understand what overfeeding, not playing with, or delaying taking a cat to the vet can lead to. i am so ****ing angry that she’s the example. i should’ve tried harder. i failed her.

i am so tired of having to tell people that i’m okay, that i’m hanging in there, when i’m not. i have not been okay since november 1st, and i don’t think i ever will be again. literally nothing matters to me anymore. life lost all meaning for me when she died, and now it’s just some weird, dull, surreal grey version of what it used to be. i try to do things i think will make me happy; i smoke weed, i go outside, i talk to my friends, i buy amiibo cards and other things i like, but none of it’s enough because it’s not her. any joy i’ve felt in the last 6 months has been watered down by grief. new purchases have not been as exciting, food has not tasted as good, sicknesses and rough patches have not been as easy to get through and media has not been as entertaining to consume as it would’ve been if she were alive.

i can barely stand to be around alize most days, and i hate myself for it. it’s not fair. it’s not fair to her because she is the sweetest, cuddliest, cutest bug, and i can’t give her the love she deserves because she’s not zeva. i’m supposed to be her cat mom, she’s supposed to be mine, and i’m not. she’s not. i do not find her following me everywhere or her curiosity or her meowing outside my door and the bathroom door as endearing as i should. cuddling or spending time with her feels more like an obligation, a chore, something i have to do instead of something i want to do. i do not love her as much as my parents do. i wasn’t ready for her, not in november, and not now. i love her so much, but sometimes i feel like i’m only saying that to convince myself i do instead of actually meaning it. she deserves so much better, i don’t deserve to feel like this, and i don’t know what to do.

i have no desire to talk to my friends or pretend to tolerate my parents or graduate high school or take care of myself or engage in my hobbies or exist or do anything. i just want my cat.
 
Last edited:
I had a really great day, but I feel bad that a lot of my friends are in pain. 😞

Also, it's too hot in here to sleep, lmao. I had to turn the temperature to be more cool again.
 
It's day 3 of training someone and I'm already over it. I miss my breathing room a ton. My company has just really made me sick of training at this point. The last couple of people I trained before this it lasted well over 10 weeks which is ridiculous. I hope this doesn't take anymore than 3-4 weeks max.
 
Sometimes I wonder if I should bother tell people that persons with Asperger (maybe not all, but many) don't like putting their energy on travelling over an hour to work. It's like do I need a 42-slide powerpoint or can you just grasp I would not like that sigh.

Also yeah need a new phone. Think I'll get an iPhone still cause I don't like google and how their save stuff to your account.
 
If someone asks one more time why I don't have or if I want kids randomly I'll twist their nips, like stop it. 1) I do not want kids ever 2) IF I wanted them I'd for sure had them by now.

I don't think it's some kind polite question and you just don't ask that unless you that person explicit stated they are interested in talking about it.
 
My brother is so rude and judgmental towards me. I feel like I cannot be myself without him making a rude remark, giving me a disgusted look, or some other gesture to make me feel like ****.

I'm so sick of my friends and family pestering me to get a job and making me worry about college. I'm 15, for crying out loud! I'll get a job over the summer 'cause I'm struggling in school right now! And I'm turning 18 in less than three years, why worry about college now? I already have enough in my hands.

My brother hid his headset and I can't find it, so I can't listen to music now. Plus my parents are blaring music like always. But thank god they're playing Beethoven instead of country music like they have been playing for the past month.
 
My brother is so pushy and persistent. I told him like 20 times to leave the kitchen, and he didn't. I was baking a cake and he wanted to help, but he's so slow and inefficient. The only reason he left is 'cause my dad told him to, he stomped to his room and slammed the door. He was also being rude, there was some piano music playing in the background and my brother told me to "turn that **** off". Like, seriously? And I hope the cake tastes better than it looks, 'cause I got really careless while I was making it...
 
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